"Believe it or not, my first career choice was to

become a marriage counselor."

"I can communicate using my mouth or

my hands. Which would you prefer?"

"All I know is one day these four guys said, 'To hell with

gravity!' You can see the result."

"Ooh, Debbie Schlussel, I can tell you're the worst

kind of Semite: an anti-anti-Semite Semite!"

Well, it looks like the water supply for all those

dang Tea Parties has just about dried up.

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #142

Mike Adams

Attention All Whale and Horse Eaters

You can no longer spend outrageous sums

at The Hump restaurant satisfying your

unnatural appetites. Yesterday, it closed

its doors forever. In case you're wondering,

the Pope feels really sorry.

Is Jonathan Martin hugging Meghan McCain, or is he

really hugging himself? Your answer will depend on

whether you're as cynical as Jonathan is.

World's Worst Yobs #159

Brett Baier

Pope Benedict Channeling Ming the Merciless

Israel's annual outlay for tear gas must be enormous.

Recently-Declassified Photograph #20

Capitol Hill Legislative Processor

World's Worst Yoobs #68

Janet Porter

"I started getting emails saying 'You must be Brian'

and 'Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!'"

Jay was delighted to see that the President had never heard

the old joke about Grover Cleveland's failure to enforce the

15th Amendment.

“The President is the President 24 hours a day. I don’t think

he should drink on the job. As for me, I'm a big, mysterious

blob floating off the coast of Alaska, and I can drink anytime

I damn well please!”

"Give the wrong answer and you will be unceremoniously

dumped into the Rio Grande. OK, here's the question: how

many iguanas are crawling on your back right now?"

"I would many times over liberate Iraq again from

Saddam Hussein. I think he was a danger to the

Middle East. My only regret is that we liberated

Iraq from Saddam Hussein only once."

In olden days, people burned animals to appease

the gods. Now they burn drugs.

He wanted to say, "You'll never pin that on me, copper!"

But, for some reason, it didn't seem apropos.

Paul Broun is a good example of why

the Confederacy of Dunces lost the

Great War of Yankee Aggression.

"Hey, Sharky, where ya headed?"

"Downtown to the payday loan store

I manage."

"Go ahead, demonize me! See if I care!"

Oxymorons for Our Time #27

Radical Transformative Conservatism

"Would you mind explaining, Mr. Prime Minister,

Israel's 'Bite the Hand That Feeds Us' policy toward

the United States?"

"Yes, Jesus could walk on water, but I can fly!"

Don't go there. You really don't want to know.

"Do I look crazy? Of course I do. I am crazy!"

'Jihad Jane' Pleads 'Not Alliterative'

"Good Morning, Mr. Phelps. Your mission, should

you decide to accept it, is to determine if any part of

Megyn Kelly's body is original equipment."

Dennis Kucinich's wife only looked taller

because she was standing on his principles

and he wasn't.

Glenn Beck Finally Discovers the

Truth about the 9/11 Conspiracy in

His Folding Money

"Granted, I'm a fake giraffe. But you're

really not an anteater, are you?"

"OK, it's true: my real name is Oscar Mayer, not Jefferson

Starship. Now will you please give me back my

wiener whistle?"

Smiley Face After Dark, or

Have a Nice Night!

"If I understand what you're saying, you painted your

face black because the long-term outlook for white is

pretty dark."

The Slumber of Reason: Dreaming of Bibi

Just the thought of John Boehner brought tears to

the Islamic warrior's eyes.

Too late, he realized that the carnival

barker had sold him a one-way ticket

to Reality, the freakiest sideshow of

them all.

If Tony Manero Had Become the 'Guide of the First of

September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's

Libyan Arab Jamahiriya' Instead of the Star of

Saturday Night Fever

"Did I just hear that Mark Sanford has pleaded

'no contest' to the charge that he broke 37 South

Carolina laws? Or is my superhearing playing

me false again?"

"Like you, Michelle, I didn't mean any disrespect when I

accused Egyptian media of treason 4,500 years ago."

Fearguth and Loathing in the 21st Century #10

Imagine a sock puppet stuffed with toenail

clippings. That would be Bill O'Reilly.

Ben Shapiro Giving Vanessa Williams

a Dirty Look

Flag Desecration #29

"When I'm drafting right to life language,

who am I gonna call? Nunbusters!"

The Politico Illustrated #12

"Pelosi's biggest test"

Bloody Bacon Mary: It's What's for Breakfast

Rightbloggers and Other

Internet Biohazards #39

Big Government

"Erick Erickson sends his regards, Ed, and says

you're the best-dressed goat-fucking child molester

ever to work at CNN."