Saturday, February 19, 2011

Not even God can change the truth.
"Are we in Wisconsin yet?"
"No, but we're getting closer."
"The shirt? It's from my Salvation Army Store collection."
Egyptian Tortoises Finally Recognized for Their Role in
Helping to Topple the Mubarak Regime
"I'm not only holier than thou,
I'm humbler than thou!"
Flag Desecration #42
"Do you have any idea how long I've waited to take revenge
on all those teachers who gave me C's in school?"
The First Thing You See When You Die and Go to
Ronald Reagan Heaven
Little Known Fact #12
Today is the 150th anniversary of Jefferson
Davis's inauguration as President of the
Tea Party States of America.
"If I have a government job and you don't, that must
mean I'm John Boehner and you're not. 
So be it, sucker!"
Funeral for Local Pigeon Being Unprotested by
the Westboro Baptist Church
On his home planet, Time's Alien of the
Year uses a different face and is known
as 'Putreep Hugwuffle'.
Have you met the new greeter at the Wal-Mart Insanitarium?
"Oh, no, it hurts so good I don't understand.
Heart beats heavy like a big bass drum,
I'm losing all equilibrium.
Infatuation - infatuation - infatuation."
Feds Drop Criminal Probe Against Angelo Mozilo
 for Impersonating the Mummy of Otzi the Iceman
The Unexpurgated Bible #48
"And then Isaac said unto Abraham his father, 'Explain
to me one more time how this is supposed to be a
shared sacrifice'.  I didn't get it the first time."
Glenn Beck Reveals Secret Headquarters of the
IslamoMarxist World Caliphate on Isle Royale
"If my Democratic colleagues in the House weren't
so arrogant, belligerent, dishonest, shameless, inept,
incompetent, hostile, petulant, and sophomoric, we
might get along just fine."
House Passes $60 Billion in Spending Cuts,
Tires of Masturbating,
Calls It a Day and Goes Home
"Sure, I was convicted on 12 counts of
 racketeering, money laundering, and
conspiracy.  But I don't think it would be
appropriate for me to be incarcerated in
 the Pennsylvania Child Care Detention
Center.  It costs at least $315 a day per
inmate over there, and I don't think
that would be a wise use of tax-
payer money in these tough times."
Senator DeMint couldn't tell if the rumbling sound he heard
was coming from the Muppet Lobby, or if it was just the
chimichanga he had eaten for lunch talking to him.
Being Bilingual May Ward Off Alzheimer's, But
Owingknay Igpay Atinlay Oesn'tday Ountcay
"Ray McGovern, I banish thee from this realm!  Take him
away, boys!"
North Korea announced today the merger of the Kim Jong-il
cult of personality with the Ronald Reagan cult of personality.
"This merger will be good for the two cults, as they will be
able to cut costs and better serve their members on a
global basis," said a spokesman for the Ronald Reagan
Presidential Foundation and Library in Simi Valley.

Friday, February 18, 2011

"No, baby, it's not 1955 and The Adventures of Ozzie and
Harriet isn't competing with us on primetime TV."
According to the Bible, only eight people were saved on
 the ark: Noah, his wife, his three sons---Shem, Ham, and
Japheth--and their wives. That's eight people. It  would be
fair to assume that these same eight people also built the
ark. (And keep in mind that Noah was 600 years old at
the time, with no Social Security). So, can you imagine
Noah and his family building the ark today, even with
$37 million in tax incentives from the state of Kentucky?
"Of course I oppose Planned Parenthood.  If it weren't for
unplanned parenthood, I wouldn't be here!"
"You may have seen my first film.  It was released in 1963
and was called The Saucy Aussie, with the tagline,  'Never
before anything this bold ... this daring!'  Righto, mate, those
were the days!  I didn't make much moolah back then, but it
was tits and ass, wall-to-wall!"
Recently-Declassified Photograph #23
Rush Limbaugh with His Mouth Closed
"Oh, hell yeah!  I'd love to bust the public employee unions
in Texas.  But we don't have any!"
Doctors Remove Knife from Rick Santorum's Head After
Four Years; "We Just Thought It Was His Nose,"
They Claim
"OK, here's my best offer. You give me back the $60 million I
spent out of my own pocket to buy the Florida governorship, 
and I'll offshore my crime operation to Grand Cayman."
"I was a liberal and didn't get any nookie, so I thought
I might have better luck as a conservative.  If this
doesn't work, I may try wearing a different hat."
Rude Rhymes #47

Aging Mussel

Debbie Schlussel
How would you like it if you were 'somebody' and close  
associates started saying of you, "He was manipulated
by Cheney"? Aren't you glad you're not 'somebody'?
The Minnesota governor had sent his personal wrecker
to assist Governor Walker in wrecking Wisconsin. But it
wrecked along the way. 
"If you want to know what I'm going to say next,
read the Wall Street Journal editorial page."
Sun, Boiling with Rage, Emits Largest Solar Flare in Four Years
Sadly, Governor Tea-Paw Bridgefail didn't
 know a loon was nesting in his right nostril.
"Thank you, Dr. Bieber, for sharing with
us your Canadian perspective on the
topic of abortion."
"I want to be compensated," says Silvio's underage squeeze, 
"for having been hurt so much. And all the golddigging in the
world would not be enough!"
"In your opinion, Ms. Palin, what path should
the nation follow toward job creation?  And,
 oh, by the way, your hemline complements
your Carrie Bradshaw-style leopard-print
heels quite nicely!"
"Obama's birth certificate is distracting. It gets annoying.
Let’s stick with what really matters:  breastfeeding!"
White House to Be Certified 'Intern-Free' Before
Anticipated March 5 Government Shutdown
Great Misadventures in Science #5
Wrong Patient Gets Kidney Stone Transplant
at USC Hospital
Team Builds Anti-Taser That 'Reverses the Charges'

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Kentucky County Gives Smoking
Finger to Restaurant and Bar
Tobacco Ban
Warm Scuzzies #146
John Woods
Law & Order
Special Police Brutality Unit
                   Wednesdays 10/9c