Saturday, August 15, 2009

If you find a Komodo Dragon in your loo,
don't push the panic button. It just likes
to squeeze the Charmin.
Inventor Claims 100% Success Rate
for His Sarahscopic DePalinator
If looks could kill, Dubya would no
longer be with us.
Glenn Beck, America's Lachrymose Schlub
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #69
John Culberson

Friday, August 14, 2009

"But, Senator Cornyn, the teabaggers are about to push
the Republican Party off the edge of the world!"
"So what! It'll just land in Rick Perry's Texas!"
The day finally came when the only primates on
Planet Earth who didn't have stunt breasts
were gorillas.
When your cheeks are full, it's hard to empathize
with someone whose cheeks are empty.
Thank God, the suspense is finally over! As many of us
have long suspected, Harriet Miers is indeed a cyborg,
the latest advance in Japanese robotics.
"W-H-E-E-L OF F-O-R-T-U-N-E!"
They stretched their hands toward Heaven, but the
Deus Absconditus couldn't reciprocate, because
He was immaterial and didn't have hands.
Unwilling to symbolize an America that had
lost its mind, the bald eagle flew away.

How did it come to pass that Wilbert Joseph 'Billy' Tauzin, II,
served 25 years as a U. S. Representative from Louisiana
(first as a Democrat, then as a Republican), and then became
the President and CEO of PhRMA, a pharmaceutical lobby
group? Was it because Cajuns are naturally keen on the
U. S. Pharmacopeia and the Physicians' Desk Reference?
(By the way, when Billy laughs, you're about to pay more
for your prescriptions.)
As you would expect, the new Libertarian
dream car, the I-Mobile, seats one.
"What do we humble supplicants have to do in order
to get a little royal purple dye around here?"
When Stinky was about to cut a big one,
he always covered the mic.
Before you fly off the handle and condemn Doug
Manchester for opposing same-sex marriage, you
need to remember he opposes different-sex
marriage as well. That's why he's divorcing
his wife of 43+ years and treating her like dirt.
Fair and balanced? You betcha!
Don't let a liar, like 'Ground Chuck' Grassley, prejudice
you against all septuagenarian Iowans who also happen
to be members of The Family (aka the 'Christian Mafia').

Advertisers Bailing on Glenn Beck
If ignorance is bliss, America must be
the happiest country in the world.
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #68
Jack Kingston
Report: Manneken Pis Suffering from
Urinary Retention
Like last year in Austin, Texas, RightOnline, an Americans
for Prosperity Foundation 'project', is holding a conference
in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, across town from the Netroots
Nation conference. There are 500 attendees and 40 speakers
at the former, 2,000 attendees and 400 speakers at the
latter. Four-to-one: that's a ratio that doesn't bode well
for the future of the American right.
Quoting John Boehner, the teabagger shouted,
"No one condones the actions of those who disrupt
public events. Every citizen should have the
opportunity to express his or her views in
an orderly and respectful way!"

Thursday, August 13, 2009

On September 17, 2009, Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA)
will turn 76. Is there any wonder why visions of 'death
panels' are now dancing in his addle-pated head?
"Dick Cheney, I wuv you with a purple passion!"
"For God's sake, just say NO!"
Man Receives Safety Seal Award for Innovation
in Motorcyclical Slacktivism
Ghastly Monsters and Blond Giants #11
Melissa Clouthier, Michelle Malkin, and Kathleen McKinley
John Mackey, Whole Foods CEO and Plant-Based,
Nutrient-Dense, Low-Fat
Republican and
Opponent of Health Care Reform
"I think the best thing to do is if you want people to
think about the end of life, number one, Jesus Christ
is the place to start. As for Jews, Muslims, Buddhists,
atheists, and all other heathen, well, they're S.O.L!"
Q: Who, besides Michelle Malkin, would use
all available resources to attack an
eleven-year-old girl for political reasons?

A: Pol Pot.
And tell them Glenn Beck sent you!
Code Pink has begun to suspect a 'mole' may have
successfully penetrated the organization.
The more we learn of Dick Cheney, the more loathesome
he becomes.
"Hey, not so hard! What do you think this is--a town hall?"
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #67
Katy Abram

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

"Let me repeat what I just shouted, Senator Specter:
[The descendants of William Penn sound a lot louder
than they used to, don't they?]
Tom Head is a County Judge in
Lubbock, Texas. He likes to post

racist anti-Obama humor on
the courthouse bulletin board.
Tom lives in the same city where
Alberto Gonzales will be teaching
political science to Texas Tech
undergrads this fall. If you've
never been to Lubbock, be sure
to put it on your list of places
to visit, especially if Roswell,
Area 51, the Marfa Lights, and
District 9 intrigue you.
Japanese Introduce New Line of Remote-Control
Town Hall Disrupt-O-Bots; Developers Say They're
Targeting the Lazy Teabagger Market
Women's fashion in Baghdad today is reminiscent
of what Henry Ford said one hundred years ago:
"Any customer can have a car painted any color
that he wants so long as it is black."
When he likened President Obama to Felix the Cat
(i. e., he's black and lucky), Harvard Professor Niall
Ferguson had evidently gotten lost in Bad Analogies
National Monument.
Need a porter to carry your knife and gun to
the next town hall meeting? Richard Terry
Young would appreciate your business. Just
give him a call.
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #66
Chuck Baldwin
Glenn Beck Loses GEICO, Sargento, Procter & Gamble,
Men's Wearhouse, Progressive Insurance, State Farm,
and as Advertisers, Goes into Partial
Eclipse; Can a Total Eclipse Be Far Off?
Megyn Kelly, Fox News' Thumb in the
Eye of Edward R. Murrow
Don't be alarmed. His right to keep and bear arms
is protected by the Second Amendment, just like
William Kostric attributes his descent into
teabaggery to his loss of faith in Santa Claus.