Sunday, December 31, 2006

Fearguth will be offline from now until January 8,
so that he can give undivided attention to
the music on his Jam Cruise.
This is a Slinky. When your inner child takes over,
you know what to do.
In the final chapter of the thrill-packed serial, Commando
SNAFU, Sky Marshall of FUBAR, George Bush is unmasked
as the hero responsible for giving the wrong finger to Iraq.
According to the warbloggers, the 3,000th American soldier to
drown in the Iraq quagmire went down with a smile on his face.
What does the inscription say?
'Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
and wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
tell that its sculptor well those passions read'.
Sounds like Ozymandias, but no, it's Saddam
Hussein, just the latest of America's 'useful
dictators' whose usefulness ran out.
After spending ten days in Iraq, Senator Lieberman returned
to the United States to lead a parade of the Killer Klowns from
Outer Space.
Some days, there's simply more bull coming at you
than you can possibly handle.
Hockey Fan Claims to Be Victim of Attack by
Hezbollah Terrorist Recruited by North Korea,
Trained in Syria, and Funded by Iran
"When you get to Paradise, Saddam, be sure to send
me a postcard. You have my new address, don't you?"
Official Seal of Approval for Chinese Year of the Pig
"Johnny, tell your buddies they'll have to wipe those
muddy feet before they can set foot in the house."
The old woman could hardly wait for the arrival of 2007,
which she expected to be her most homeless year ever.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Trump's Latest Triumph,
the Prickly Tower
Grass-Roots Hemp Activist Making a New Year's Eve Delivery
Jonah Goldberg Proving He Can Swallow Anything
Overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds, Joe Lieberman
has been elected as the president of the moderate, unity
government in Iraq. Asked what it was like to be the first
Jew ever chosen to lead a Muslim nation, Joe raised his
fist and shouted, "Ready or not, Iran, here I come!"
"You're right! Takai Yakitori does wear elevator skates."
Candidate for Wife #4 Awaiting Free Test Drive
with Rush Limbaugh
As he left the Cabinet Room, Vice President Cheney
knew that the best years of his life were behind him.
Jan Rouven Performs 'Bush Screws America'
Squidward was really pissed when he heard
one of his cousins had been caught by the Japanese.
After Dog Blogging Went Out of Fashion
Butcher of Istanbul Sad to Hear Butcher of
Baghdad Has Been Hanged
Saints Adoring Holy Thingamajig

Friday, December 29, 2006

Israeli Air Force Cadets Receiving
Hat-Shaped Manna from Heaven
"Sorry, soldier, but your chest measurement falls
far short of what is required to become a member
of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders. So it's off to
Iraq with you!"
When pictures of President Bush are re-formatted to
fit your screen, his least essential part is sometimes
outside the frame and can't be seen.
"I know it's hard on your heart, Dick, but you really need
to pick up the tempo. Dog the Bounty Hunter is getting
closer and closer by the minute."
President Bush Dismisses Boogeyman's Claim He Holds
Copyright on Idea of Sending More Troops to Iraq
Indonesian Float-a-Potty
Rubberface, the notorious Connecticut hoodlum and
archenemy of Dick Tracy, is calling for more American troops
to be sent to Iraq because, he says, "it is strategically and
morally right for our nation. Call me a crook if you like. Just
don't call me a cut-and-run crook."
"I know what Jeff Greenfield said. But it's only when
Barack Obama wears a coat without a tie that the
President of Iran comes to mind."
Five years after 9/11, Osama bin Laden is still at large.
Is that a failure of White House policy? "Well," says
Homeland Security Adviser Frances Townsend, "I'm not
sure -- it's a success that hasn't occurred yet. I don't know
that I view that as a failure."

Thursday, December 28, 2006

President Bush says his national security team is making
great progress in walking around and avoiding the brush
on his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
President Bush was pleased to see that
Senator McCain's voice was in synch
with his. "Those ventriloquism lessons
have really paid off," he thought.
This New York City dog walker isn't going to need a
pooper scooper. He's going to need a front-end loader.
As he salutes (and Barney doesn't), notice that
the President is wearing what appears to be
a very cheap analog wristwatch. Somebody
has been shopping at Wal-Mart, don't you think?
These days, not even swans can resist the
temptation to get breast implants.
Economy Travelers Alert!
If you intend to pitch your tent along the Canal
Saint Martin in Paris, don't forget to make a
reservation well in advance, because campsites
are quite limited.
At first they were cheered as the Fantastic Four:
George Bush as Mr. Fantastic, Condi Rice as the
Invisible Woman, Bob Gates as the Human Torch,
and Dick Cheney as the Thing. Now they're booed
as the Futile Four.
George Walker Bush:
not a Lincoln,
not a Ford,

not even a Crosley.

Andrea Mantegna's Recently-Discovered Masterpiece,
Saint George of the Eternal Consultations
Some say a beard is a sign of manliness. But it could
also be a sign of poverty (i. e., too poor to shave),
a sign of sloth (i. e., too lazy to shave), a sign of
incompetence (i. e., too uneducated to shave), a
sign of anal retentiveness (i. e., too possessive to
shave), a sign of maturity (i. e., too wise to shave),
or a sign of thriftiness (i. .e, too tight to shave).
So which is it, O Bearded Ones?
And the Bearded Ones replied: "We have no
better reason to grow a beard than does
Fearguth. And what might that be?"
"Let me get this straight. Are you saying if the President
completely ignores our recommendations, the Iraq Study
Group should self-immolate on the White House lawn?"

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Although he still believes global warming is a hoax,
President Bush is now proposing to cover the Arctic
Ocean with styrofoam peanuts, in order to keep the
Earth's last polar bears afloat.