Saturday, December 19, 2009

'Dead Parrot Sketch' a Smash Hit

'Dead Flamingo Sketch' Less Successful
If the water in your toilet looked like this, you would
call a plumber. In Mexico City, this is the water that
comes out of the kitchen faucet for millions of poor
residents. And even if there were plumbers to call,
they couldn't afford to call them. And even if they
could afford to call them, it wouldn't make any
Global Warming Exacts Heavy Toll on Delegates
to Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen
No matter how hard you paddled, you could not get past
the fact that Tiger Woods's errant balls were everywhere.
Goose Claims Eye Taken 'Out of Context'
"When is non-consensual sex rape?" What a strange
question! Isn't that like asking, "When is non-
consensual suicide murder?"
The real reason for the 'surge' of 30,000 more
American troops into the Afghanistan War
has finally emerged: it's so Afghani men can
have enough free time to safely stand around
and watch their cocks fight each other.
Despite his appearance at the Climate Change Conference
in Copenhagen yesterday, Europeans still believe that
Senator James Inhofe is a hoax perpetrated by the
imaginary Sooners of the mythical State of Oklahoma.
As a general rule, vertical power is
perpendicular to horizontal weakness.
The problem with the United States Senate is that
it has one hundred too many Senators in it.
World's Worst Yoobs #61
Sher Zieve
Karzai Unveils New Cabinet
Bad Spellers of the World, UNTIE! #96
Things That Make Your Skin Crawl #5
John McCain's Smile
It is easier for an Oscar to pass through the eye
of a needle than it is for a schmuck to enjoy the
Sixteenth Day of Zappadan.
Just to be on the safe side, he only used analogies
comparing everything in the world he didn't like
to either Neville Chamberlain, Adolph Hitler,
or the Holocaust.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Nelson Huddling with Reid and Schumer
Sarah Cuts Vacation Short Because Incognito
Attempt Foiled by Todd's Outrageous Swimsuit
Two stars of the I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here television
show have been charged with animal cruelty after allegedly
cooking Hot Rats to eat during filming.
Bad Spellers of the World, UNTIE! #95
Expect the unexpected on the Fifteenth Day of Zappadan.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

"The fog comes on little cat feet.
Hit 'em high, hit 'em low!

Go, Sandburg, go!"
U. S. Chamber of Commerce Says, "Fight Health-Care
Reform and Win a Free Trip Back in Time to Stone
Age Hooters!"
"Parade rest!"
Was it the smile, the bayonet, or the combination
of the two that convinced you to surrender?
"Uh, pardon me, Mr. President, but did you remember to
anoint your lips with Curel before kissing the Holy Koran?"
"We were looking for some of that new camouflage
fabric that doesn't just hide our bodies, but makes
them virtually invisible."
Archaeologists Unearth Rare War on Christmas
Poster Dating from the First Century A.D.
Where Contributions to Political Parties Go
There are two kinds of hairpieces: those that have
spent time behind bars, like Jim Traficant's,

and those that should, like Ben Nelson's.
Bad Spellers of the World, UNTIE! #94
"Lock the cellar door, Tom Friedman, and talk dirty to me!"
Oxymorons for Our Time #19
Common-Sense Solutions

"Ben Bernanke failed to recognize or remedy the factors
that paved the road to this dark and difficult recession.
Following our economic collapse, it is also apparent
that he has not changed his overall approach to
prioritizing Wall Street over American families.
That's why he richly deserves to be named Time's
'Person of the Year'."
In case you're wondering, he's headed for the
Fourteenth Day of Zappadan.
Flag Desecration #27
First there were memes. Then there were books about
memes. Then there were guidebooks to the best books
about memes. Then there were handbooks to the best
guidebooks to the best books about memes.
Then there were . . .

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"Who ordered the Trey Easton, large
iced tea,
cheeseburger and fries?"
Ben Bernanke Named 'Bankster of the Year';
Tiger Woods Named 'Sexual Athlete of the Year';
Papuan Tribesman Named 'Body Piercer of the Year'
"Let me explain it this way, Senator.
My last name is spelled Crāpo, and that
little horizontal line above the a is called
a macron. It means the a is long and
that my last name is pronounced
Cray-po, not Crap-o. Got that?"
Anything so big it takes an Airbus A400M to transport
it would probably do the world less harm by staying
at home on the ground.
"Do I look like somebody who would bullshit you?"

'Green' vibrators, like the hand-cranked Earth Angel
(shown here), promise sustainable pleasure and are
reportedly very popular at the environmental summit
now underway in Copenhagen.

Dow Plunges Just for the Hell of It
Warm Scuzzies #46
Brett Mecum
Senator Lieberman had once again forgotten where
he was supposed to drop off his urine specimen.
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