Down deep, the President wanted to pluck every hair

out of King Abdullah's chinny-chin-chin. But since

the Saudi Arabian potentate was sitting on one fifth

of the Earth's proven oil reserves, the President only

bared his teeth and smiled wickedly.

Not Nearly Normal Norm

Ever wonder about the origin of the phrase, 'weird beard'?

On November 1, 2008, Rick Davis, John McCain's campaign

manager, said, "We are witnessing, I believe, probably

one of the greatest comebacks that you've seen since John

McCain won the primary." That's how he will be

remembered for another couple of weeks, after which

he will be dumped into the dustbin of forgotten yesterdays.

Eagle Challenges Dow to Soaring Contest

"stFU /../..an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO

EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b"

Mothers, don't let your daughters grow up to be

Regent University School of Law graduates!

For every person there is a gift. This one's for you.

As one of today's voters, Fearguth has replaced

his 15-year-old TV with a new one that cost, in

inflation-adjusted dollars, about what the old

one did in 1993.

Richard Wagoner, CEO of near-bankrupt General Motors,

“will still fly private for all business and personal travel”

for “security reasons.” He fears that if he flew on a

commercial airliner, taxpayers on board would

throw him out of the plane without a golden parachute.

Rupert Murdoch, Age 77, Signs Roger Ailes, Age 68,

to Another Five-Year Contract with Fox News; Both

Bastards Confident He Will Outlive the Other

The Unexpurgated Bible #17

"And on that day in 1992, it dawned on President Bush:

Conservative faith comes by hearing, and hearing by

Rush Limbaugh on the radio."

Matt Yglesias, Wonky-Tonk Man

Experiment in Maximum Feasible Uplift

Attorney General Collapses Under the Weight of

Bush Administration Lawlessness

Tell Mack Whittle that crime doesn't pay and he will

laugh in your face. The former CEO of South Financial

Group, member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity,

and alumnus of the University of South Carolina, stole

$18 million from his bank just before sending it begging

for $347 million in bailout money.

Steven Seagal---Movie Star, Rock Musician, and Target

of Film Critics---Orders Bullet-Proof Kimono from

Colombian Tailor

The world is his classroom.

World's Worst Yobs #61

Mark Belling

Why do the other powerful Michelles in

Washington shun the only one whose

surname is Malkin?

If humans got the same care race cars do, they'd be immortal.

Robert Gates definitely has the face of a Secretary of

Defense. It is unlikely anybody will ever confuse him

with the Prince of Peace.

At age 82, Hugh Hefner's eye is still wandering.

"The fundamentals of my libidinal economy

are strong," he says.

You knew General Motors was headed in the wrong direction

when it invested billions in the development of the submersible

car. Sure, it was a cool idea, but who really needed one,

besides James Bond?

Of course they're pigheaded! What did you expect

them to be? Humanheaded?

House Cat

Senate Cat

President Peeved That Senator Stevens, a Convicted Felon,

Got a Standing Ovation and He Didn't

Just a reminder: today is the Great American Smokeout.

Have you noticed that Ann Coulter has become as

scarce as hen's teeth? That new brand of invecticide

must really work.

American Empire #39

Indispensable Nation

If you try to desecrate this flag, you die.

The word is that the McConnell-Reid marriage is

in tatters. Critics cite it as proof that same-sex

marriage simply does not work.

"Just between you and me, George, my main motivation

for running for President was to give a boost to

National Review's sagging circulation numbers."

"They said it was going to be a bumpy ride,

but this is ridiculous!"

Bush Political Appointees Burrowing In to Civil

Service for Long, Cold Economic Winter

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #12

Driving Mr. Obama

"Down on the corner, out in the street,

Jonah and the poorboys are playin',

Bring a nickel, tap your feet."

Luckily for Joe, the lectern obscured the parts of

his anatomy now missing.

Garden Gnome Denigrates Obama as 'House Negro'

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #11

Uncle Ted's Excellent Departure

This Congolese soldier--now dead--never heard anyone

say, "Life itself, as the activity of activities, requires the finitude
imposed on it ultimately by death to preserve its meaning."

Had he heard these words, his life, no doubt, would have

been much more meaningful.

Take a man, put him in a helmet, olive-drab uniform,

and boots, give him a gun, and call him a 'soldier'.

And then remember that every soldier on the planet

is a reminder that we are the only species that justifies

killing other people as one of our patriotic duties.

Compassionate Conservative Says "I Wouldn't Wish

What I'm Going Through on Anyone"

Following the Chest Bump, the cadet always enjoyed

watching the President perform another ritual of

young manhood: the Gut Dump.

Can you imagine how much it costs for President

Bush to do something as routine as taking a leak

by the side of the road?

After years of tribulation, God's army will make war against

a legion of nephews and nieces led by Auntie Christ. She will

be a sweet-talking old lady who attracts the young by

means of her irresistible cookies-and-hugs agenda.

Joe Lieberman's slap on the wrist for being a turncoat just

goes to show that party allegiance is less important than

loyalty to the fellow members of the exclusive club

otherwise known as the Senate.

Terrorist Fist Jab Knocks E. D. Hill

Out of Fox News Lineup

Hillary Discovers She Has Doubled-Booked Herself

for January 20, 2009