Saturday, March 18, 2006

Mormon Mitt Romney took the Vow of Vulcan
shortly before he went to the Vatican for a Mass held
by the Pope. To round out his Touch All Religious Bases
Tour, later this year he will confer with leaders of the
Church of the Subgenius during its annual X-Day 
Serbian peasants wait
expectantly to hear if they
have been cast as villagers in the
latest remake of Frankenstein.
With $10 million stuffed in her saddlebags,
Katherine Harris waved to the crowd and shouted:
"I'm in this race, and I'm going to win."
Too bad she was riding a 'Three-Gaited Horse',
a horse that 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) and falls.

Friday, March 17, 2006

If Dirk Diggler's fame had depended
on the size of his ersatz hairdo,
he might have looked like the next
Secretary of the Interior.
National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley
couldn't be sure who was sneaking up on him.
Was it Bob Woodward? Was it Patrick Fitzgerald?
Was it Scooter Libby? Was it Valerie Plame?
Was it SpongeBob SquarePants?

Although Governor Kempthorne
covered the $111 in bad checks
he wrote at Chic's Place, his
hairdresser refused to explain
why it costs so much to cut
so little in Boise, Idaho.
Ties between the United States and
Ireland were significantly strengthened
today when Prime Minister Ahern presented
President Bush a Miracle-Gro Four-Leaf
Clover Deluxe Gardening Set from
Toys Я Us.
'Blond Joke' futures on the CME
jumped more than 200 points
today on news that TSA lawyer
Carla Martin was even dumber
than had been forecast.
This is not the guy who played Clarabell
on the Howdy Doody Show.
This is the guy who plays Joe Lieberman
in the United States Senate.
Nominated to be the next Secretary of the Interior,
Governor Dirk Kempthorne vowed to do for the
entire U. S. what he has done for the state of Idaho.
If Jeff Goldstein had been
willing to shave off his beard,
he could have starred
in Brokeback Mountain.
Tonight on the Biography Channel--
'From Carbon Unit to Energy Beast:
the Life of David Horowitz'
"Mr. Willey, is that a tie you're wearing, or did the 
heart surgeon forget to sew you up?"
Why is it that fake Democrats insist
on wearing such scrofulous beards?
Take Joe Klein, for instance.
This is Ken Mehlman, the face of
today's Republican Party.
Don't forget: Beauty is only skin deep.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Secretary of State Rice was
puzzled when her robust
critique of Microsoft Jakarta
failed to interest the
Indonesian parliament.
The Baghdad courtroom was
convulsed when Saddam Hussein
and his brother-in-law performed
the Droodles version of the
Iraqi national athem.
When accused by the prosecution
of having less than 20/20 vision,
Saddam Hussein threatened to
lead a revolt of Iraq's fearsome
Four-Eyed People.
In last night's American-style
presidential debate in Italy,
Silvio Berlusconi used a clever
stratagem to keep his opponent,
Romano Prodi, in the dark.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

After he said, "Let's treat politicians like Twinkies.
They have to disclose their ingredients.",
thousands of viewers thought:
"Let's treat pundits like Port-a-Johns.
They have to show what they're full of."
"After I brought down Dan Rather,
I starred in the Hollywood blockbuster,
The Hindrocketeer."
"Now it's time for 'My Word'.
The word today is 'blondes Biest'."
Adele Fergusen says she has
"many black brothers and sisters
in this great country."
They're just not as white as she is.
Paleoanthropologists announced today
that Piltdown Man was still a hoax,
citing his great-grandson, Jeff Jacoby,
as living proof.
At his trial in Baghdad,
former judge Awad al-Bandar
was told to spit out the gum,
or else.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

PRC Premier Wen Jiabao uses Microsoft's
Revolutionary Edition of PowerPoint
to illustrate a new concept,
'the Socialist Path with Chinese Characteristics'.
Asked to spell 'Canandaigua', the venue for
his latest defense of the Medicare drug benefit,
the President donned his Neo costume and
quickly eluded the Agents of Acceptable Usage.
After hanging out with guys like
George Bush, Jesse Helms, and Clarence Thomas,
Claude Allen learned the hard way that
'Evil companions corrupt good morals'.
Oklahoma judge James Payne withdrew
his nomination to the Court of Appeals
when he discovered the Tenth Circuit
already had a George Romney look-a-like.
Senator Santorum has reneged
on his promise to stop weekly
meetings with the lobbyist for
Hello Kitty.
DC Philanthropist,
Barbara Bonfiglio,
to Move Out of
Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood

Monday, March 13, 2006

If Cliff May could drop bombs on
America's enemies in Iraq from a
B-52 bomber cruising at 40,000 feet,
he would join the Air Force tomorrow.
That would be conventional war,
war that's fair and square.
Cliff May says he prefers conventional war
to unconventional war.
Try to imagine him fighting either.
Saddam Hussein's co-defendant,
Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, praised
Allah today for keeping him in a
Baghdad jail, one of the safest places in Iraq.
And he said unto them,
"Let not your hearts be troubled.
Believe in God,
believe also in me."
Senator George Allen is the hands-down
favorite to become quarterback for
the Dallas Cowboys in 2008.
Having been impeached, convicted, and censured
by the Nevada State Assembly,
Kathy Augustine silenced her GOP critics
when she quoted Reagan's 11th Commandment:
"Thou shalt not speak ill of a fellow Republican."
"My enemies say I'm a
corrupt politician.
I say I'm Richard Pombo,
faithful deliverer of
constituent services."
Rick Santorum and Joe Pitts were on the
verge of coming to blows over whose
lapel pin was more patriotic.
Karl Rove hurried over the tarmac. He knew
the shelf life of Bush's brain was about to expire,
and he didn't want to be the one left holding the bag

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Model Used by Auguste Rodin for His
Famous Statue, The Thinker
"You know, people say to me, my buddies in Texas,
'How do you handle all this stuff?'
You know, after you've been George Bush for as long
as I have, you just have to get used to it."
Turkey Dance
"Some doctors have diagnosed the SRLC
as being in a 'persistent vegetative state'.
Well, this time, I'm afraid they're correct."
Lady in gimme cap checks watch,
thinks: "Jeebus, this is more boring
than church!"
The lady in red has been nominated for
Best Performance in a Supporting Role
for Graham Gone Wild.
Elephant Dwarfed by Star of
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
"Our Father, as we look ahead to almost
three more years of the Bush Administration,
may tempus fugit, but even faster."
Just why the SRLC delegate ended up at
Lost and Found eventually became clear.
A delegate at the SRLC was unaware
she was wearing two good reasons for
a law against flag descrecation.