Saturday, March 09, 2013

Angry Birds

Wacko Birds
Warm Scuzzies #376
Juan Williams
Grandpa Walnuts and the Smartass Kid Who 
Won't Get Off His Lawn

Friday, March 08, 2013

"Black smoke say, 'No pope yet', kemo sabe."
All-Male Birth Control Panel Less Than Enthusiastic 
About International Women's Day
There's a right way and there's a wrong way to 
weigh a Java Sparrow. This is the right way.
"He tells me he's going to see STS9 tonight at the 
House of Blues and wants to remind everyone to
 wear their dancing shoes."
Warm Scuzzies #375
James Steele

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Zombie O'Keefe Pays $100,000 to Settle with 
Former ACORN Employee Whose Brain He 
Partially Ate
World's Worst Yobs #279
Mark Gauvreau Judge
Warm Scuzzies #374
Nelson, Georgia

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Why do some people have to
take tête-à-tête so literally?
OK, let's assume we agree that Water-Boarding 
is controversial, maybe even torture.  But 
what about Pizza-Ironing-and-Blowing?

 "See, it's like I told you before:  you don't have to be
catty to get ahead in life."
Back in the Black-and-White Days When 
Same-Sex Marriage Was Forbidden
Even if you're never quite fearful or paranoid enough,
that's no reason to panic, because Representative
Peter King (R-NY) has your back.
For years, it had been unclear why Senator
 John McCain was called 'Grandpa Walnuts', 
instead of 'Grandpa Hazelnuts'.
"Of course, Roy, there will be anticommunists who will,
in the future, pretend to talk like---even look like--me.
 But, don't be fooled.  Take, for example, Ted Cruz, 
that Ivy League-educated Senator from Texas.  He 
will never amount to much. Perhaps, if he's lucky
 and to speak musicologically, he may become 
the lead singer in a cover band of my greatest
First, imagine gods who enjoy watching humans bow 
their heads.  That's easy.  Second, imagine humans who 
enjoy watching gods bow their heads.  That's hard.  
Third, imagine a world in which neither gods nor 
humans enjoy watching anyone or anything bow
their heads.  That's almost impossible.
"Saxby, I don't blame you for retiring from the Senate.
Had you run for another term and won, you probably
would have been targeted by one of the sleeper cells
Saul Alinsky created before he died over 40 years ago."
Local Woman Blames Pee-Wee Herman
for Scotch-Taped-Face Addiction
"Hey!  Whatever happened to Sarah Palin,
 my favorite quotable rogue?"  
Little Known Fact #33
Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí i Domènech, 
1st Marqués de Dalí de Pubol's life was cut short 
when his moustache got stuck in an infinite loop.

Although the new anti-drone Stealth Burqa
 will set you back $2,278.35, it may well 
keep you alive if you someday end up on 
President Obama's Enemies List
According to a new poll, Catholics in the United States 
are demanding a hip, young pope.  Well, that should
disqualify Ross Douthat, because though young, he's
definitely not hip.
"When I imagine an extraordinary circumstance in which it 
would be necessary and appropriate under the Constitution 
and applicable laws of the United States for the President 
to authorize the military to use lethal force within the 
territory of the United States, my whole body gets hard."
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #479
Ted Gassman
World's Worst Jobs #130
English Thamesside Busker
"I knew Joe McCarthy, and Senator Cruz, 
you're no Joe McCarthy!"

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

"I love to eat, I love to kill, I love to rock, 
and it's all one big spiritual orgy!"
You'll be happy to know that, come April 25, the 
TSA will allow you to carry your Wiffle Bat with 
you when you fly.
Unlike last year's Jeb Bush, this year's 
John Ellis Bush favors a path to 
citizenship for America's illegal 
What to Pack in Your Knapsack When
 Following the Path to Citizenship
Hash Flag

Monday, March 04, 2013

Is it tragic that the Mask of Tragedy 
looks so tragic?  Or is it comic because
it looks like Willie Lump Lump?
"Gotta say this ballpoint pen is 
the best I've ever smelled."
Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada, has
perfect hair.  Even his most ardent opponents don't
deny this.
"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a 
child?' Well, no.  Back then, I was the lead 
guitarist in a Sex Pistols tribute band."
New Study Shows Pessimists Live Longer than Optimists
and Get the Last Laugh
Ed Orcutt (R-WA) says that if we would all stop breathing, 
we would stop emitting more carbon dioxide than walkers,
 cyclists, or cars.  And, as a result, we could solve the 
problem of global warming faster than Tool can play
Knit Wit
And then the day came when it was no longer called 
'Procreation' or 'Reproduction':  it was called 
'Populating Backup Sets'.
Bane Sez:  “It kills me not to be there,
 not to be in the White House doing 
what needs to be done:  bringing people
 together, doing the deals, doing the 
trades, knocking the heads together."
[Yeah, especially knocking the heads
Judging from his Twitter pic, John Hawkins has
become the new International Man of Mystery.
On reliable authority it has been reported that the 
flavor of pepperoni has changed in Lunchables.  It
 is not known at this time whether the horse meat
scare has anything to do with this destablizing
What Makes Assad Tick
Lech Walesa Celebrates Solidarity with Ann and Mitt
After Saying Gays Should Sit at the Back of Parliament,
Behind a Wall