Breaking News Mashups #4

"GOP Says No to Rice But Loves 60-Day Bread"

"Everybody has an opinion on global warming, you know, 

and I, you know, I probably don’t believe that it’s man-

made.  I believe that, you know, that weather elements

 are controlled maybe by different things, like Gila 

monsters and night crawlers."

"As you can see, Mitt, the Presidential Seal Rug really

ties this room together."

Hemmer & Hawer

Schopenhauerean Gets Chilly Reception at

Local Optimist Club

Republican Party Best Seller

Think of it:   you may never have to gaze upon the

funereal visage of Tagg Romney ever again!

There's a reason why your stomach

sometimes churns at night while you're

trying to sleep.

News Reaches the Philippines That 36 Republicans 

(and Counting) Have Abandoned Norquist

Virus Goes Viral, Says, "What Did You Expect Me to Do?

Go Ask Alice When She's Ten Feet Tall?"

Republican House Leadership Chooses Candice 'New 

Broom' Miller to Chair Housekeeping Committee

"Believe me, if I had my druthers, I would have

been born a Chilehead.  But, you know, John

Calvin got his way, and so here I am, a pre-

destinated Potatohead."

Libyan Rebel Awakes from Nightmare in Which Louie

Gohmert Claimed Barack Obama Deposed Muammar

Gaddafi at the Behest of Al-Qaida

"What, me worry?  Don't be ridonkulous!  I have a 

Furshlugginer Potrzebie of political capital to spend!"

Bad Spellers of the World, UNTIE! #135

"Don't start the revolution without me!"

Little Known Fact #32

'Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother' is not

Richard Mourdock's favorite song.

Sign of the Times #32

RINO Pretender

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #444

Thomas Lifson

"But, Your Excellency, Westminster Abbey is not for sale."

"Pish-posh, Very Reverend Dr. John Hall, in this world,

EVERYTHING is for sale!"

Greedheads Galore #30

Bob Perry

"Yes, Vladimir Putin, I hang with Pussy Riot.

  And if you had a 'moral foundation', I 

would undermine it!"

Mr. Clean

Squeaky, His Son

Kuratas, Successor to ED-209, Challenges

RoboCop to Duel

Warm Scuzzies #348

Gregory Rayburn

"The Obama Administration sent planes and bombs

 and support to oust Qaddafi so that al-Qaeda and

 the Muslim Brotherhood could take over Libya

 and jumpstart a new Automobile Empire in the 

Middle East."

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #76

The Land Orthodontists Forgot

Kim Jong-Un Denies Chinese Newspaper Punked by 

The Onion, Says He Really Did Receive 'Sexiest 

Man Alive' Award

Ivanka Trump Denies Story about Family Feud

 over Obama-Bashing, Says "We Kids Are Just 

as Nuts as Dear Old Dad"

House Republican Committee Chairs All White, All Male,

All the Time

Can you believe Rick Perry is going to make us

wait until next July before he announces his 

'future political plans'?  

Pastor Warren Sez:  "And hate is never of God, never." 

The Bible Sez:  "Because the LORD was not able to

 bring them into the land which he promised them, and 

because he hated them, he hath brought them out to 

slay them in the wilderness."

[The more people study the Bible, the more people

will lose their faith.]

Glenn Beck Interrupts Chalk Talk to Demonstrate the 

Specific Gravity of His Urine

David Petraeus Sez:  "I screwed up royally."

[Not only 'up', but also Paula Broadwell.]

Congratulations!  Mitt Romney narrowly defeated you

for the top slot on GQ's list of the 25 'Least Influential

People of 2012'.

Warm Scuzzies #347

Stacie Laughton

Obama, Romney to Have Private Foodfight Thursday

"Piers, sometimes I get angry and I feel like punching a guy

 in the nose. It doesn’t mean I act on it, unless he's gay." 

Buffett Backs Dimon for Mayor of Margaritaville

At the root of the theory of American Exceptionalism 

is the practice of Star-Spangled Perception.

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #443

Sheryl Nuxoll

Elsie the Cow Spilled Milk Riot Now in Its Third Day

“Boehner, Boehner, don’t be a dick, 

budget cuts will make us sick.”

“The Republicans are in a shocking

amount of disarray right now.” 

Rick Santorum Sez:  “I’m open to a 2016 run for 

President, yeah. I think there’s a fight right now

 as to what the soul of the Republican Party’s 

going to be and who gets the wingnut welfare, 

and we have something to say about that."

[Bring on the froth!]

Eisenhower Romancing His Driver

"You know how to whistle, don't you? You 

just put your lips together and ... blow"

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #442

Millie Hallow

"Hell yes, I've got milk!"