Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Politico Illustrated #10
"Bush a four-letter word at CPAC"

Elektro says he's still willing to walk a mile
for a Camel, but he wouldn't take ten steps
for a Ruyan V8.
For those who may have missed the 1960s
the first time around, we now have Fiscal
Responsibility, the New Counter-Culture.
This week at CPAC, cracks appeared in the united front
presented by Psychedelic Republicans. On the left are
those who believe Barack Obama is a Marxist, on the
right are those who believe he is a Leninist, and in the
center are those who believe he is a Marxist-Leninist.

Friday, February 27, 2009

It's not the size of Jim Calhoun's salary--$1.6 million per
year--as coach of the University of Connecticut basketball
team that makes you want to retch. It's the size of his ego,
which is way out of proportion relative to the size of
his importance in the overall scheme of things.
So this is how the World That Reagan Built ends---
not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Was Sarko the Giant 'too big to fail' or 'too big not
to fail'? Carla Bruni wasn't sure.
The crowd went wild when Mike Huckabee announced
that next year's CPAC would convene in Tennessee in
June and would be called 'Wankeroo'.
If you add John Boehner's favorability
rating (16%) to Mitch McConnell's (22%),
that's only 38%. Still way too high, if you
stop and think about it.
The Obama family has decided to adopt a
State Fair of Texas Cornyn Dog. It is slated
to arrive at the White House in April,
"Where would our civilization be today if we had rejected
Homer and Shakespeare, just because they made stuff up?"
"To give you some idea of how big $1 trillion is,
at my current rate of $150,000 per speech, you
could pay me to give 6,666,666 speeches and
still have some money left over."
"At this very moment, Joe the Plumber, Michelle Malkin, and
Glenn Reynolds are mobilizing to increase the visibility of our
American Tea Party. I can hardly wait to see what we look like
on Pajamas TV!"
The resignation of a California mayor just goes to show, one
more time, that some people can tell watermelon jokes,
some can't.
By unanimous consent, Benjamin Ginsburg has been
re-elected President of the Ugly American Lawyers
Bush Administration Straw Man to Publish Memoir,
My Years with Rove
Ladies, for those of you who will be attending
George Bush's first post-presidential speech
in Calgary next month and have been wondering
what to wear, here's a suggestion.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

