Saturday, October 04, 2008

Sarah Palin has been sleeping with a secessionist
for years and has five kids to prove it.
Palin Around with an Errorist
If you see little Starbursts coming through your computer
screen right now, it's a perfectly normal experience and
doesn't mean you are suffering from autoerotism,
like Rich Lowry.
The recent discovery of Palinese brings the total number of
languages in the world to 4,501.
For an instant, O. J. thought he heard the voice of Howard
Cosell. But then he remembered that his co-host on Monday
Night Football had been dead since 1995, the same year he
had been cast in the starring role of the infamous 'Trial of
the Century'.
All those years of running through airports
had finally caught up with the Juice.
Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied, Except in O. J.'s Case
Unimpressed by his Charles Atlas impersonation, the jury
found O. J. guilty on twelve counts of armed robbery
and kidnapping.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Sarah Palin All Set to Reveal Her 'October Surprise'
"Hey, America! Did you notice my flag pin is three times
bigger than Senator Biden's? And, doggone it, how do you
like the way my winks are making American males sit up a
little straighter on the couch? And what about my smile?
Isn't it sparkling and mesmerizing? Can't you just see little
starbursts coming through your TV screen and ricocheting
around the room right now? Debates are so awesome,
aren't they?"
If you still had the special plastic screen and your magic
crayons, you could have relived some of your favorite
moments of Winky Dink and You during last night's
vice-presidential debate.
"No, no, Little Sarah, it's not 'You Betcha!'
It's 'You Betchum, Red Ryder!'"
Gwen Ifill: "What is your Achilles Heel, Governor Palin? What
is it for you, Senator Biden? Start with you, governor."
Sarah Palin: "'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."
Gwen Ifill: "Thank you, Governor Palin. Senator Biden?
"Here's the deal. Write a pro-McCain piece and you get two
bags of chips. Write a balanced McCain piece and you get
one. Write an anti-McCain piece and we throw you out of
the plane at 30,000 feet."
Victoria was disappointed to learn that Michelle Malkin's
reaction to the vice-presidential debate was 'Sarah Rocks!'

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Nobody comes close to John McCain's impression
of a 'Low Information Voter'.
'Lardon' (rhymes with 'hard-on') is a strip of stiffened
pork inserted into a piece of tough meat to make it more
tender, easier to chew, and less difficult to swallow. That's
what the Senate leadership used to get the financial rescue
package passed 74-25.
If they ever hold a Mr. Alaska contest, Ted Stevens will be
the winner, hands down. Nobody represents that Welfare
State better than he does. Nobody.
Governor of Alaska Near the Top of Latest
Drudge Report Daily Tracking Pole
If you are planning to watch the vice presidential debate
tonight, the most important thing to remember is this:
Snoring Kills!
As it grew older, the bird would have gladly traded its
reputation as a hard-partyin' night owl for a good
night's sleep.
What's up with female conservatives

and red pumps?
Confidence Man
"Where do you go to school?"
"Southern Methodist University. You know, the
school with a library built in honor of the most
unpopular President in American history."
"Oh, that SMU."
There was a simple explanation for the puzzling expression
on John McCain's face. He was looking at


Sarah Sixpack and her husband made a quarter of a million
dollars last year. That's five times the median household
income of the 7,000 residents of Wasilla. Sarah Sixpack
and her husband live in a custom-built, half-million-dollar
house, worth three times the average value of the other
houses in Wasilla. That's not PBR in Sarah's sixpack.
That's Stella Artois.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Word on the street is that when she is asked a question
she doesn't want to answer in the vice presidential debate,
Sarah Palin will pull out her flute and play a few measures
from 'The Homecoming', the number she performed at the
Miss Alaska talent competition in 1984.
Someone needs to ask the Governor of Alaska, "Sarah, do
you remember the day when you chose to be a heterosexual?
And what arguments on that day did you find the most
persuasive in making your decision?"
Q: "Why is Sarah taking so long in the restroom?"
A: "She's catching up on the nation's 1,452 daily newspapers.
She reads all of them, you know."
What's Willow Palin doing on the campaign trail in Ohio?
Shouldn't a thirteen-year-old girl be in school right now?
After his success in bringing back the real Lazarus,
Jesus turned his attention to John McCain.
Asked whether he's always been covered by government
health insurance, John McCain replied, "I've never been
an astronaut but I know the challenges of space." And
then he lifted off.
Herd Mentality Rules in Financial Crisis
Strong Bad McCain says: "If I were dictator, which
I always aspire to be."

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Will cat food be available in Post-Apocalypse America? If not,
what would this portend for the future of cat blogging?
Another twenty-five American soldiers died in Iraq
in September. That brings the total number of American
soldiers who have been killed and won't be able to join
John McCain in celebrating America's victory in the Iraq
War to 4,176. Their Hip-Hip-Hoorays will definitely
be missed.
"As we waddle along through life, my webfooted friends,
let us never forget the Seven Stages of Grief: (1) Egg,
(2) Duckling, (3) Daffy Duck, (4) Lame Duck, (5) Dead
Duck, (6) Duck Soup, and (7) George Bush."
Main Street America Angry Over Credit Crisis;
Residents Blame Walt Disney, Norman Rockwell,
President Eisenhower
“What I am saying to you now has not been said by any Israeli
leader before me. The time has come to say these things. First,
George Bush is a political eunuch. Second, I quit!”
"Ayeee! Someone stole my Ding-a-Ling!"
If it's beer hoisting and bosom heaving you seek,
why not take time out for Oktoberfest?
For most people, there's a difference between 'questions' and
'gotcha questions'. But not Sarah Palin. To her, all questions
are 'gotcha questions'.
Bank Collapses Under the Weight of Exceptionally Silly Name
President Showing Symptoms of Hooveritis Recumbens
Bar Lowered for Vice-Presidential Debate
The only Supreme Court decision Sarah Palin knows by name
is Roe v. Wade. One might think she would also know Bush v.
Gore, the decision that got us into the mess she's now 
promising to rescue us from.
Dusty Foggo, former Executive Director of the CIA,
has copped a plea. In exchange for pleading guilty
to one charge of wire fraud, 27 other counts against
him were dropped. As an avid poker player, Dusty
always knew when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Dow Loses 777 Points After Vote;
Loss Hailed by Matt Drudge as the Luckiest
Stock Market Plunge Ever;
Karl Rove Does the Numerology, Predicts
Republican Landslide in November