Saturday, September 06, 2008

In the days of old, people pretended to resolve their
differences peacefully. Now they don't even pretend.
The Pentagon is urging no more troop drawdowns in Iraq.
Is this because (1) the surge has been too successful, (2)
the war is being won too quickly, or (3) American soldiers
are totally committed to the upcoming Baghdad Cyclo-Cross?
Sometimes John McCain is so white he has to
wear cammies just to be seen.
"Please help me I'm fal-ling in lo-ove with you."
GOP Base Revolts, Dumps McCain from Republican Ticket;
Trace Adkins to be Sarah Palin's Vice Presidential Running Mate
Gaddafi looked completely disarmed after his 'Darling Black
African Woman' dismantled his Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Republican National Convention Gives Chilly
Reception to Popular Bush Tribute Band
World's Worst Yobs #47
Donny Deutsch
Lonely Teleprompter Wonders, "Where's Sarah?"
Looking for Sarah Palin? Isn't everybody? Well, she's
hiding somewhere behind this stone wall.
Using the logic the New Yorker editors employed in defense of its
Obama cover in July, this cover isn't a satire of John McCain;
it's a satire of the 'dark imaginings' of John McCain's opponents.
Muammar 'Mad Dog' Gadaffi Meets Condoleezza 'Dirty' Rice
When asked what she meant when she said,
"So Sambo beat the bitch," Governor Palin
said she was speaking in tongues at the time
and only those with the gift of tongues could
understand what she meant.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Star of Spore Breaks Ranks with Producer, Affirms
Intelligent Design, Rejects Evolutionary Premise
of New Video Game
Remember the good old days when the truth about Republican
ne'er-do-wells was uncovered by the Washington Post and the
New York Times?
It really didn't matter that Levi's 'Promise Ring' was
a press-on tattoo he found in a box of Cap'n Crunch.
He only needed it until the day after the election.
Who Is Scarier?

Hannibal Lector


His Wife?
In a move designed to shake up the 2008 presidential race even
further, the Obama campaign has announced it is dropping Joe
Biden from the ticket in favor of the Boop-Boop-a-Doop Twins,
who are expected to have a broad appeal to working-class voters
in both Red States and Blue States.
"Don't let me hear you say, 'We have to catch up to history', ever
again! You're a giraffe and giraffes are smarter than that!"
Killer Pacman

gobbles another unwary Google user.
"Why is Bob Woodward always pickin' on me?"
"Hellfire and damnation, son, why do you think
we call her the Drilla from Wasilla?"
"Valley girl
She's a valley girl
Valley girl
She's a valley girl
Okay, fine...
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a valley girl
In a clothing store
Okay, fine...
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a valley girl."
Phyllis Schlafly as a Young Woman

Phyllis Schlafly as an Old Woman
Think of it: put some lipstick on this sucker and it could
be the next Vice President of the United States!
Palin supporters are claiming that 10,000 subscribers have
cancelled their subscriptions to Us Weekly because of its
unflattering portrayal of the vice presidential nominee.
This should lay to rest, once and for all, the elitist notion
that Palindrones can't read!
"It's a great day, Sarah, when I wake up with a woody!"

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Meet Minneapolis: Off the Couch and On the Move
Representative Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA) Calls
Obama 'Uppity', Palin 'Downity'
After focus groups and internal polling showed a very positive
response to the cast on Cindy's arm, John decided to wear a
Full Body Sympathy Cast for the remainder of the 2008
presidential campaign.
If the day comes--and it surely must--that the Republican Party
changes its name to the White Party, Cindy McCain will no doubt be
one of the top contenders for her party's presidential nomination.
No Republican will be napping tonight during John McCain's
acceptance speech, especially those living in Wasilla, the
Meth Capital of Alaska.
John McCain keeps his 'Secret Plan' to capture Osama
bin Laden inside this safe, which is located in one of his
ten houses. He promises to reveal his secret plan, but only
if he is elected President of the United States. This is the
same safe, by the way, Richard Nixon used in 1968 to
secure his 'Secret Plan' to end the Vietnam War.
World's Worst Yobs #46
Jim Quinn
"Mildred, it says here that a 'Gimcrack' is 'a showy but useless
or worthless object; a gewgaw'. You don't suppose they were
thinking of Ms. Palin when they wrote this definition, do you?"
New, Improved Bumpersticker for
Republican-Owned SUVs
First there was Debbie Does Dallas. Now there's
Sarah Does St. Paul.

Rudy Giuliani tries to scare America. Scares himself instead.
Strom Thurmond of the Arctic Circle Meets the
Pit Bull with Lipstick
If Trig Palin could speak, what do you think he might say about
being used as a stage prop at the Republican National Convention?
After feeding some lions to the Christians at the Xcel Center,
Sarah Barracuda posed momentarily in front of her Stang,
and then roared off in search of the fabled Bull Moose.
Hillary Goes into Shock After Being Wildly Applauded
at the Republican National Convention

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

"Let’s be fair. To some extent, we’ve got to give President Bush
his due. Iraq now seems to be a quasi-functioning democracy
without weapons of mass destruction, even though it never had
any WMD in the first place."
If you've been dreaming of time travel back to 1984 and living
in a police state, you might want to consider the Minneapolis/St.
Paul area, where real estate prices are, according to local
detainees, quite reasonable.
On the Angry Right, George Bush was angry at the Angry Left.
He was even angrier that nobody, except Fearguth, noticed he
was angry.
"Thanks to you, kid, millions and millions of teenagers
across America are going to learn what their parents
and grandparents already know: that all this talk
about 'saving yourself for marriage' is a crock of shit."
"Brad and Angelina are getting old, kid. Stick with me
and I'll take you to the top!"