Saturday, August 19, 2006

When Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza was named Miss Universe,
the only objection came from some critic who believes
in two, parallel universes.
Fiddlesticks! Even if this fool IS wearing a helmet,
it's no way to patrol for Radar Men on the Moon .
Young Republicans love to play Yellow Elephant Bingo
because it's a game they can't lose. The only losers are
the thousands of dead and wounded American soldiers
who don't play games.
Before you reach the erroneous conclusion that the
photographer ruined this picture when he jiggled
his camera, consider another possibility. Women
hurdlers today can almost reach the speed of light
when they imagine Rush Limbaugh is hot on their heels,
in pursuit of another wife.
There was no doubt in the old woman's mind that there
ought to be a law against burning the Cuban flag. But she
had her doubts about a law against burning Fidel Castro.
Wolves start out in life as cuddly little cubs. But it
doesn't take long before they start fantasizing about
Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Little Pigs.
The object of this game is to see how many
madrassa students you can connect to Allah
without ever releasing your left mouse button.
Lyudmila Kolchanova isn't exactly a household name.
But with her recent virtuoso performances in the sport
of 'sandworming', she will doubtless leave her mark on
the dunes of time.
This year's Leninpalooza was over, so it was time for the
festival goers to pack up and head back to the 1920s.
Bush's Bullshit Blackens Beirut Beach;
Ambassador Bolton Urges UN Security Council to
Pass Anti-Alliteration-Proliferation Resolution
Friday the 13th Cat Blogging
A 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings under one of
Bodega Chocolate's vats has been discovered and identified
as an image of the Virgin Mary. The company has decided
to mass produce copies of this image, marketing it under
the name, 'Our Lady of Perpetual Chocoholics'.
In this candid snapshot, Kid Rock displays
the macho vulnerability which lured Pamela
Anderson into his powerful arms.
During his interview with Dr. Phil, Michael Chertoff
confessed to having moments when he feels deeply insecure.

Friday, August 18, 2006

"My guess is victory was never an option for the US in Iraq.
A strategy that could produce victory would require a level
of brutality that the US elites and populace could not stomach.
An occupation of Iraq that utlized the level of brutality needed
to rule in Iraq is just beyond the pale in the minds of people
who live in Western countries today." Thus spake ParaPundit,
who back in 1931, appeared as Bela Lugosi's fangs in Dracula.
Kevin Drum, who blogs at Political Animal, says:
"There are a few people I don't bother commenting on,
and among them is Ann Coulter. But it's not because she's
so outrageous. It's because she's so juvenile." Well, Ann
will be 45 this December and Kevin will be 48 this October.
So, it's true: Kevin is more than three years older than Ann.
And from his adult perspective, she must still look like
a giggly teenager.
Following weeks and weeks of intense negotiations,
the Tajik Elders finally agreed they were one-year
older than they had been one year ago.
For decades, Godfrey Cambridge, Herbie Hancock, and
Mongo Santamaria had been on the trail of the elusive
Watermelon Man. Now, it seems, they have finally
found him.
The audience hooted and hollered when the exotic
dancer was introduced as 'Miss Cicciona'. So she was
re-introduced as 'Mr. Cicciona's wife', and the crowd
gave her a standing ovation.
"Oh, Amir, I bet you say that to all the dummkopfs you know!"
The US Department of Homeland Security acknowledged today
that a commercial airliner has been accidentally snagged by
the High Frontier Bob Wahr Fence.
Dan Gerstein, Joe Lieberman's new campaign manager,
says the Senator is committed to his independent bid for a
fourth term. "He's doing it a for a reason and believes it's an
important reason, namely, Joe is for Lieberman."
Hanging their heads in the summer heat, the sunflowers
dreamed of becoming moonflowers.
John Daly stunned the PGA gallery yesterday when he
introduced the world's first hands-free putter.
What fashion statement would a woman be making who
wears a dress made of condoms?
Though the K-Mart shopper admired the dress made entirely
out of condoms, she wondered where she would ever wear it.
Daniela Hantuchova has made the 'rooster tail'
hairstyle very popular with tennis fans.
Nobody believed the passenger when he claimed he found
Monty Python on the plane.
From his reaction, you would think Michael Phelps had
never seen a butterfly before.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

If you're thinking about taking a vacation to Utah,
here are two reasons you shouldn't: Senators Orrin
Hatch and Bob Bennett. These guys are so Precambrian
in their worldview that they make trilobites look like
radical utopians.
By redefining what a planet is, astronomers are
getting ready to tell us there are more than nine
planets in our Solar System. Aren't nine already
more than we need?
"As you know, men, I'm a legend in my own mind. So when
I give the order to invade Daytona Beach, don't forget those
NASCAR heroes who have gone before you."
For you men out there who want to reinvigorate your
love life but won't touch anything that's not organic,
here's a solution straight from Peru. In your next
Revival Chocolate Daydream Shake, throw in a skinned
frog--unskinned if you prefer a thicker shake--and then
tell your lover to buckle up, because it's going to be a
jumpy ride.
The New Republic has become the journalistic
equivalent of an albino alligator: so rare it's
hard to keep your eyes off it, but so colorless
it's hard to see until it mates with Ann Coulter.
No matter what devilish method of torture the doctor used,
the child refused to say, "No pain, no gain."
The corpse flower (Amorphophallus titanum) can grow up to
nine feet tall from a tuber that can weigh over 170 pounds.
It got its common name from the fact it smells like rotting flesh.
It got its Latin name from an oversexed botanist.
"Elspeth Reeve, our extremely talented reporter-researcher,
penned a clever, interesting, very well-executed defense of
despicable authoritarian pundit Ann Coulter. I can't wait
to see her equally-clever defense of execrable xenophobic
hatemonger Michelle Malkin. Check it out at TNR Online
next week."
If you're the smallest, you get to be the ball when
it's time to play a friendly game of Monk Tossing.
A Room with a View
Afghanistan has reportedly developed a breed of sheep that
can subsist on a diet of sand and gravel.
Jordan Bratman suspected that every guy in
Yankee Stadium was staring at Christina's cap.
Unwary Pedestrian About to Be Gobbled Up by
Man-Eating Lamasery
Yes, friends and neighbors, Dubya was born to be wild.
Middle Eastern Filing Cabinets
"I told my husband I was going to get my hair done,
come hell or high water."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Zen Koan #1
Sometimes the rubber meets the road,
sometimes it meets the woodpecker.
Tzipi Livni, Israel's Foreign Minister, was able to
successfully touch her left thumb with her right
index finger, thus passing the first part of her
Diplomatic Sobriety Test.
Five years after Al Qaida destroyed the World Trade Center,
Osama bin Laden is alive and well and President Bush still
hasn't finished reading My Pet Goat.
“There are more jerks in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are
dreamt of in your philosophy. Take Rocco DiPippo, for instance.”
Sure, you see fishermen angling for women in bikinis
all the time. But when was the last time you witnessed
an Isaak Walton wannabe actually catch one?