Saturday, April 01, 2006

When he found out he had been
seated on the Left Hand of God, instead
of the Right, the President exclaimed:
"You gotta be pulling my leg from here
to San Antone!"
Foreign Secretary Jack Straw said
he was confident that even if she
never became President of the United
States, Secretary of State Rice would
be canonized as St. Condi, in recognition
of her missionary zeal in democratizing
the British Isles.
Paul Mirengoff is something of a sex
symbol for women on the right side of the
blogosphere, like Aunt Pamela, KLo, and Libidus
Woman. Privately, they affectionately refer to
him as Studley Do-Right. Can you imagine the terms
of endearment they use for The Hindrocketeer and
Elephant Man, the other hunks at Power Line?
This is the letter-box version of the only
black-and-white photograph of James
Lileks known to exist on the Internet. It has
not been re-formatted to fit your screen, nor
has it been colorized to enhance the subject's
grey-scale personality.
According to Entertainment Weekly,
Howard Stern is superduper pissed that
the Sirius Radio satellite has been aimed
in the wrong direction, and, as a result,
his 4 million listeners are from Uranus.
In China, the use of cellphones in public
places has really gotten out of hand.
If you haven't met the guy
from Minnesota who decided
to punish the Internet because
he had been sentenced to
live the drabbest life in the
history of Planet Earth,
meet James Lileks.
Howard Kaloogian on Location in Jerusalem
for Monty Python's Life of Brian
When the authenticity of this picture was
challenged, Howard Kaloogian was able to
prove that the figure on the left was indeed
the star of Mel Brooks' classic comedy,
The 2000-Year-Old Man.
The Department of Defense has awarded a $20 million
contract to Halliburton to develop effective countermeasures
against Improvised Slingshot Devices.
Released after being held captive for almost three months,
Kermit the Frog was viciously attacked by right-wingers for
saying his captor, Neal Boortz, had treated him like a puppet.
Neal Boortz thinks Cynthia McKinney's
new hairdo is 'hideous'. Asked what he
thinks about his own, Boortz admits
he doesn't have enough hair to do.
Asked how he produces the Don Imus Show,
Bernard McGuirk pointed toward his Hairy Asterisk.
Over at Power Line, Paul Mirengoff is threatening
to loose these Dogs of War on Iran.
This young scholar has just won a
Condoleeza Rice Genius Grant, which
he will use to write his four-volume
dissertation, "The Mistakes of the
Bush Administration."
"If I didn't already have a Ph.D.,
I could write my dissertation on the
mistakes of the Bush Administration."
"Figuratively speaking, we've made
thousands of tactical errors in Iraq."
Jack Straw was struck in the right
eye today by one of Secretary of
State Rice's rhetorical misfires.
"I had to call my Mom four times before she did
anything about those liberal bullies who were
calling me 'Mama's Boy'."
Jonah Reaches for the Beano
Breaking News!
Man Gets Trapped in Time
Chinese Woman Struggles Heroically to Keep the
Government from Pulling the Wool over Her Eyes
Thailand's Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra,
currently has the lead over President Bush in their
domestic spying contest.

Friday, March 31, 2006

In Tom DeLay, Tony Rudy found the
perfect boss: he pays you well and
is never nosy about what you do.
Commenting on Colin Powell's infamous
multimedia presentation at the UN, Richard
Cohen said in 2003: "Only a fool--or
possibly a Frenchman--could conclude"
that Iraq didn't have WMDs. Commenting on
the very same presentation in 2006, Mr.
Cohen says: "Almost none of it is true."
Which Cohen should we believe?
A flaw in Google's search algorithm
was discovered today when someone
searching for 'Tony Rudy' turned up
this image on Howard Kaloogian's website.
Before it was unmasked as a bit of Photoshop
fakery, some people thought this was a picture
of Chang and Eng Bunker after they conjoined
the Republican Party.
"Did you know, Justice O'Connor, that the
original title of Whistler's Mother was
A Study in Black in White?"
Secretary of State Rice realized too
late she shouldn't have criticized
the British for using bad grammar.
If it takes three ICE Police to nab two illegal
immigrants and there are 12,000,000 of them,
then we'll need to hire 18,000,000 more cops.
Tonight on TV Land, Howard Kaloogian
stars in 'Howdy Doody and the Search for
the Bamboozle Box'.
Justice Thomas is really hacked that
Nino has dumped him for Sammy.
Exclusive Photo of the U. S. Army's Revolutionary
New Nuclear-Powered Slingshot
Prominent Italian-American Jurist Identified As
Godfather of Lou Costello Crime Family
Axis of Weasels: Tancredo+Kaloogian+Morgan

Thursday, March 30, 2006

"I would be willing to grant amnesty to any
illegal immigrant who is no taller than this,
about the size of my waistline."
Asked why she is looking so fabulous these days,
First Lady Laura Bush replied she has been lifting
weights for the past four years. "You mustn't forget,"
she added, "George weighs almost 200 pounds
in his underwear."
"Get governing, Iraq! or I'll invade you a second time."
Looking at this picture of Senator Conrad Burns,
something reminds you of what Samuel Johnson
once wrote: "Patriotism is the last refuge of
a scoundrel."
There was a time when George Bush
and Andrew Card were world-class
synchronized walkers. But not anymore.
President Bush is very fond of his new Rococo Revival
Crystal Crown, given to him by the owner of an antebellum
mansion in Natchez, Mississippi.
Looking ahead to 2008, Secretary of State Rice has
reportedly started investing heavily in Glamour Shots.
Which came first?
The Apple or the
Apple Corps?
When President Bush appeared at Congressman
Mike Sodrel's fundraiser in Indianapolis on
Monday, everyone seemed to be happy that
infants were charged only $500 a pound, instead
of the $10,000 a head for adults.
Representative Jean Schmidt has withdrawn
from a debate with her Republican opponent
because she reminds herself too much of
Frau Bl├╝cher.
First made famous by the classic Monty Python
sketch, 'Italian Lesson', Bill Napoli, a state
senator from South Dakota, has become even
more famous for his opinion that the
two-month-old mother who had two
abortions would have been tried for murder
had she been born in his state, instead of Pakistan.
Declaring "I'm not going to let
them get away with it," Senator
Lieberman invited his critics
into the ring for 15 rounds of
heavyweight action to be televised
on Nick at Nite.
In 1998, Jacob Weisberg said that
President Clinton had only a 25%
chance of surviving the Lewinsky
scandal. In 2004, he admitted he
was incorrect in backing the invasion
of Iraq. In 2006, he says Kevin Phillips
is wrong about everything. These have
come to be called Weisbergisms.
"To quote the great philosopher Frank
Sinatra, I'm going to lose My Way,
just like I did in 2000 and 2004."