Saturday, May 14, 2011

If Rand Paul is the most interesting man in
the Senate, what does this say about Reason,
the Lexus of libertarian periodicals? 
Newt Gingrich Accused of Aiding and Abetting Lampooners,
Wags, Parodists, Satirists, and Suckling Tigers
The Palestinian youth didn't live in a glass house,
so he felt free to throw stones.
The Palestinian boy was on the verge of saying, 'Better to
light a candle than to curse the darkness', but he didn't
speak English, so he remained silent.
Have you noticed how the interval between your quarterly
Mental Prophylaxes with Nurse Pelosi seem to grow
shorter and shorter? 
"Relax, Senator Coburn, that call was from Rachel Maddow.
She just wanted to say, 'Hi!'"
George and Laura Bush were dining here when they received
 word from President Obama that Osama bin Laden had been
killed.  Here's what the proprietors of this restaurant say
about themselves:  "rise n°1 is a 92-seat salon de soufflé
and wine bar, located in the heart of landmark retail center
 Inwood Village. A relaxed bistro focused on the soufflé –
the masterpiece of French cuisine – rise n°1 is the first of
its kind, bringing the French classic to Dallas diners in a
comfortable, casual environment."  If you choose to dine
here, be advised that it's considered gauche to order a
side of 'Freedom Fries'.
The main reason the National Museum of Patriotism is so
popular is that no one ever has to stand in line to get in.
The state motto of West Virginia is 'Mountaineers Are
Always Free'.  But, as mountain-top removal continues
apace in that Appalachian state, the motto will eventually
have to be changed to 'Levellers Are Always Flat Broke'.
Narcissus of the Boardroom
“Divided government here in Zombieland is the best time —
and some would argue the only time — where you can do
really big stuff, like denying health care to everybody
too old, too young, or too poor to afford it."
"Have you seen my new Learn Our History: Time Travel
Academy video series?  Critics are saying the animations
are the best since Jonny Quest and are more historically
accurate than the Mr. Peabody and Sherman segments
on The Bullwinkle Show."
"Before I became an oil speculator, my life as a slug
was dreadfully boring."
Man Loses Hair, Finds It on Chin
Massive Porn Stache Found in
Bin Laden Compound
In football, this is known as the 'Double Wingnut Formation'.
"What's it like to be a rich 'slave', Senator Paul?"
Dwight Probasco to Perform 'Wasillan Rhapsody'
at High School Graduation
"My property rights to own slaves eclipses their
civil rights to personal liberty."
"If you want me to stay in the House of Representatives,
please make a donation of $25. If you want me to seek the
presidency, please make a donation of $50. If you want
me to stomp my feet and scream like a three-year-old,
please make a donation of $100."

Friday, May 13, 2011

Rightbloggers and Other
Internet Biohazards #96
Advice Goddess
"Mr. Mulva, do you realize your name is the only word in
English I know that rhymes with vulva?"
“OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders.
I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes
about an hour. I then comb my hair. Yes, I use a
comb. Do I comb it forward? No, I don’t comb it
forward. I actually don’t have a bad hairline.
When you think about it, it’s not bad. I mean, I
get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it’s not really
a comb-over. It’s sort of a little bit forward and back.
 I’ve combed it the same way for years. Same thing,
every time.”
"Yes, they're the best wings I've ever had!"

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Having decided to cut out the middleman, a corporation
is on the verge of announcing a run for the Presidency.
"Make that 'REVEREND William Temple', or I'll have
you bastinadoed!"
If John Boehner had to wear his lies,
they would be illegal in Florida.
Magical Depressionism #23
A Rising Tide Lifts All Yachts
Downward mobility?  America, get used to it!
Only a genius, like Matt Bai, would think of comparing Newt
Gingrich to Charles de Gaulle as a way of dissing the French
worse than calling them 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys'.
Contrary to the rumors flying around, Bristol
 Palin did not have a face transplant.  All she
did was lose five pounds of baby fat.
Granted, the pay at Sonic wasn't all that hot, but it sure beat
hunting sabre-toothed cats for a living.
"We love each other very much.  This is why, 
after 25 years, I'm terminating our marriage." 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Rightbloggers and Other
Internet Biohazards #95
Raging Elephants
Senator Paul Suspects He's on President Obama's
Enemas List
Warm Scuzzies #185
John McKernan
“I cannot tolerate a man serving as our ambassador to our
chief strategic adversary in the world plotting, while in that
capacity, to run against the President of the United States. 
 If you think this reason for not supporting Jon Huntsman
for the Republican presidential nomination sounds far-
fetched, that's because you're not as patriotic as I am."
Schock Jock

Monday, May 09, 2011

Unlike liberals, there aren't 365 ways to drive conservatives
crazy.  Why?  Because they're already crazy.

Warm Scuzzies #184
Jim Moats
Do you wish to know how Rick Santorum is winning over
disaffected South Carolina Republicans?  If so, you must
first overcome the fear of the dark, the fear of loud noises,
the fear of falling, the fear of reptiles, and the fear of
frothy mixtures.  
Newt Gingrich to Announce 2012
Run on Farcebook
O Robin, Where Art Thou?
Hasidic Newspaper Photoshops Hillary Clinton Out of
Iconic Photo to Minimize Its Sexual Suggestiveness
Blogging Again Fails to Make List of 'Top 20
Useful College Majors'
News of Sbarro Bankruptcy Even Less Interesting
Than the Food

Sunday, May 08, 2011

"Remind me again:  are you Warren Burger, John Cornyn,
Lloyd Hand, or Silvermane?"
There's one word that unfailingly brings a
smile to Dick Cheney's cadaverous visage:
Animal Kingdom Wins Kentucky Derby for 137th Time
When Governor Jindal released his birth certificate, people
were shocked to learn he doesn't have a middle name and
that his first name isn't really 'Bobby'.