Saturday, March 28, 2015

South Carolina Lawyer Says Erratic Behavior Is
Due to Cough Remedy Used to Relieve Allergy
to Wife
To help offset the backlash against the new 'It's OK to Hate
 Gays' law, Indiana has launched an innovative campaign
 to boost tourism.
"Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of 
Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive 
the gift of the Holy Ghost."
"There's just one place
That can light my face
Scary, Indiana, 
Scary, Indiana, 
Not Louisiana, Paris, France, New York, or Rome, but--
Scary, Indiana,
Scary, Indiana, 
Scary, Indiana,
My home sweet home."
"Do you wanna get wet?"
"Me neither."
At the current exchange rate, one Pence
equals one-and-a-half cents.  Sounds
about right.
Not-As-Evel Knievel
Tom Bodett says he'll leave the light on for you.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Poster Boy for the Great California
100-Year Drought
Rand Paul Sez:  “We need a revival in the country. 
We need another Great Awakening with tent 
revivals of thousands of people saying, ‘Reform or
 see what’s going to happen if we don’t reform.’”
[Somewhere Along the Sawdust Trail]
Huge Underground City Found in Turkey
How You Can Tell You're in Indiana
If you have a tendency toward despair 
during the day, only read The Great Big
Book of Horrible Things at night.
Louie says the only thing protecting us from 
a Gohmert Presidency is his baldpate.
Hurray for androgenic alopecia!
Rand Paul Abandons All Pretense of Being a Man of
 Principle, Becomes Just Another Brand X Politician

Thursday, March 26, 2015

In 2015, the Hoosiers of Indiana devised the 
ultimate plan.  The plan required something
 irrational, hateful, intolerant.  They created 
The Discriminator.
"At this moment in my life, I'm facing adversity.  But,
like Abraham Lincoln, my muppet and I will persevere
in the face of this trial and will never give up!"
Two Ruinous Termite Species Have Mated in Florida, 
Bad News for Scott Walker
Boycott Indiana? Oh yes, that is highly logical!
Skanky McWanker has obviously learned a lot from
Taylor Swift.
Pete Sessions is to mathematics what the iceberg was to 
the Titanic.
Rand Paul can reverse the polarity of his ideological flow faster 
than a pulsar can emit a beam of electromagnetic radiation.
If you're needing to take a bath but have been putting it off, 
take one look at Phil Robertson's mangy mug and before 
you know it, you'll be singing 'Splish Splash' in the shower.
"I am the only one who can make Trump truly great again."
One of the advantages of being wealthy is that you can
afford to have more than one middle name.  So, for 
example, Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson is the 
brother of Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson.  You'll
notice they share the name 'Swanson'.  That's
because they are both heirs to the frozen TV
 dinner fortune.  Something else they share is a
fondness for scatological invective, such as
calling Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "Whiny
little self-righteous bitch" and "LabiaFace."
Another term for this sort of behavior is
'ejaculatory rage'.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

When he says that Galileo denied the Earth was
flat, Ted Cruz is merely perpetuating The Myth of 
the Flat Earth.  For over 1,800 years before Galileo
 was born, the 'accepted scientific wisdom' was that
the Earth is a sphere.
Galileo Reacts to Being Compared to
Ted Cruz
World's Worst Yobs #326
Buckley Carlson
"You say, Senator Graham, 'You can’t govern the country 
based on being angry'.  What about pouting?”
World's Worst Yoobs #153
Nellie Andreeva
For a Texas shitkicker, Ted Cruz has the most 
immaculate cowboy boots in the Senate.
When it comes to that 6-car pileup called 'George 
Zimmerman', the media are all rubberneckers.
REPORT:  There's Gold in Them Thar Angry Turds!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Warm Scuzzies #544
John Menard, Jr.
Less than one day after he pledged to "repeal every word
 of Obamacare," Ted Cruz has signed up for Obamacare.

Cave Springs, Arkansas Police Department Acquires
$30,000 Armored Vehicle, Says It's Now Ready for
the Coming Zombie Apocalypse
Humans eventually became extinct, but their
weapons kept on fighting.
"Ted Cruz is too fey to suit me."
In their psychosexual development, do Hoosier women 
experience 'Pence Envy'?
President of Afghanistan and U. S. Secretary of State
in 30-Minute, Two Out of Three Falls, Grinning Match
Syrian Fighters Take Time Out to Play Angry Birds
It is easier to imagine Bender as Napoleon than 
George Zimmerman as Anne Frank.
When she grows up, she wants to be a Ted Cruz jeerleader.
"Before 9/11, my favorite musical composition was Brahms' 
Paganini Variations.  But 9/11 changed everything, including 
my taste in music, and so I started listening to country music, 
especially Homer and Jethro's 'The Battle of Kookamonga'."
United States Spying on Israel Spying on Iran Spying 
on Iraq Spying on ISIS Spying on the United States
Warm Scuzzies #543
Gulfport Energy
"Could John Kasich be the GOP’s secret weapon in 2016? 
At least John Kasich thinks so."
Members of Matthew 24 Now, a band of curbside buskers 
from Idaho, have been arrested after sparking a riot in the 
middle of a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona.  
One observer described their music as "Just screeching 
noise, like unreal."
With the firing squad making a comeback in Utah, can
drawing and quartering be far behind?