Capitalizing on her experience as Jane Parker

in Tarzan, the Ape Man, Bo Derek has agreed

to serve as special envoy to the Secretary of

State for Wildlife Trafficking Issues. Bo's fans

were disappointed, however, when they learned

she will play her new role fully clothed.

Toreador Cracks Under the Strain of So Much Bullshit

An anonymous tip has led to the arrest of the guy who

rolled these joints. As it turns out, he's a baseball player.

On American greenbacks, we see "In God We Trust."

That's a misprint. It should be "In Gold We Trust."

Sanitation Engineer Gears Up for Battle

Ingenious Poles Find Way to Serve God and Mammon

at the Same Time

This is a model. Of what is not exactly clear.

Now Hef was old and stricken in years;

and they covered him with Paris Hilton,

but he gat no heat.

Claiming to be a doctor, Philip Winikoff went

door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering

free breast exams. He has been charged with

sexually assaulting two women who accepted

the offer.

Disguised as an arctic fox, a Mexican

Hairless tried to enter the U. S. at Juárez

yesterday. But an alert Border Patrol agent

foiled the attempt when he checked the dog's

tag and saw that its name was Xoloitzquintle.

IFCO Systems North America, a pallet recycler

headquartered in Houston, Texas, made $120

million in profits last year, largely on the

backs of illegal immigrants.

As a reward for working hard at substandard wages,

more than 1,100 of these illegals have been arrested

and are being processed for deportation.

When the Richest Man in the World tells a joke,

even the President of China laughs.

"Yes, it would be fair to say that the most informative

statement I ever made as press secretary I made today

when I said, 'I resign'."

"Freeze! This is a stickup! Do as I say,

and nobody gets hurt."

President Bush Puts the Pinch on President Hu,

Stops Him from Cutting in Line

Bowing to pressure from both within and without Iraq,

Ibrahim al-Jaafari has been persuaded that he is just

too goddamned ugly to continue as Prime Minister.

Joel Kaplan has just been named

domestic policy advisor to President

Bush, taking over for Karl Rove.

In November 2000, he proudly participated

in the 'Brooks Brothers Riot' to stop the

Florida recount.

He's a real prick, but he shouldn't be confused

with the inventor of the Joel Kaplan Penis Pump.

His career finished on Wall Street, Gordon Gekko

changed his name to Michael Douglas, styled his

hair and beard according to Sir Walter Scott, and

headed to Scotland for an honorary degree and a

round of golf.

For someone who doesn't own any, Senator

Charles Grassley sure spends a lot of time

talking about 'intellectual property'.

After attacking six people, this cat from Connecticut

has been placed under a restraining order. Victims

report that this otherwise docile creature becomes

a wildcat when it hears someone say, "Joementum."

At age 62, Janise Wulf, a great-grandmother, gave birth to her

12th child in February. Asked if this would be her last, Mrs.

Wulf replied, "Not if my husband keeps singing that Kinky

Friedman tune, 'Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your

Buns in the Bed'."

As Scott McClellan made his resignation announcement,

the President thought, "This guy has been a better

unspokesman for me than Ari ever was."

"Did you know Laura and I play Chinese Checkers

almost every night?"

Some mischievous prankster has been hanging

this sign outside the offices of Republican

lawmakers in Washington, D. C.

If you never quite got the hang of Einstein's

General Theory of Relativity, take heart. NASA

scientists have used a supercomputer to create

this visual version of the theory. Everyone seems

to agree this clears up a lot of things.

Yesterday, Italy's new president displayed his skill with

hand shadows by making a very realistic Peter Rabbit.

Do you think if Henry David Thoreau were alive

today, he would write, "The mass of men lead

lives of quiet desperation"?

"I, Rupert Murdoch, intend to fist Mother Earth,

if it's the last thing I ever do."

Didn't you see the warning about not staring

at this group of Chinese tourists in Beijing? Well,

it's too late now. Your picture has now been added

to the People's Republic of China database of

foreign nationals who don't wear surgical masks

when they visit the Forbidden City.

Someone has condensed everything Scott McClellan

said to reporters over the past couple of years into just

two words: "Bite Me!"

In an unguarded moment, Michelle Malkin

demonstrated the acupressure technique

she uses to keep her husband happy.

Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper,

Discomfited by Young Leftist

The government of Iran has just revealed the

latest in weapons technology: a one-man airsub.

David Finkel, reporter for The

Washington Post, doesn't drink,

doesn't smoke, doesn't cuss, and made

A+ in his Anger Management course.

Earlier today, President Bush expressed

concern about a dangerous vacuum in Iraq.

David Oreck denies it's the one he sells.

Andrew Card is gone and Scott McClellan

is gone. When the man in the middle goes,

we will have hit the trifecta.

This is the only picture of Michelle Malkin's

husband known to exist in the public

domain. In 1991, a photographer tried

to take his picture, but Jesse physically

assaulted, then threatened to kill him.

Photographers have kept their distance

ever since.

A place was set for you when Bill and Melinda Gates

had the president of China over for dinner. Why

didn't you show up?

After all the passengers had boarded for the flight out

of Rio de Janeiro, it was obvious that Rush Limbaugh

shouldn't have been seated in the rear of the plane.

In Afghanistan, flying goldfish are trapped in water-filled

plastic bags. They are then sold as pets to the Taliban who,

in turn, train them to keep watch over their poppy

plantations. That's when American CIA agents swallow them

and swear to God that they have never heard of Valerie

Plame and wouldn't know Scooter Libby even if his

picture appeared on the front page of The Washington Post.

John Negroponte is now Director of National

Intelligence for the United States. If he has as

many brain cells inside his head as he does hairs

outside his head, our nation is in deep doo-doo.

No matter how hard he tried to disguise

himself as an average blue-collar guy,

people still recognized Bill O'Reilly

as the most obnoxious white-collar

throwback on TV.

In the xenophobic myth of creation, this is Eva,

the Mexican-American female who ate the forbidden

fruit and condemned us all to multiculturalism.

Contrary to popular belief, King Kong

did NOT die in a fall from atop the Empire

State Building. No, this supersimian completely

fooled the Hollywood moviemakers, and has

returned to his life of leisure in a gated community

on an island, somewhere in the South Pacific.

Q: What do you get when President No. 41

walks side-by-side with President No. 43?

A: Double Trouble without Stevie Ray Vaughan.

As you plan your next vacation to Hawaii, please be

advised that some of the beaches there have been closed

because of all the Republican corruption washing ashore

from the mainland.

Nicknamed OVP (short for Office of the Vice President),

this is not your ordinary street monkey. What sets it

apart from the others is that it is highly secretive and is

never seen in public without its symbolic yellow coat.