Saturday, February 14, 2015

Warm Scuzzies #531
Ron Dermer
"What's Kanye West doing here?"
"Looks like he's getting ready to interrupt
Valentine's Day."
The remains of a couple in a 6000-year-old embrace prove
Valentine's Day has been observed much longer than
previously believed.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Warm Scuzzies #530
Eric Parker
Fiancee Kisses Ass Goodbye

Thursday, February 12, 2015

If, as Pope Francis claims, it's selfish not to have children, 
the hierarchy of the Catholic Church must consist of 
 the most selfish people on Earth.
Clive Crook says laughing at politics
is not enough.  OK. we'll laugh at
Clive Crook, too.
Hey, Ash!  You now get to administer a government
department with an annual budget of almost half a
 trillion bucks.  Put on a happy face!
On Darwin's birthday, Scott Walker sets a new record 
for the longest punt in the history of evolution.
If he had really existed, Charles Darwin would be 206 today.
Once thought impossible, Jeb Bush seems to
be more clueless than his brother, even failing
at the simple task of picking his nose.
White, Angry, Gun-Obsessed, Hates  Orange
"Pardon me, but do you know the way to the egg?"
"Funny, I was going to ask you the same question."
If you put Milton Friedman in charge of the Sahara Desert, 
in 5 years, there'd be a free market charging you to live 
in it and to be buried under it.
Scholars say 'dumb as a post' is the shortened
and generalized form of an older idiomatic
expression, 'dumb as a New York Post'.
"After 14 years in Afghanistan and 12 years in Iraq, 
three years in Syria sounds positively fugacious."
"Where are all those goats headed?"
"To Mickey Kaus's house."
"You may be wondering why anyone with half a brain 
would go to a gun range with a guy of whom he said, 
“This dude is straight up nuts!"
Kory Watkins and Veronica Dunnachie: she
 later murdered her husband and stepdaughter. 
He is now saying that Joe Straus, the Speaker
of the Texas House of Representatives, "is
a tyrant and should be charged with crimes
against the American people."
The air in Debbie Schlussel's cave was polluted by her 
mephitic and pestilential breath.
North Korea Unveils 310 New Slogans, Including: 
"Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms!" and
"Keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit!"
'Montana Lawmaker Fails to Ban Yoga Pants'
"Holy Hell,  that's a spider, man!"
"I served with Republicans. I knew Republicans. Republicans 
were friends of mine. Senator Cruz, you're no Republican!"
The Land of Punt was known for producing aromatic
 resins, ebony, wild animals, and Scott Walker.
Two-Minute Haters #47
Deborah Karen Schlussel

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

"Anthony wants to know what these 95 Theses are all
about and who the hell Martin Luther is!"
Ethan Czahor, we hardly knew ye.
"Governor Walker, do you believe in evolution?"
“I’m going to punt on that."
"Oh, so you do believe in football?"
"Brian Williams, you're black!"
Bostonian Practicing Safe Breath with Dentyne Ice
Governor Brownback Changes His Genus to Kansanisia, 
Says He Doesn't Like Genus Homo
"That Homo sapiens costume you're wearing, Governor 
Brownback, doesn't fool us for a New York minute!"
America's gun culture won't change until owning a gun
 is as uncool as wearing a Bluetooth headset.
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #612
David Moore
"Hey, there aren't nearly enough mics up here!"
"How does that Puritan get away with burning 
people at the stake?"
"He claims a 'religious exemption'."
"Would you mind stop calling white American terrorists
 'lone wolves'?  Lone wolves don't murder people."
It's official:  there are now enough 'lone wolves' to make
up a 'wolf pack'.
Craig Stephen Hicks, White American Terrorist,
Murders Three Muslims Near University of North
Carolina-Chapel Hill Campus
"I like my illusions better than your illusions."
Little Known Fact #58
Senator John Barrasso (R-WY) originated the 'Hands Up,
Don't Shoot' meme at CPAC four years ago.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Same-Sex Marriage makes Clarence
Thomas sad.  He has obviously forgotten
when an interracial marriage in the
South would have gotten an African-
American man, like himself, lynched. 
 He's like the recent immigrant to 
the United States who demonizes 
'illegal aliens' and wants them to
"Don't be such a baby!  Like Mike Huckabee says,
 'Beheading is much worse than a sunburn'."
"In our religion, saying 'Beheading is much worse than a 
sunburn' is a damnable heresy and a capital crime.  So, 
off with your head!"
Mike Huckabee Trips and Falls Into Own Asshole; 
Rescue Efforts Underway
"Let what just happened to Judge Roy Moore be a lesson
to you all!  Be not deceived; the Supreme Court is 
not mocked!"
"Hey, I'd swear that commandment wasn't there yesterday!"
Jeb Bush Demonstrating How the Pros Suck Koch
If Scott Walker gets his wish, will he establish 
a 'puppet regime' in Washington?