"Hello, I'm Allan Sherman, and I wanted all you Muddahs

and Fadduhs out there to know that Fearguth will be going

to Summer Camp May 23-25. He will be back online May 26."

McCain Has Señor Moment, Launches Spanish-Language Website

MoDo Quartet Wins Milli Vanilli Lifetime Achievement Award

Parental Advisory #2

Explicit Body Oiling

Zell Lieberman to Deliver Keynote Address

at Political Crossdressers Convention

Blank Slate #6
Top Stories from May 22, 2008

"Trapped in the Courtroom"

"If You're Dying of Thirst, Should You Drink Your Urine?"

"Why Asymmetrical Architecture Is So Disturbing"

"Finally, Foodies Give Soul Food the Respect It Deserves"

"Gasoline Is Cheap"

Hillary compares her effort to seat Florida and Michigan

delegates with the struggle to free the slaves, the fight for

women's suffrage, the battle for civil rights in the 1960s,

and the campaign to Have It Your Way® at Burger King.

Angry Shoppers Aim Their Frustrations at Department Store Mannequin

"Regardless of whatever else we may have accomplished,

we damn sure secured the neighborhood!"

To express your disbelief at what someone is telling you,

use your index finger to pull down the skin under your eye.

For example, this Baghdad resident is responding to a soldier

who has just said, "This retinal scan is for your own good."

Parental Advisory #1

Explicit Socialism

McCain Acknowledges Need to Work on Republican Brand;

"I'm Considering 35 Fresh Suggestions Right Now," He Says

Two Handfuls of Freepers

Alex Castellanos, a GOP consultant, says Hillary Clinton

is a bitch because she's "abrasive, aggressive, irritating."

Some say the male equivalent of 'bitch' is 'dick', citing Mr.

Castellanos as an example.

"Come to Zimbabwe. Be a zillionaire!"

When young, the McCain-Clinton generation said,

"Never trust anyone over 30."

Now old, the McCain-Clinton generation says,

"Never trust anyone under 60."

World Bank President Nonplussed by Mister Peepers Award

American Empire #23

Force Projection

"Here's the deal, John. To counteract any negative impressions

people have of us, I'll change my last name from Black to White

and you'll change yours from McCain to McAbel."

Razing McCain #11

Getting elected President all depends on the way you hold

your mouth. John McCain obviously doesn't have a chance.

Theism = God Exists

Atheism = God Doesn't Exist

Antitheism = God Shouldn't Exist

Apatheism = Whatever

Ferraro Suggests She May Not Vote for Mondale;

"I'll Make Up My Mind After the Summer Olympics

in L.A.", She Says

"Carry on

Love is coming

Love is coming to us all."

Roosevelt Remembered for New Deal,

Bush for No Deal

"Alright guys, when Rush says the word, let's give

Operation Goosestep all we've got!"

"Little one, how do you like to see soldiers from faraway

lands patrolling the streets of your village?"

"Come on in," the Tennessee GOP chairman hollered,

"the water's fine!"

John McCain has announced his campaign is implementing a new

mouthwash policy. "We're saying goodnight to germs," he says.

"The Pope's astronomer just announced it's OK to treat

extraterrestrials as brothers. Shall we now proceed with

our plan to invite Little Green Footballs to join the

Vivo Benito Coalition?"

"Give back the green gonad, Condi, and I'll get off your toes."

"I remember John McCain singing 'bomb, bomb, bomb,

bomb, bomb Iran'. I thought that was funny. Since I was a kid,

I've always loved explosions--the bigger the better. I know

this may sound sacrilegious to some people, but when,

as the Bible says, the heavens pass away with a great noise

and the elements melt with fervent heat, I'll probably be

laughing my ass off."

"You idiot! You hit the Torah. The Koran is on the right!"

Razing McCain #10

John McCain may eventually have to campaign without advisers

because he won't be able to find a Republican who isn't a lobbyist.

One unforgivable sin is enough to send you straight to Hell.

Texas has committed two.

After spending two years and $1.4 million to 
eradicate an epidemic of voter fraud in Texas, 
Republican Attorney General Greg Abbott

has prosecuted a grand total of 26 violators, 
all, strangely enough, Democrats of the black or 
Hispanic persuasion.

Wisconsin Man Won't Buy Gas for 31 Days, Maybe Longer

President of Germany and Queen of the Netherlands

Observed Slumming in Lower Fiddlestickstein

Klansmen After Appearing on Extreme Makeover

"This is the Red Sea. This is where, you may remember,

Charlton Heston parted the water so Cecil B. DeMille

could walk across without getting his feet wet."

Presidents Bush and Abbas on the Verge of Tying the Knot

"But Senator McCain already owns eight houses. Why is

he building another one?"