Saturday, September 10, 2011

Remember when the only time you saw policemen with
machine guns patrolling the streets was when you visited
 a Third World country, like Mexico? This is New York
City today. 
Perry Candidacy Sparks New Interest in 'Hubristics', the
Scientific Study of Overweening Pride and Arrogance

"I've seen just about everything:  planking, owling,

Newt Gingrich Undergoes Radical Trans-Species Surgery
 in Bid to Improve Electoral Odds
Birther Queen Goes Green for Rick Perry

Friday, September 09, 2011

Good news for all of you Velociteers out there! Windows 8
promises to boot up faster than Mitt Romney can flip-flop
on issues championed by the GOP's teabagger base.
"God damn, The Pusher
God damn, I say The Pusher
I said God damn,
God damn The Pusher man."
"Ah!  White Night Perfume by Benetton!  I'd recognize that
fragrance anywhere, Ms. Lundgren!"
Ask Frankenstein's monster and he will tell you that in-
jecting heated beef fat into your face is not a good idea.
Spokesman for Rick Perry's Presidential Campaign Denies
GOP Hopeful Has Ever Said Social Security Is a
'Fonzie Scheme'
Gays Launch Surprise Attack on
Munster, France
"I understand, Lieutenant-Colonel Peters, that whenever
you are asked to stand up and be counted, you're often not
counted because you're so short it looks like you're still
sitting down."
"As the mummy of Queen Tiye, King Tutankhamun's
grandmother, clearly shows, using a sunscreen with an
SPF rating of less than 30+ is a waste of time and money."
"Every time I see Kim Kardashian, she looks
 so undercultured and overdressed."
Ghastly Monsters and Blond Giants #123
Scott Schley, Michelle Portnoff, and Jennifer Rubin
As a young man, he had treated nudity and the invention of
clothing as a social, psychological and moral issue.  As he
grew older, he began to think of them increasingly in
terms of aesthetics.
Apeman Fossil Could Be Missing Link
 in Monty Python's 'Gorilla Librarian' 
"Hey, this isn't Jemima Puddle-Duck! This is some
goddam duck-owner's manual!"
Was it just a joy buzzer or was Newt making Rick cry uncle?
"I didn't realize they still made people so white,
Ms. Lundberg!"
"Hey, Rick!  I've got 30 seconds to burn. 
Tell me all you know about Galileo."
"President Obama is politically insane, and I'm not feeling
too good myself."
"I have people tell me on a regular basis, 'Gee, are you
still running?' And my answer is, 'Heck, at my age, it's
a wonder I'm still walking!'"
Linn State Technical College to Require All Freshmen to
 Undergo Mandatory Drug Testing; Two-Year Missouri
 School Dropped from Princeton Review's List of '20
Best Party Schools for 2012'
Michele Bachmann is insulted that President Obama referred
to Congress as a 'circus' in last night's jobs speech.  Actually,
Michelle, that was a compliment:   the circus is much more
popular than Congress .
"Yes, it's true.  Had my paternal grandfather not been an
 illegal immigrant, I wouldn't be the Governor of New
Mexico today.  But that doesn't count because my
grandfather was also a persona sin valor."
The Unexpurgated Bible #61
"In the beginning, Corporations created the heaven and
the earth.  Also, jobs."
Little Known Fact #18
Meteorites Brought Glenn Beck and Goldline to Earth
"Rick Perry has not won elections in Texas because he is
loved. He has won because he sticks a fork in his
opponent's eyeballs." [Alex Castellanos]
"The science is not settled on global warming. The idea
that we would put Americans' economy at jeopardy based
on scientific theory that's not settled yet to me is just
nonsense. Just because you have a group of scientists who
stood up and said here is the fact. Galileo got outvoted
for a spell."  [Rick Perry, Wednesday, 9/7/2011]

"Texas endured the hottest summer ever recorded by a
U.S. state with temperatures averaging 86.8 degrees,
scientists said Thursday." [UPI, Friday, 9/9/2011]

Thursday, September 08, 2011

"Listen, you little twerp!  One more crack about me being
Al Gore's Texas cheerleader and I'll groom you like Ben
Bernanke's beard!"
By the end of last night's debate, even Michele
Bachmann's American flag lapel pin had capsized
and was sending out distress signals.
Just as 'Hiking the Appalachian Trail' was Mark Sanford's
code for 'Rendezvous with My Brazilian Hottie', 'Watching
 the Saints Play on TV' is David Vitter's code for 'It's
Diaper Time on Canal Street Tonight'. 
"Holdup, you say? Ha! Ha! Next thing you know, you'll be
claiming you were one of the Clay People in Flash Gordon's
Trip to Mars!"
World's Worst Jobs #122
Guatemalan Metal Scavenger
Sure, Michele was losing support, but Marcus wasn't.
And that's what really mattered.
Aging Diva Hates Hydrangeas, Loves
Red Butterflies
Missouri, the 'Show Me Your Corporate Tax Cut' State
When she heard some pundit say she was
fini and kaput, Michele thought that meant
'fine' and 'dandy' and raised her arms in
Drunken Elk, Smashed on Applejack, Rescued from Treetop

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Warm Scuzzies #216
Jay Sekulow
World's Worst Yobs #226
Iain Murray
"We've come to realize that 'Republican' and 'Democrat'
 don't adequately convey the reality of what's really going
 on in Congress today.  So we've decided to change our
 party names to 'Crips' and 'Bloods'."
Father of the Modern Conservative Movement

Mother of the Modern Conservative Movement

Their Offspring
"Pardon me, Captain America, but what
do you think of the new online game,
Tea Party Zombies Must Die?