Saturday, August 12, 2006

The soldier was told that smoking would kill him before he
reached old age. He replied that he was John McClane and
that before he quit smoking, he was going to wipe out
Hezbollah in his new movie, Die Hard IV: Muslim
Fascists Finally Meet Their Match.
Having failed to misrepresent their opponents by means of the
Fallacy of the Straw Man, neoconservatives are now trying
to save their bacon with the Fallacy of the Straw Pig.
Little Big Man Lamont knew if Big Head Lieberman ever
caught him, he was going to get the beating of his life. But that
wasn't going to happen because Little Big Man Lamont was
fleet of foot and his pursuer Big Head Lieberman was
morally obligated to one of his campaign contributors
to wear Quikrete Commercial Grade Cement Shoes.
When the surface of our planet is nothing more than a mosaic
of cracked earth, Republican James Inhofe will still be hauling
ass in a dune buggy, singing his biggest hit, 'Pimp My Ride,
Big Oil, Pimp My Ride'.
At first, the Orange Alert had two legs to stand on.

Then it had one.
Then it had none.
World's Worst Jobs #2
Iraqi Salt Shoveller
Psicobloc is a type of rock climbing sans ropes, but, at least
so far, not sans water to cushion your fall. One of these days,
however, there will no doubt be psychobloc climbing, sans
ropes and sans water. Then when you fall, someone will use
a Swiffer WetJet to clean up the mess.
Cauliflower McPugg Demonstrates His Trademark Punch,
the Right Double Cross
Neoconservatives have been shitting so many bricks over
Joe Lieberman's defeat in the Connecticut Democratic
primary that hod carriers are working overtime trying to
keep them neatly stacked.
Aeronautic Policeman On the Lookout for Terrorists
Disguised as Avon Ladies
This sculptor's artistic medium is butter. Here he is
at work on his latest creation, entitled 'Mother, Calf,
and Pussycat Refusing to Laugh at Fat Jokes'.
Israel Purchases M26 Rockets from US with Money from US
Birdwatching in time of war is risky but rewarding.
Beachcombers Find Rare Sea Horses, Complete with Jockeys

Friday, August 11, 2006

Daniela Hantuchova Introduces Revolutionary
Headless Tennis Racquet and Invisible Ball
"Stick my head in the sand? Get serious! I stopped doing
that when I moved on to greener pastures years ago."
Bull Exposed As Code Pink Interloper
This is the pipeline that carries money from the pocketbooks
of millions of Americans to the vaults of British Petroleum.
 Recently, it became clogged and had to be temporarily shut 
down when too many dollars tried to flow through at the
 same time.
When President Bush couldn't bend steel with his bare
hands, the machinist knew he was dealing with another
Superman imposter.
"Think of it! I'm the fourth sitting Senator to lose a
primary election since 1980. I ask you: who else can make
that claim? Nobody!"
Members of Giraffes Unlimited offer this photograph
as proof that the bag limit needs to be raised.
Former Home of Republican Sugar Daddy,
Tom 'Carry Me Back to Old Virginny' DeLay
Svetlana Pospelova, Russia's Best Hope in This Year's
Gothenburg Face-Slapping Championship
Fan at This Year's Wonder Warthog Convention
The Philippine soldiers were so perfectly camouflaged
they took the protester completely by surprise.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Even though he was only four years old at the time,
Jacob Weisberg was already a jackass in 1968, the
year he first mocked the opponents of war.
This is 'The Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton:
the First Woman President of the United States of America'.
This statue now sits in the Museum of Sex in New York City.
The subject of this work of art now sits in the Senate of the
United States in Washington, DC. So much sitting only
encourages gravity to take its toll.
Regardless of what happens between now and November,
Joe Lieberman has to live with this fact: fifty-two percent of
the voters in the Connecticut Democratic Primary rejected him.
With an ego as big as his, that fact must be hard to live with.
"Joe, is that George Bush I smell on your breath?"
"My John Thomas, when fully extended, is only about
this long. But don't let the length fool you. As I learned
years ago, in the Land of Dickless Democrats, the
 Republican with a two-inch Johnson is king."
Accustomed to the cool, dry air of the Andes,
the llama wondered what the deuce it was
doing in the Piney Woods of East Texas in August.
Some 500,000 bikers showed up in Sturgis, South Dakota,
for the 2006 Black Hills Motor Classic. It was so quiet you
could almost hear an atom bomb drop.
On days that seem almost mild, the passenger compartment of a
car can turn into an oven, especially if you live in the Middle East.
This picture has been photoshopped to make it look
like a Lebanese woman with her two children walking
past a crater on the moon. We know of course they are
really walking on the same movie set in the Nevada
desert used to produce fake pictures of the so-called
'moon landing' in 1969.
Sunflower on Bush Ranch Speaks Out
"Global warming? Bring it on!"
The swimmer was warned that acid rain had turned
the water in the pool into a universal solvent. But she
jumped in anyway.
Santa Claus showed up a week early, muttering
something about swapping Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer for the star of Racing Stripes.
Lieberman Supporters Dogged by Lamont Shadow Warriors
We now know the fate of the peace dove. It was
offered as a sacrifice for the recovery of Fidel Castro.
Pope Benedict Climbs the Stairway to Heaven

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Joe Lieberman Fires His Entire Staff for Mistaking
Him for a Democrat
Before the unfortunate incident at second base, he was known
as 'Handsome Hank'. Now his teammates refer to him as
'Old What's-His-Face'.
"Ooooweee! Next week on Reality Remix, the
Commander-in-Chief will be busted to buck private
and assigned to latrine duty until the Battle of
Armageddon or until the sun dies, whichever
comes first."
Condoms to Go is now featuring the Trojan Nun
Total Body Prophylactic.
The driver has confirmed he had been following
the Bush Administration's Roadmap to Peace
in the Middle East when the bus overturned
in a bomb crater that wasn't on the map.

When Adam discovered the serpent could talk,
he wondered if he was the first to know.
Chopped Liverman
En masse, naked human bodies look like
writhing mealworms in a bird feeder.