The soldier was told that smoking would kill him before he

reached old age. He replied that he was John McClane and

that before he quit smoking, he was going to wipe out

Hezbollah in his new movie, Die Hard IV: Muslim
Fascists Finally Meet Their Match.

Having failed to misrepresent their opponents by means of the

Fallacy of the Straw Man, neoconservatives are now trying

to save their bacon with the Fallacy of the Straw Pig.

Little Big Man Lamont knew if Big Head Lieberman ever

caught him, he was going to get the beating of his life. But that

wasn't going to happen because Little Big Man Lamont was

fleet of foot and his pursuer Big Head Lieberman was

morally obligated to one of his campaign contributors

to wear Quikrete Commercial Grade Cement Shoes.

When the surface of our planet is nothing more than a mosaic

of cracked earth, Republican James Inhofe will still be hauling

ass in a dune buggy, singing his biggest hit, 'Pimp My Ride,

Big Oil, Pimp My Ride'.

At first, the Orange Alert had two legs to stand on.

Then it had one.

Then it had none.

World's Worst Jobs #2

Iraqi Salt Shoveller

Psicobloc is a type of rock climbing sans ropes, but, at least

so far, not sans water to cushion your fall. One of these days,

however, there will no doubt be psychobloc climbing, sans

ropes and sans water. Then when you fall, someone will use

a Swiffer WetJet to clean up the mess.

Cauliflower McPugg Demonstrates His Trademark Punch,

the Right Double Cross

Neoconservatives have been shitting so many bricks over

Joe Lieberman's defeat in the Connecticut Democratic

primary that hod carriers are working overtime trying to

keep them neatly stacked.

Aeronautic Policeman On the Lookout for Terrorists

Disguised as Avon Ladies

This sculptor's artistic medium is butter. Here he is

at work on his latest creation, entitled 'Mother, Calf,

and Pussycat Refusing to Laugh at Fat Jokes'.

Israel Purchases M26 Rockets from US with Money from US

Birdwatching in time of war is risky but rewarding.

Beachcombers Find Rare Sea Horses, Complete with Jockeys

Daniela Hantuchova Introduces Revolutionary

Headless Tennis Racquet and Invisible Ball

"Stick my head in the sand? Get serious! I stopped doing

that when I moved on to greener pastures years ago."

Bull Exposed As Code Pink Interloper

This is the pipeline that carries money from the pocketbooks of

millions of Americans to the vaults of British Petroleum. Recently,

it became clogged and had to be temporarily shut down when too

many dollars tried to flow through at the same time.

When President Bush couldn't bend steel with his bare

hands, the machinist knew he was dealing with another

Superman imposter.

"Think of it! I'm the fourth sitting Senator to lose a

primary election since 1980. I ask you: who else can make

that claim? Nobody!"

Members of Giraffes Unlimited offer this photograph

as proof that the bag limit needs to be raised.

Former Home of Republican Sugar Daddy,

Tom 'Carry Me Back to Old Virginny' DeLay

Svetlana Pospelova, Russia's Best Hope in This Year's

Gothenburg Face-Slapping Championship

Fan at This Year's Wonder Warthog Convention

The Philippine soldiers were so perfectly camouflaged

they took the protester completely by surprise.

Even though he was only four years old at the time,

Jacob Weisberg was already a jackass in 1968, the

year he first mocked the opponents of war.

This is 'The Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton:

the First Woman President of the United States of America'.

This statue now sits in the Museum of Sex in New York City.

The subject of this work of art now sits in the Senate of the

United States in Washington, DC. So much sitting only

encourages gravity to take its toll.

Regardless of what happens between now and November,

Joe Lieberman has to live with this fact: fifty-two percent of

the voters in the Connecticut Democratic Primary rejected him.

With an ego as big as his, that fact must be hard to live with.

"Joe, is that George Bush I smell on your breath?"

"My John Thomas, when fully extended, is only about

this long. But don't let the length fool you. As I learned

years ago, in the Land of Dickless Democrats, the Republican

with a two-inch Johnson is king."

Accustomed to the cool, dry air of the Andes,

the llama wondered what the deuce it was

doing in the Piney Woods of East Texas in August.

Some 500,000 bikers showed up in Sturgis, South Dakota,

for the 2006 Black Hills Motor Classic. It was so quiet you

could almost hear an atom bomb drop.

On days that seem almost mild, the passenger compartment of a

car can turn into an oven, especially if you live in the Middle East.

This picture has been photoshopped to make it look

like a Lebanese woman with her two children walking

past a crater on the moon. We know of course they are

really walking on the same movie set in the Nevada

desert used to produce fake pictures of the so-called

'moon landing' in 1969.

Sunflower on Bush Ranch Speaks Out

"Global warming? Bring it on!"

The swimmer was warned that acid rain had turned

the water in the pool into a universal solvent. But she

jumped in anyway.

Santa Claus showed up a week early, muttering

something about swapping Rudolph the Red-Nosed

Reindeer for the star of Racing Stripes.

Lieberman Supporters Dogged by Lamont Shadow Warriors

We now know the fate of the peace dove. It was

offered as a sacrifice for the recovery of Fidel Castro.

Pope Benedict Climbs the Stairway to Heaven

Joe Lieberman Fires His Entire Staff for Mistaking

Him for a Democrat

Before the unfortunate incident at second base, he was known

as 'Handsome Hank'. Now his teammates refer to him as

'Old What's-His-Face'.

"Ooooweee! Next week on Reality Remix, the

Commander-in-Chief will be busted to buck private

and assigned to latrine duty until the Battle of

Armageddon or until the sun dies, whichever

comes first."

Condoms to Go is now featuring the Trojan Nun

Total Body Prophylactic.

The driver has confirmed he had been following

the Bush Administration's Roadmap to Peace

in the Middle East when the bus overturned

in a bomb crater that wasn't on the map.

When Adam discovered the serpent could talk,

he wondered if he was the first to know.

Chopped Liverman

En masse, naked human bodies look like

writhing mealworms in a bird feeder.