Saturday, August 02, 2008

Researchers Conclude President Bush and Dalai Lama Distanced
by Just 6.6 Degrees of Separation; Buddhists in Shock
Dung Fever Outbreak at McCain Campaign Headquarters
Directly Linked to Schmidt Sewage Geyser
The Senator had been saving saliva since his first run
for the Presidency eight years ago. It was a given his
opponent this time around was going to get wet.
Dana Milbank, Big Misquoto Hunter, Stalking His Prey
Milkweed Tussock Caterpillar Challenges
Hair Designer to Buzz Cut-Off
Best Served Ice Cold with a Wedge of Malice

Their future was so bright they had to wear shades.
Sunbathers Viewed from the Perspective
of Inbound Solar Radiation
Hassan searched high and low, but he could find no one who
would issue him a license for Eric, his pet swordfish.
Swiss Army Pupil

The beachcomber was careful not to disturb the
nesting activity of the double-breasted shorebirds.
Dittoheads Celebrating Rush Limbaugh's Twentieth
Year of Excellence in Broadcasting

Friday, August 01, 2008

If it were possible for an artist to be a triple threat, it would
be Driftglass. The title of his latest exercise in intellectual
cleanliness is "Chains You Can Believe In." Ah, yes, 'President
McChain': has a certain Yuletide ring to it, doesn't it?
"Wanna know why your eyes are brown, El Toro?
It's because you're full of bullshit, that's why!"
Things Older Than John McCain #2
Henry Kissinger
The only thing scarier than a nest of vipers is a pit of Sousaphones.
Here's How in Seven Easy Steps
1. Light four candles at nightfall and place
them north, south, east, and west.
2. Place a glass of water at the base of each candle.
3. Place some fingernail clippings in
a copper bowl and ignite.
4. Place the bowl in the center of the four candles,
thereby completing the pentagram of negative space.
5. Lay a solid line of moist earth in a complete circle
around the candles.
6. On the outside of that circle, lay another
circle of common salt.
7. Then begin the incantation: "Johnny Jump Up!
Johnny Jump Up! Johnny Jump Up!"
GM Posts $15.5 Billion Loss, Changes Name to Buck Private Motors
If Obama is Paris Hilton,

McCain is Katherine Jean Lopez.
Since there's already a popular website devoted to things
younger than John McCain, there's an obvious need for a
website featuring

Things Older Than John McCain #1
Blessed Father Ġorġ Preca
Karl Rove says he creates political campaigns for people who
watch TV with their brains turned off. Uh-oh.
Deacon, Big Trunk, and Hindrocket Waiting
to Have a Beer with Hillary
Pope Benedict to Play Herbert Gottlieb in Remake of
A Night at the Opera
"And when we come back: has John McCain played the
poodle card with his latest 'Obama the Celebrity' ad?"
"But I thought you gave Senator McCain his Imodium!
Well, there'll be hell to pay if he, er, 'surges' on his
fancy Ferragamos again."
"Put down your Constitution!
You have 20 seconds to comply!"
In a startling display of apophasis -- the raising of an issue by
denying an intention to mention it -- McCain said: "Race will
not have any role in my campaign. There's no place for it
and we shouldn't be doing it."
"I've received $881,450 from Big Oil since I announced support
for offshore drilling. So, whoever said flip-flopping does not
pay, fire his ass!"

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Rick and John began to realize that their Hell was
getting stuck--together-- in the elevator forever.
Do you sometimes get the feeling the United States
is sleepwalking into the Abyss?
Golden Retriever Adopts Tiger Cubs at Kansas Zoo;
Basset Hound Adopts Small Child at Local Pound
With a lead of only seven or eight points in the polls,
Senator Barack Obama announced today that he has
lost his mojo, that his race to the White House is
obviously hopeless, and that he is getting the hell
out of Dodge.
Marty the Organ Grinder and Jamie the Monkey
Entertaining Prospective TNR Subscriber
Something told Ram Singh his pet bear was backsliding again.
In the time it takes him to eat an ice cream bar, Warren
Buffet, the world's richest man, makes more money than
most people earn in a year.
"Ooooh, what a night! What's for breakfast, Mom?"
Vlad the Inhaler Ascending the Stairway to the Stars
Exxon Mobil Reports Largest Quarterly Profit in U.S. History
---Works Out to Be $1,485.55 a Second---
The fiendish orb had returned. And this
time, it meant business.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Personal Jet Pack Flies at Speeds of Up to 186 MPH
(Even in a 20-MPH Zone)

Among the old lady's many virtues was patience.

Forty years later it paid off.
Old justice pretended to be blind.

New justice doesn't even pretend.
In a better world, this would be
considered child abuse.
Translated into Italian, 'Beijing 2008' means 'Lasciate
ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate'. Translated into English,
it means 'Abandon all hope, ye who enter here'.
"I want to again urge all Americans to wear sunscreen and
stay out of the sun as much as possible. And, oh, I don't know
what happened to my flag pin. It must've fallen off after Cindy
and I decided to risk our lives by visiting the Pumpjack National
Monument on a bright, sunny day."
John McCain went negative. Since he was already negative
to start with, he began negating a negation and became
positive he's negative. (Or something to that effect.)
44-Pound Cat Needs to Find New Republican Home