Saturday, February 02, 2013

"When your grandparents were in school back in the
 1950s, they called what you're doing 'Duck and Cover'."
"And you know what's even funnier?  Those nimrods 
at the Boston Herald are talking about Ann running 
for the Senate!"
"Yes, Secretary Clinton, at 7' 2", I was simply
too tall to fail."
Barack Obama as Barry the Kid in 
The Left Handed Gun
If your name does not appear on the
NRA's 'Enemies List', this does not
mean you are necessarily a nobody.
It could mean you are accidentally
a nobody.
Sean Hannity to Co-Star with Jayne Mansfield in
Remake of Promises! Promises!; New Version 
Rumored to Include All-Nude Sign of the Hump-
back Couch Walrus Waterboarding Scene
The Kaufman county assistant DA who was shot and 
killed outside the courthouse was carrying a handgun 
at the time.  Just like in the B-Westerns, where 
virtually everyone is armed, the good guy with a 
gun sometimes gets bushwhacked.

Friday, February 01, 2013

"Relax, honey, it's just our new babysitter."
Warm Scuzzies #366
Mayor Dave Bing
Scott Bqhatevwr Decides to Steer Clear of 
Massachusetts U.S. Senate Race
“One of the Democratic Party's favorite ways to increase 
its power is by creating programs that dispense subsi-
dized government benefits, such as Medicare, Social 
Security, and outright welfare (Medicaid, food stamps, 
subsidized housing, and the like).  And it's not the 47% 
Mitt Romney warned us about.  It's the 51%."
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #466
Jason Rapert
The Beyoncé Knowles robot is a 
perfectionist and practices until
its feet start leaking oil.
"Evidence-based world?  Shitfire!  That's not for me!"
Roy Cohn could hardly believe his eyes.
Tail-Gunner Joe was back!
Most countries in the world have 'Departments of Defense'.
Why don't they also have 'Departments of Attack'?
"I am not on Cruz control!  I'm Big Bad John!"
Fearguth's Rules of Order #55
Always use extra shunscreen if you ever say anything 
critical about Israel, the 51st state.
Chris Culliver Sez:  "I don’t do the gay guys man. 
I don’t do that. No, we don’t got no gay people 
on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they 
do.  Can’t be with that sweet stuff. Nah … 
can’t be … in the locker room man. Nah.”
[Sounds better if accompanied by someone
singing, 'Yield Not to Temptation'.]

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sex Doll Heads Expressing Nonverbal Concern about 
the Future of Ron Jeremy's Porn Stache
"Like Karl Lagerfeld, the fashion Nazi,
I, too, hate Michelle Obama's bangs!"
To tell the truth, Bill Kristol is really pretty much 
afraid all the time.  That's why he's a neocon.
Missouri Republican Legislator Introduces Bill to 
Require First-Graders to Take NRA-Conducted
Course on What to Do When They Come Across
an Unsecured Miss Kitty AK-47
Stacey Campfield Sez: "The act of homosexuality
 is very dangerous to someone's health and safety.
If you see it at school, call OSHA immediately!"
Blank Slate #12
Top Stories from January 31, 2013
"Data: a Love Story"
"Could a Bachelor Ever Win the Presidency?"
"Hemingway Probably Didn't Write That 
Famous Six-Word Story"
"A Defense of Anne Hathaway"
Wayne LaPierre is right, you know.  Absolutes do exist, 
especially Absolute Idiots.  Take Wayne, for instance.
High Tea

Low Tea
He had always been skeptical about reincarnation, 
transmigration of souls, and metempsychosis.  That is,
until he saw Ted Cruz.  And then he realized that Texas
had---accidentally or on purpose---elected Liberace 
Redivivus to the United States Senate. 
Gayle Trotter Says Only Mothers Armed with AR-15s
at Home Can Stop Zontar, Not Female Soldiers Armed
with AR-15s in Combat on the Battlefield
Judge Rules Zygote Has Second Amendment Rights;
Glock Now Developing MicroPistol
McCain Goes Off on Hagel's Under-Eye Bags
Shifty-Eyed Frenchman Rumored to Be Less than 
Enthusiastic about Freedom Fries
If National Review is to be believed, those Latino roofers
who just re-shingled your house 1) are hostile to free
enterprise, 2) are low-income, 3) are on the government
 dole, 4) were likely born out of wedlock, and 5) voted
for Barack Obama.  Republicans they will never be,
so embrace your Inner Whiteness and Rightness 
ever harder.
Huckleberry P. Closetcase
[The P stands for Pissypants.]
Iran Threatens to Launch Megamonkey Attack on Israel
Whither the GOP:  NeoJindalism or PaleoRyanism?
More Americans died from domestic gunfire between
1968 and 2011 

than have died in all our wars combined.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Why forward?  Why not backward?
That's where the Garden of Eden,
Arcadia, and the Big Rock Candy
Mountain are.
How it harshed her mellow when she heard 
that cats kill billions of birds a year.  Could
it be that, deep down, she, too, was a cold-
blooded killer?
Oxymorons for Our Time #147
Truth in Advertising
World's Worst Yoobs #130
Gayle Trotter
"And just how long, Senator Rubio, would you say 
'The Path to Citizenship' is?  Is it measured in feet,
meters, rods, stadia, furlongs, miles, or light-years?"
Nehemiah Griego's late father, a Christian pastor, taught
 his son to be a law-abiding citizen.  He also taught him
to appreciate guns and how to shoot.
Flag Desecration #63
David Brooks Builds a New Wing of the
Republican Party
Although he is no longer a pinko, Roger L. Simon 
still dresses like one when he talks about taking
over Hollywood.
Sweating Mitch McConnell Says Liberals Are 
Infiltrating Conservative Groups in Kentucky, 
the Kick-Ass State
World's Worst Yobs #276
Toby Young