"Like John Boehner said, 'We just have to admit
we're broke'. I did, and that's when being a street
beggar became a point of pride for a principled
conservative like me."
After putting 223,000 miles on the Ford F-150 he
bought in 1989, Fearguth reluctantly purchased a
brand new Chevrolet Silverado in 2008. Can you
imagine his shock when he learned today that,
despite his selfless sacrifice, General Motors lost
$30.9 billion in 2008?
Some questions are hard to answer, but not this
one. For anyone with a child's understanding
of the Law of Cause and Effect, America hasn't
been attacked since 9/11 because Slate was
created by Michael Kinsley in 1996 and Timothy
Noah has been investigating this question ever
since he repudiated a Slate column he wrote in
2003, advocating the invasion of Iraq, in a Slate
column he wrote a year later, in 2004, admitting he
had been played the fool by Colin Powell and the
Bush Administration. Timothy is now producing
the fruit of his lengthy investigation--eight Slate
essays--which, hopefully, he will be able to
complete before Osama bin Laden emerges
from his cave and attacks America again.
Despite a deep recession, Fearguth's Hall of Wackos has
been growing at a much faster pace than the computer
model of the George W. Bush Presidential Library at
Southern Methodist University. The Hall's director says
that the addition of yet another right wing to the existing
structure will be required in the not-too-distant future,
making it look more and more like the Ninth Circle of Hell.
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #18
Jeb Hensarling
"Sorry, we're just a bunch of normal people dressed up
as clowns. You'll find the real clowns across the street
at the Conservative Political Action Conference,
dressed up as normal people."
"Dusty Foggo, a former high-ranking CIA official, has been
sentenced to more than three years in prison for a fraud
scheme in which he steered procurement contracts to an
old friend. His sentence might have been lighter if all of his
good deeds over the years hadn't been classified Top Secret."
"Who are you calling a bore? You're not exactly
Tim the Enchanter yourself!"
Kashmiri Protesters Showing Banks One Way of
Handling 'Illiquid Assets': Hurl Them
"No federal money for volcano monitoring in the state
of Washington, no federal money for hurricane
monitoring in the state of Louisiana. That's what I'd be
saying right now had Rush Limbaugh not given me this
handsome barber-pole tie from his No Boundaries
Porter Goss, former congressman and short-time
CIA director, is not yet in over his head in the Dusty
Foggo affair. But the water's rising.
As Dusty Foggo, former #3 man in
the CIA, can tell you, 'procurement'
is a term best used in only two
contexts: illicit sex and defense
Grow Your Own Dope: Plant a Conservative Republican
World's Worst Yobs #79
Michael Gerson
Patrick Ruffini wants no part of 'The Joe-the-Plumberization
of the GOP'. Instead, he loves Newt Gingrich's "emphasis on
finding 80/20 issues and defining them in completely non-
ideological terms"---'The Newtering of the GOP', in other words.
Daffy Duck, like Sisyphus, had annoyed the gods. His
punishment was to 'push the envelope' throughout
all eternity.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Times were so tough that the world's last
Dick Cheney impersonator had been laid off.
"OK, this may be a little hard to follow, but
stick with me; it'll all become clearer at the
end. Yes, the Republican Party is a disaster;
it's ideology has become nihilistic. But if
enough people read my columns in the New
York Times and watch me hobnob with Mark
Shields on the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer,
I'll be able to lead my party and the American
people on the long and winding Nietzchean
road beyond nihilism."
Senator Robert Byrd, 91, Accuses President
Barack Obama, 47, of Youthfulness Grab
In these lean times, people with fat heads, like
Rush Limbaugh, are at a natural disadvantage.
Republican strategist Ed Rollins says last night
was good for Sarah Palin, who didn't open her
mouth, and bad for Bobby Jindal, who did.
"Senator DeMint, I don't think you or Senator Price are likely
to be picked out of the lineup. But Senator Thune, with that
jack-o-lantern colored tie, well . . ."
"I wholeheartedly agree, Justice Ginsburg. Senator Bunning's
role in the collapse of the 1964 Phillies remains one of the
most infamous in baseball history."
Black conservatives are wild and crazy guys. Think of
Armstrong Williams, Thomas Sowell, Shelby Steele,
Juan Williams, Clarence Thomas, Stephen Carter, Walter
Williams, Alan Keyes, and a handful of others. The list
isn't long, because, as American history makes clear,
conservatives didn't exactly free the slaves or release
African-Americans from the grasp of Jim Crow. But
now a Black conservative, Michael Steele, has become
the leader of the Southern White Wealthy Christian
Heterosexual Male Party. Yessir, wild and crazy is written
all over his face.
Portrait of the Counter-Cultural Norm

Bobby Jindal Surpasses Jar Jar Binks in List of
'Top 10 Arguments Against Intelligent Design'
Professional moral handwringers, like Rod Dreher,
are so deep into self-satire that it's difficult to satirize
them without feeling a twinge of guilt for trafficking in
gratuitous overkill.
Chickens Confirm Jindal Laid an Egg Last Night

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"It's time for me to stop kidding around and tell you what
I really think: Barack Obama is a conscious, articulate
agent of the International Pessimist Conspiracy!"
"One hundred! One thousand! One million! One billion!
One trillion! One quadrillion! What number comes
next? ¿Quién sabe?"
"Although I wasn't invited to Obama's summit, I'm
thrilled that he takes true fiscal conservatives,
like Andrew Sullivan and me, seriously."
"So what's it going to be, soldier? A civil discussion of
the three stage progression in moral thinking from
pre-conventional thinking about punishments and
rewards, through conventional thinking about the
norms of friends and society, to post-conventional
thinking about universal rights and principles?
shall we keep wasting our breath, Crossfire-style?"

Icky Twerp

His Dog, Tiny Gonsalez