Saturday, March 25, 2006

This is Roger L. Simon in the daytime. People who
know him well say he looks better in his pajamas.
If the Commander-in-Chief seems a bit stooped
these days, it's because he's carrying so many dead
and wounded American soldiers on his back.
Let's assume you live in Iran.
Would you want this guy to
'democratize' you?
Someone has captured on film the precise
moment when Ben Domenech was being spat
out of the blogosphere like a watermelon seed.

Last night, thousands of people in Melbourne saw
what they claim was a UFO from outer space.
The Australian government disputes this claim,
saying it was nothing more than a weather balloon.
Austrian Chancellor Wolfgang Schuessel
could tell that something was rotten in
Denmark, and it wasn't just the cartoons.
Defying the authorities, the old Bedouin
ignored all the 'Thank You for Not Smoking'
signs posted in the Negev Desert.
After pummeling each other mercilessly for
three rounds, Steve Smith and Lassi Mehrullah
decided to kiss and make up.
Senator Rick Santorum learned the hard way that
'liar, liar, pants on fire!' was more than a children's rhyme.
Today's gossip at The Washington Post
is that Jim Brady and Debbie Howell are
much better skaters than they are journalists.
With spring training well underway, the Cardinals
are hopeful they will return to the form that led
them to successfully elect a new pope in 2005.
Yesterday, this Krasnoyarsk woman was one
of about 3,000 who protested against the
skyrocketing cost of toothpaste in Siberia.
The Michigan judge decided to
withdraw his nomination to the
6th Circuit Court of Appeals
because he got tired of people
mispronouncing his last name.
As a reward for how well he handled the
Red America affair, The Washington Post
presented Jim Brady with an autographed
copy of Google Top 100 Simplified Tips & Tricks.
Texas Governor Rick Perry is like
that annoying rattle in your car:
you can't figure out what's causing it,
and it just won't go away.

Friday, March 24, 2006

"I don't know Ben Domenech, but I've always
found him impressive," said John Podhoretz.
Asked how he found someone impressive
he didn't know, Mr. Podhoretz said he didn't know.
Although Tom Delay's right to carry a concealed
handgun in the State of Texas has been suspended, his right
to carry a concealed Weed 'N Bug Eliminator Sprayer hasn't.
Is Joan Vennochi a faux Democrat?
The answer is written all over her face.
Surrounded by journalists, the President joked
that he felt like a lion in a den full of Daniels.
Not being as up-to-date on the Bible as he,
the journalists didn't laugh.
If your dream girl were to look into
your eyes the way Laura Ingraham
does in this picture, would you think
1) it's time to hit the sack, or
2) it's time to trash the 80 journalists
who have been killed in Iraq?
If you guessed #1, try again.
Yevgeny Bubnov wants to make Russian the official
language in the Crimea. He's fighting an uphill battle
against Mauro Mujica who wants the official
language to be English.
"Will I, Abdul Rahman, be the first to die from
an overdose of American democracy in Afghanistan?"
"There's not a lick of truth to
the preposterous claim that Ignite!,
the company I own, has found a way to tap
into Eternal Hellfire as an alternative energy source."
"Here's how we Bushes do business, children.
First, we donate money to aid Hurricane Katrina victims,
but we earmark it so it goes to a company owned by someone
in our family. Second, we take the donation as a
deduction on our income tax, even though we are
investors in the company. If you follow our example,
in no time, you'll be just as rich as we are."
American automakers were confident that their new
all-asbestos models would be a hit with the French.
Road Rage á la Française
This portrait of Ben Domenech had been scheduled
to be added to the permanent collection of the
Home School Hall of Fame. But, at the last moment,
it was discovered it was really a picture of P. J. O'Rourke.
U. S. Ambassador to Iraq,
Zalmay Khalilzad, spends a lot of time in a
sound-proof room at the U. S. Embassy, sitting in
front of TV cameras, repeating a single message:
"I gotta get out of this place
if it's the last thing I ever do."
William H. T. Bush has collected a cool $2.7 million
in cash and stock as director of a company that
supplied defective equipment to our troops in Iraq.
Even his famous nephew counts his fingers after
shaking hands with Uncle Bucky.
Big Brother Watching Little Brother
Watching You
"And when I get to Iraq, you won't find me
reporting the bad news you can only see from
hotel balconies. No, I'll be reporting the
good news you can only get from camping out
on the ground in my North Face Tadpole 23."
Talk radio host Laura Ingraham is reportedly headed
to Baghdad, intent on reporting all the good news
overlooked by the 80 journalists who have died in Iraq.
"A member of my Advance Team
made the mistake once of not having the
TV in my hotel room tuned to Fox News.
Notice I said 'once', because I fired his
sorry ass on the spot."
After his remarkably brief career at The
Washington Post had ended, Ben Domenech
went on to become a hermit of St. Augustine.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

It took raw courage, but Ben Domenech showed it when
he fearlessly plagiarized P. J. O'Rourke, earning as a result
a Real American Hero Patch.
For those bloggers out there who don't
own dogs or cats but who want to
show pictures of their pet fish
without all the fuss and bother, the Japanese have
come up with the perfect solution: robot koi.
Do you remember this guy?
He's R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr.
Once upon a time, he believed
he was going to destroy
'Boy Clinton' singlehandedly.
Today, he believes that a good rock and roll
tune hasn't been written in ten years.
Do you understand now why you
don't remember this guy?
Although Jeff Goldstein didn't know it at the time,
all the naughty words he learned from his buddies
in the Air Force would really pay off some day.
Did you know that in addition to
being a master of wicked words,
Jeff Goldstein freelances for Jenny Craig?
"It’s time for Democrats who distrust President Bush
to acknowledge that he will be the commander in chief
for three more critical years and that in matters of war
we undermine the president’s credibility at our nation’s peril."
For some unknown reason, Senator Lieberman suddenly
interrupted his speech, claiming that he was
quoting himself out of context.
When it was revealed that his
Scooter Libby TV lovefests might have
some relation to his father's role as an
advisor to the Libby Legal Defense Trust,
Tucker Carlson remained tight-lipped.
"To think that my father is the Richard
Carlson who starred in I Led Three Lives
is even more ridiculous than my bowtie."
"An easy way to remember how to pronounce
my last name is to think 'torture you'."
On the night he received the Al Goldstein Prize for
his colorful epithet, 'bandwidth sucking cocklords',
Jeff Goldstein really put on the dog.
Jeff Goldstein was all smiles
when notified he had set
a new record for the number of
obscenities he was able to compress
into a single comment to his own blog.
Jeff Goldstein wasn't sure, but he had a
sneaking suspicion that someone was
peering at him through the picture frame.
Having been evicted from
Tom Cruise's closet,
Trey Parker and Matt Stone
were trying to figure out
where to move to next.
The Japanese-built RI-MAN humanoid
can see, hear, smell, and play with dolls.
In the spirit of capitalist efficiency, President Hu Jintao
reduced the Chinese version of the Decalogue from
Ten Commandments to Eight.
The Professor was displeased when it
was disclosed he always wears a jacket
to cover his Ward Churchill tattoos.