Saturday, September 09, 2006

Don't think for a moment that the space shuttle
is subject to any sort of speed limit.

No, it's those gopher tortoises
NASA is trying to slow down.

They picked up Pharaoh Ramses II

and moved him to a very noisy neighborhood.
That's when he finally got fed up and shouted,
"Goddammit! Move me to Giza where I can get some
peace and quiet!"
Stephen Harper, Canada's Prime Minister,
says his experience playing fireman as a
child makes him well qualified to play
fireman as an adult.
As the apartment high-rises in China have gone up,
the rivers in China have gone down. How many thirsty
Chinese will it take before the most populous nation
on earth uses its economic clout to purchase the water
rights to the Amazon River, which holds more than
one-fifth of all the fresh water on Earth?
Other than the smell, the world finger-pulling
championship is quite enjoyable.
Like the zipper and velcro, the comb is a marvelous
invention. Jack White, however, swears he's never
seen one.
Chancellor Merkel has something President Bush doesn't:
her very own private U-boat.
Israeli Soldier About to Be Ambushed by
Blindfolded and Handcuffed Palestinian
After John Howard, Director of the National Institute
for Occupational Health, Centers for Disease Control
and Prevention of the Department of Health and
Human Services, introduced himself to the U.S. House
Subcommittee on National Security, Emerging Threats and
International Relations, there wasn't enough time left at the
hearing to ask him where he found the orange moustache.
If you are thinking about assaulting a political
opponent, don't forget your water bottle.
General MacArthur After Another Successful Landing
in Inchon Harbor
Afghan Youth Fan of Funeral Home Fan
Tajikistani Leaf Blowers
It looked like the end for Taiwan's President Chen Shui-bian.
But, at the last moment, he whipped out his Capital One card.
Tony Blair will be remembered as the British Prime
Minister who went to bed with an inflatable cowboy
and woke up bushed.
Daffy Duck and his family are now living La Vida Loco in
Duckweed Haven, his gated pond in Beverly Hills.
You would like to give the hitchhikers a lift,
but you just don't have enough room in
your Ford Focus.

Friday, September 08, 2006

World's Worst Jobs #4
Lebanese Oil Spill Worker
He was told to turn off his cellphone.
Or else.
Well, he didn't.
More Americans Get Their Distorted History
From ABC Than From Any Other Source
As he testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee,
Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez thought,
“Vaporheads, repeat after me: there’s no such thing as an
‘illegal immigrant’. We all were thrown into this world and
we all will someday be thrown out. In neither case are legal
fictions relevant.”
Dispute Over Lunar Territory Settled Amicably
In addition to relaxing with his favorite pipe,
the UN peacekeeper was hoping he would have
time to catch up on his Proust.
If this fellow shows up at your front door,
don't forget to tell him you are a lifetime
member of the National Rifle Association.

During Unhappy Hour in Santiago,
Molotov Cocktails are 2 for 1.
When the first Italian Navy boat sailed into view,
the Lebanese immediately began to chill.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

When George said, "I'm going to kick Saddam's sorry 
motherfucking ass all over the Mid East," Poppy knew that 
his son was the Kwisatz Haderach, the messiah who would 
eventually turn the entire Earth into a gigantic sand dune.
Women's Department Manager Says Dummy
Couldn't Have Lost What It Never Had
Unable to work out a satisfactory trade agreement with
the Chinese, the Swedish merchant ship Gotheberg adopted
a more direct approach to getting what it wanted.
Wouldn't it be fun to learn that a Scottish
Terrier is actually calling the shots in
Washington, DC, and that George Bush is
just an overpaid pooper scooper?
Only two members of the European Parliament showed up
for the debate on the Middle East. One said he was there
so he could maintain his perfect attendance record. The
other said it was a nice quiet place to take a nap.
When Karen Hughes whispered, "I want to suck you dry!"
every lonely hair on Karl's head stood at attention.
Why is it so easy to imagine John Negroponte and
Michael Hayden saying, "Jawohl, mein Fuhrer!"?
Knowing what Marilyn Chambers did behind the
green door, the mind boggles at what Paris Hilton
has been doing behind the red door.
After taking a good look at his Papa's honker, the
baby proboscis monkey vowed to never grow up.
As Sabine Azéma learned the hard way, never underestimate
Alain Resnais when he's challenged to a roll in the hay.
Pope Benedict Lands Bit Part in New Spätzli Western
When photographic proof was adduced, showing that a giant
arachnid posed a real threat to the space shuttle,

Wayne Hale, the program director,
tried to laugh it off.
Some intrepid photographer gives us a glimpse
of the rare and elusive grease monkey.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Tony Blair has become so unpopular in England that he
always has tea for two.
Karl 'Air Hunter' Rove shows how he shot
down the very last peace dove on Earth.
When time's sorrowful, weary wheel begins its next revolution,
Vice President Cheney will return to earth without his mask and
everyone will know that Dick is short for Dickhead.
Discrimination against people who wear maroon
jerseys is so cruel.
Ann Coulter After She Whipped Anorexia
Ferraris come in any color you want,
so long as it's red.
It suddenly dawned on Prime Minister Olmert that
he forgot to turn the iron off before leaving home.