Saturday, April 23, 2011

The impact of the departure of Glenn
Beck from the mediasphere will likely
rival the impact of the sudden absence
of the Psychedelic Furbys---a Psychedelic 
Furs cover band---from concert stages
around the world.  But what, precisely,
that impact might be is not widely known.
Trojan Rabbit Advisory
Communications chatter indicates that the Killer Rabbit of
Caerbannog, masquerading as the Easter Bunny, may be
thinking of considering the possibility of opening a
second or third front---it can't decide which at
the moment---in the Great War on Easter.
"I've found that after counting all the squares on my
checkered shirt, my vision of America's libertarian
future comes into much sharper focus."
"Because I drink responsibly, just as Jack Daniel, Jim
Beam, and George Dickel did before me."
"You must've scored some really good shit, Jim. 
Got any more?"
Sign of the Times #13
"But, officer, I didn't know that being 'in a zone'
while driving through a zone-free zone was against
the law."
"Sorry, sir, but ignorantia juris non excusat, as
the Romans used to say.  Here's your ticket,
and have a nice day."
Senator Casswell Launches 'Second-Hand Clothes for
Second-Hand Children' Campaign in Michigan
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #299
Bruce Casswell
"Nice shirt, Senator Casswell!  Where'd ya get it---Salvation
Army or Goodwill?"
Zombie Easter Eggs Form Alliance with Ricky Gervais in
Great War on Easter
Senator Kyl Hires Memory Hole Expert to Scrub Planned
Parenthood Gaffe from Congressional Record
Easter Bunny Zombie Sent to Front Lines in
Great War on Easter

Friday, April 22, 2011

Rude Rhymes #48

Putrid Pest

Allen West
Quran-Burning Pastor’s 'Gun' Accidentally Goes Off
in Michigan Pornhouse
Governor Perry Declares April 22-24 'Days of Prayer
for Rain and Federal Assistance in the State of Texas'
Delivered by Armed Predator Drones,
Like the U. S. Is Now Doing in Libya
Time 100 Ranked #21 on The Onion List of
the 100 Most Influential Lists in the World
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #298
Stacey Campfield
"Dear Mr. President,
I have run out of silver bullets that
could bring down gas prices right away.
Yours truly,
The Lone Ranger" 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Mitt Romney Haunted by Past of Trying to Help People with
Halitosis by Means of Individual-Mandate Altoids
"Some people confuse my mouth with the entrance to
Mammoth Cave.  Ha! Ha! Ha!  That might be funny if I
were from Kentucky, instead of South Dakota.  We
don't have caves nearly that big."
Of all signs indicating that it is time for a politician to retire
from the House of Representatives, knuckle-sucking is
the clearest.
If you've ever wondered what a 'Resigned Look'
looks like, here it is.
What if it were true that Rain, the South Korean pop star, is
really, as Time magazine claims, the most influential person
in the world today?  What might this suggest about the shift of
world power from the Western to the Eastern Hemisphere and
from politicians to musicians?
Alfonso Rachel Tea Partyin'

Alfonso Rachel Just Partyin'
Time magazine has just published its annual list
of the 100 most influential people in the world,
and, luckily, you're not on it.  Think about it:
  you could have ended up on the same list with
Saif al-Islam Gadhafi, Kim Jong Un,
Michele Bachmann, Amy Chua, Paul
Ryan, Chris Christie, Anwar al-Awlaki,
Joe Scarborough, Muqtada al-Sadr,
Charles Koch, David Koch, Jamie Dimon,
Michelle Rhee, John Boehner, Benjamin
Netanyahu, and Justin Bieber.  Yes, had
you been on it, you would have had to
spend the rest of your life trying to
explain to your erstwhile friends why
guilt by association is a variation
of the Ad Hominem Fallacy.
Amy Winehouse Better Looking with Steve Buscemi's Eyes 
Than Without Them
While Kyrgyz legislators were sacrificing sheep to rid
parliament of evil spirits, Kyrgyz sheep were sacrificing
spirits to rid parliament of evil legislators.
Micro-Bullfight in a Petri Dish
Buckwheat Shocked to Learn Donald Trump Has
Added 'The Hair Explosion' Salon Chain to His
Investment Portfolio
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #297
Butch Otter
Genealogists Trace Andrew Breitbart's Paternal Line Back
 to Prehistoric Mega Piranha
Andrew Dodge, the Heavy Metal Challenger
to Olympia Snowe in Maine's Republican
Primary, Hires Adviser from Babylon 5
The realization that he was to be tortured no longer by sadistic
Quantico Marines brought a smile to Bradley Manning's face.
Andrew Breitbart Lands Starring Role in
Fuckface, the New Coen Brothers Comedy
"My hairline is not retreating; instead, my forehead is advancing."
Warm Scuzzies #179
Greg Mortensen

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Four Dunces in Search of a Stool
Lady Gaga says God gave her the lyrics and melody
of a song He had earlier given to Madonna.  "He
likes my version better," she noted, before asking
for a cigarette and another drink.
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #296
Kent Sorensen
The Tea Partiers were so taxed they decided to sit a spell
as Governor Haley tried to light a fire under the 300
people--including media and political operatives--who
showed up for the Tax Day rally.
Even the screened-in porches are 'organic'
at the Petaluma Egg Farm.
Warm Scuzzies #178
King & Spalding
Author of Dress for Failure Makes
Surprise Appearance at the Grammys
"Listen, there's no daylight between the
Tea Party and me ... None."
"Who do you think you are?  John Boehner?"

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

New Gun-Rights Lobby Comes to Texas
"Texas is reaching its capacity to respond to these emergencies
 and is in need of federal assistance," said Secessionist Texas
Governor Rick Perry. "I urge President Obama to approve our
 request quickly so Texans can continue receiving the
resources and support they need as wildfires remain an
ongoing threat." [Perhaps Governor Perry should ask
'Honorary Texan' Rush Limbaugh for a loan.]
Things That Make Your Skin Crawl #8
"Ivanka has a very nice figure. I’ve said if she
 weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”