Saturday, April 08, 2006

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld and Secretary of
State Rice weren't on speaking terms. That was evident.
But what they didn't know was that they were being
filmed for a TV infomercial about how people can get
rich quick by finding all the loose change hidden in
the average American couch.
Tom DeLay's downfall has been traced
to the day he got carried away and said,
"Sieg Heil, Orkin Man!"
Written all over the Senators' faces was an
unmistakable message: "We don't have the
foggiest idea of what to do about illegal immigration.
And even if we did, rest assured we would do our dead
level best to turn it to partisan advantage. "
"Just between you and me, Joe, your chances for re-election
to the Senate would be much better if you ran as a political
outsider, like, say, 'the Lindsey Graham from Connecticut'."
Touching your upper lip with the end of your nose
is called 'gurning', a talent most politicians lack.
That's why they aren't offended by the smell of
what they say.
A slice of cheesecake, measuring 75 feet by 110 feet, was
spotted in the Nevada desert yesterday by drooling Googlers.
The Illustrated Man

married the Illustrated Woman.
Their first child was a Little Green Freeper.
Seismometers worldwide now confirm
that Mandisa Hundley was indeed
voted off American Idol.
Jesus said that "no man can serve two masters."
Well, this guy obviously doesn't read his Bible much.
According to the latest AP/Ipsos poll,
almost two-thirds of the American people
think the Bush Administration stinks.
Some industry analysts say this explains
why clothespin manufacturers are reporting
unprecedented demand for their product.
In China, the government says that only
bad Catholics have anything to fear from
anything said inside one of the new
Invisible Third Wall Confessional Booths.
After Tory leader David Cameron reproved,
rebuked, and exhorted "fruitcakes, loonies
and closet racists" in the UK Independence
Party, Ukip members parked a tank outside
the Conservative Party's spring conference in
Manchester, demanding an apology for the remarks.
Cameron didn't apologize, but he did join the
National Rifle Association of the UK.
Frank 'The Fox' Figueroa, former head of
Operation Predator and ICE special
henhouse guard, pleaded no contest Wednesday
to exposing himself to a 16-year-old girl
in an Orlando mall.
Dog Declassifying on Hot Rod
"There is a difference between declassifying and leaking.
When a reporter goes to the john, he leaks. When the
President goes, he declassifies."

Friday, April 07, 2006

Stephen Caracappa's career opened as
a detective in the NYPD. It closed as
a hit man for the mob. He could handle
the conviction for his criminal activity.
But what he couldn't handle were thesnide remarks about his overcoat.
Even Cinerama couldn't have captured
the enormity of Louis Eppolitto and his crimes,
the former NYPD detective who ended his
career as a hit man for the mob.
This is Professor Ward Churchill. From the right,
he looks like the offspring of an illicit relationship
between Godzilla and the Creature from the
Black Lagoon. From the left, he looks like a guy
who needs to get a haircut, lose some weight, and
wear a white sport coat with a pink carnation.
When David Horowitz spoke at the Academic Freedom
Conference, he was happy to see that his twin,
Ward Churchill, was fading out of the picture.

As the people of Iraq enter the Neoconservative Age,
we are reminded of the central paradox of human life,
namely, that religion is both the Elixir of Life and
the Draught of Death.
Yep, astronomers have discovered another goddammed
ring around Uranus. You just gotta scrub a little harder.
Even as a small boy, Scott McClellan honed the
skills he would use later as a spokesman for
President Bush.
If you've heard of Ben Shapiro, you're spending
too much time at the bottom of the food chain.
Chinese Big Brother

American Big Brother
Superman wears a cape. Batman wears a cape.
Captain Marvel wears a cape. Pope Benedict wears
a cape. But Bob Incredible doesn't wear a cape.
That's because he, unlike the other Superheroes, had
enough sense to get married. And Helen, his wife,
knows capes are impractical.
In a show of prestidigitation reminiscent of Harry
Houdini, the President proudly displays the panties
that, just moments before, had been worn by the
lady to his right.
"So what if I used sensitive intelligence data for
political gain! You shouldn't forget my guiding
principle is, 'What Would Nixon Do'?"
Hoe Fetishist Rush the Rake to Undergo
Full Frontal Limbaughtomy
Before you can say, "There's something wrong with
my Guidant Ventak Prism Automatic Implantable
Cardioverter Defibrillator system!", you die.
In this fragment from The Gospel of Judas,
George says to Scooter: "You will exceed
all of them. For you will sacrifice the man
that clothes me."
Meredith Vieira Blocks The View,
Looks Forward to Today

Thursday, April 06, 2006

In testimony before Congress today, Treasury
Secretary John Snow was optimistic about
everybody's job prospects, except his own.

As they planned their Three Stooges Revival
Tour, Joe, Bill, and John couldn't agree
on who would get to play Curly.
Nick Lampson, Democratic candidate for the House
seat vacated by Tom DeLay, tried to hold a press
conference today. Instead, he was mobbed by the
cast and crew of the new straight-to-video comedy,
Goon Squad.
Ehud Olmert's sweeping gesture knocked Shimon
Peres over like a tenpin.
Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman was miffed when
someone joked that dumping him--and not nuclear
waste--in Yucca Mountain would be a Win-Win proposition.
Ordered to wreck Nick Lampson's press conference this
morning, DeLay supporters started roaming the streets
like zombies straight out of Dawn of the Dead.

As this photo of Cardinal Francis George
shows, if you go without sex for too long,
you turn into a Conehead.
"That's quite a woodrow you got there,
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was
reluctant to shake hands with an Average Joe.
A Sign of the Times
When he discovered somebody had put Krazy Glue in
his chair, Mexico's President Vicente Fox was not amused.
Just seconds after this picture was taken,
the giant saucer abducted everyone in the room.

Who would've guessed that bumperstickers
were just a gateway to the really hard stuff?
Phil Spector was convicted today for
getting an outrageous blowjob.
10 SECONDS: The Pain Begins
15 SECONDS: You Can't Breathe
20 SECONDS: Your Head Explodes
There's a numpty in them thar hills!