Saturday, August 08, 2009

Q: Do you own a polychromatic anti-tank
umbrella, like this Russian woman?
A: If not, perhaps you should.
What if it turned out every American today is
as insane as his or her neighbor, and that the only
difference between Americans is that some know
they're insane and some don't? If that were
the case, it would be hypocritical to accuse your
neighbor of being insane, wouldn't it? But would
it be hypocritical to point out that your neighbor
doesn't know he's insane and you do?
We're all such prisoners of the past that the ultimate insult we
can hurl at our opponents--whether on the left, in the center, or
on the right--is to accuse them of being Nazis wearing brown
shirts carrying flags emblazoned with swastikas. Is that the best
we can do? Is our imagination of evil that time-bound and
impoverished? Come on, my fellow Americans, we can do
better than that!
Death of Pakistani Taliban Head a Blow to
Militants for a Week, Maybe Two
Will there be firearms in Heaven? If Yes, how would Heaven
be that different from Earth? If No, why would any NRA
member want to go there?
"Contrary to what you may be thinking, my grandson and
I are not wearing masks to keep our identities secret while
doing an infomercial for Elliptical Exercise Machines. No,
we're just having major playground fun in the manner of
Chairman Mao."
World's Worst Jobs #98
Moroccan Tanner
Are you tired of being asked if you are tired of
being told what to do if you are tired of being tired?
The Silver Turfer Wields the 'Power Cosmic' Against
Socialized Medicine
Silence of the Shams
Walter Krankheit
Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL) says he had a very good reason
for resigning from the U. S. Senate. He just can't remember
what it was.
World's Worst Yobs #77
Jim Geraghty
Asked what the two funniest words in the English
language are, Hillary Clinton replied, "John Bolton!"
"All I want to say is that the more I attend town hall
meetings, the more Norman Rockwell thinks I resemble
Abraham Lincoln."
FreedomWorks' Max Pappas says his organization is
so grass roots it is accepting donations as small as
25¢ in order to get its lectern refinished.
Suspicion that he is a refugee from Planet X was intensified
on Friday when Randy 'Birther Bill' Neugebauer (R-TX)
pointedly refused to produce a copy of his birth certificate.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Today's town hall mobs are the offspring of
the marriage of knaves who lie and fools
who believe them.
Sarah Palin Says Hypnotoad Will Be Euthanized by
'Death Panel' If Health Care System Is Reformed
[Click Image If You Dare!]
"Fools' names, like fools' faces,
Are often seen in public places."
Toxicology tests show Billy Mays had alcohol,
cocaine, hydrocodone, oxycodone, tramadol,
alprazolam, and diazepam in his body at the
time of his death. Oddly, not found in his body
were either OxiClean or Orange Glo.
When Scrapbooking Therapy Fails
"See me, feel me, touch me, heal me."
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #65
Andy Martin
Like to count? If so, count the number of African-Americans,
Mexican-Americans, and Asian-Americans you see in this
picture of an anti-health-care reform protest in Raleigh,
North Carolina.
Ghastly Monsters and Blond Giants #8
Pamela Geller and Gerard Van der Leun
Glenn Beck had intended to poison Nancy Pelosi's wine,
but she poisoned his Enfamil first.
World's Worst Yobs #118
Tim Phillips

Thursday, August 06, 2009

"Dick Cheney, I'll never forget what you did on
behalf of the Mandrill Liberation Front! May
you live forever!"
For some reason, 'From Blunt to Sessions to Vitter'
never quite had the cachet as 'From Tinker to Evers
to Chance'.
And then there's David Miscavige, the Big Enchilada of
today's Church of Scientology, who makes L. Ron Hubbard
and Dianetics sound like the second coming of Plato and
his immortal dialogues.
The Day Bambi Got Tasered
When will those who Twitter come to their senses and realize
that a 140-word-limit is much too long? Fearguth is looking
forward to the day when the attention span of the American
people will be so short that a one-word caption to a photo
of Dean Esmay being nuzzled by Z, his pet ferret, will be
considered the height of verbosity.
Sure, deploying the Green Lantern to Afghanistan won't
come cheap, but since American taxpayers will already
spend $65 billion over there this year alone, probably
no one will notice.
The story out of Washington is that only 'a handful of
Republicans' voted to confirm Sonia Sotomayor as a
Supreme Court Justice. If you're having a hard time
imagining 'a handful of Republicans', perhaps this
photograph will help.
"And if you are among the first 500 to subscribe
today, we'll
include a 2-lb. tank of laughing gas and
a balloon with Megan McArdle's picture on it-----

The Unexpurgated Bible #23
"But of the Tree of Cigna
, thou shalt not eat of it: for in
the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."

Two Nuts

Two More Nuts
Word on the street is that zombies have been
moonlighting as teabaggers, and vice versa.
Been waiting for a worthy cause you could
really put your heart into?
Young America's Foundation spokesman Jason
Mattera says his favorite song is 'I Could Always
Eat Your Brain'.
George Paz, Chairman and CEO of Express Scripts,
has sent an email to all his employees, encouraging
them to oppose health care reform. That's not at all
surprising, given the fact that his total compensation
in 2008 was $12,774,367. If you were making that kind
of dough, would you want to change the status quo?
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #64
Todd Akin
Think of how much health care Cigna had to
deny its customers in order to pay $12,236,740
in 2008 to its CEO, H. Edward Hanway.
Former U. S. Representative William Jefferson (D-LA)
has been convicted on 11 counts of defacing $90,000 in
US currency by keeping it frozen beyond the use-by date.
Did you hear the story about the clown
who ate the canary?
Stop laughing at the way Donald Kagan looks!
You'd look the same way if you were a
neoconservative and your children were
named Frederick, Robert, and Kimberly.
Having lost the ratings battle with Two Dudes
and a Webcam, Mouthpiece Theater has been
cancelled. Asked to comment on this hard-
earned reversal of fortune, Dana Milbank said,
"It's a brutal world out there in the blogosphere.
often surprised by the ferocity out there, but
I probably shouldn't be."

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Two thousand years later, first-century Birthers
were still demanding to see the long form of the
Son of God's birth certificate.