Thursday, June 07, 2007

Fearguth has been having way too much fun lately.
So he has decided to kick himself up a notch by
enjoying the Wakarusa Music Festival over the
next four days. He will return online June 11.
"The price has gone up over the past 35 years,
but it's still right."

"If you don't like my pantsuit, Vladimir,
you can go straight to Heiligendamm!"

El Toro Punishing Those Who Take His Name in Vain
by Saying, "Bullshit!"

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Drudge Report Funnies #7
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears."

"I said 'ears', dummy! Do I look like I need thumbs?"

"Can you open up a little wider, Lou? It looks to me like
your uvula is attached to your sphincter, so when you
bellow, that's what gives you the squinchies."
She was so terrified by what was coming straight at her
she was oblivious to the much greater threat sneaking
up on her from behind.
Northern Cardinal Takes Wrong Turn,
Ends Up in Tyler, Texas

She claimed to be a suicide bomber, so she couldn't
understand why no one took her seriously.
"I've never read a book in my life, including my
own autobiography, Learning to Fly. I'm also
well known for not being able to sing. But I can
outrun a zebra."
Kansei the Robot frowns when he hears the word 'bomb',
 smiles at'sushi', and grits his teeth when someone says
 'President Bush'.
Tom Tancredo apparently only has a problem with aliens
from Mexico, not from Outer Space.
Maudie Frickert Puts on Her Dancin' Shoes
Quiet Riot
World's Worst Jobs #44
Chinese Dead Fish Collector

"Victory, dude! War rockz!"

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, Diana Hadi
won't be seeing one for the next 55 years.

"Scooter who?"

Smantix the Pig Serves His Chef-d'oeuvre
at the Six Meathead Buffet
Of all the 150 'love letters' his friends sent to Judge Walton,
the one signed by Mary Matalin and James Carville brought
the biggest smile to Scooter's face.
"Would somebody PLEASE ask my mistress to let
me watch Straw Dogs? It's the only Sam Peckinpah
flick I haven't seen, and I can't stand the thought
of running out of dog years without seeing it."
After hearing him testify today before the Senate
Judiciary Committee, many feel Bradley
Schlozman should give serious consideration
to having a voice transplant.
"Is there any reason you can think of, Mr. Schlozman, 
why people frequently confuse you with Bradley Sleazeman?"
You, too, can own an International MaxxPro, the next generation
of mine-resistant, ambush-protected vehicles. And if you have to
ask how much it costs or what kind of gas mileage it gets, you can't
afford it.
Not that long ago, it was called a 'mug shot'. After that,
it was softened to 'booking photo'. Now it's 'glamour shot'.
These days, it seems everybody wants to have their picture
taken with that celebrated dummy, Paris Hilton.
After undergoing breast augmentation, Heidi Montag, MTV star,
was quoted as saying, "I am excited to show a side of myself that
people don't get a chance to see just watching The Hills."
Scrapbooking Rubbish Mistaken for Logo of 2012 Olympic Games
"Hey Honey! Is this what you call a 'pothead'?"
Where does Al Gore's The Assault on Reason fit into this picture?

Monday, June 04, 2007

"Did you hear Paris Hilton completed her first night in jail?"
"I declare! Do you do anything besides butt heads and watch
Fox News?
Javier Solana, Secretary-General of the European Union, is
seeking a restraining order against the Star of Bethlehem,
which, he claims, has been stalking him ever since he made
a flippant remark about the Baby Jesus.
Representative William Jefferson (D-LA) Not Indicted
for Spitting on the Sidewalk
"Quite honestly, I've received better treatment as a
monkey than the treatment received by most
human beings. So, changing my legal status from
'animal' to 'person' is probably not in my best interest.
Better a chimp than a chump, I always say."
John Gibson, calling himself “the whitest man in America,
who is the black man’s best friend,” has been diagnosed with
ooga booga fever, which, doctors say, he contracted from some
godforsaken hellhole in the Third World called Fox News.
John Gibson, the whitest white man in America, 
has urged the viewers of his Fox News show to 
“Make More Babies!” In related development, 
the Fox Network is giving serious consideration
to a new reality show, in which white people 
will be pitted against brown people in a reproduction 
showdown. The working title is “The Great North 
American Fuckoff.”
"If you were me, how would you like it if someone said,
'President Bush isn't just obstinate; he's pigheaded'?"
Jamison Stone Fells Fred the Christmas Pig with .50 Caliber Pistol,
Claims He Caught the Animal Stealing His Canned Sweet Potatoes

Borat loves his brothrer almost as much as he loves
his sister.

Olmert Gang Conducts Daring Hold-Up in Broad Daylight
Iranian President Cries for Help As the Past
Squeezes Him Out of the Picture

Sunday, June 03, 2007

The FBI has foiled a terrorist plot to shave off the polychromatic
beard of a friend of New York fashion designer Apollo Braun. Such
an attack, experts say, would have crippled America's economy,
particularly the hair coloring industry. In the wake of the thwarted
plot, a CNN online poll is already asking Americans, "Would the
destruction of such a colorful beard by terrorists have as much
emotional impact as 9/11?"
The world of tennis is all aflutter after it was revealed today at the
French Open that the contestant calling himself Rafael Nadal is
actually Will Ferrell, who is practicing for his next athletic role in
the upcoming sequel to Talladega Nights and Blades of Glory.
Dr. Harald Ringstorff, a German politician of the Social
Democratic party, is so brainy his head is surrounded
by a swarm of thought balloons wherever he goes.
Lou Piniella, manager of the Chicago Cubs, has been
ejected from adulthood for behaving like he's still in
his Terrible Two's.
Inventor of Time Files Patent Infringement Lawsuit Against
Six Billion Unauthorized Users
"Many of you have expressed surprise that I have eliminated
any public record of my guests and their visits to my undisclosed
location. Well, you obviously haven't been paying close enough
attention to my systematic efforts to privatize the Vice-Presidency."
Cyclists Discover the Downside of All Roads Leading to Rome