Jim Nicholson, Secretary of Veterans Affairs, is so nondescript

that if his identity were stolen, no one would notice.

Eulalio Gomez has a gleam in his eye which clearly shows

he's happy to be an American. Try to find this gleam in

the eye of a Minuteman and you won't find it.

Even Freddy Krueger doesn't like the President of Georgia,

Mikhail Saakashvili.

At the conclusion of their summit meeting,

the three chimpanzees announced they

were filing a lawsuit against the Smirking

Chimp blog, on the grounds that comparing

them to George W. Bush had caused them

to suffer mental pain and anguish for what

was clearly a defamation of their character

as intelligent primates.

On holiday weekends, Tim Russert likes to shed his

coat and tie, bullshit with his buddies, and get horny.

Female suicide bombers are really quite

fashion conscious.

Medical studies have found that extensive headers can cause

brain damage, as well as make your cranium resemble a 
soccer ball.

"Sick of politicians who fail to keep promises, Mexicans are sticking

pins in voodoo-style dolls of presidential candidates to needle them

into becoming better public servants." Reading this story, one wonders:

might this technique work better than email and letter-writing?

Bush Administration Recommends Tapping Into the 
Fires of Hades as Alternative Energy Source

For those of you who are flying over the

Memorial Day weekend, have a nice delay.

Cyclist Leonardo Piepoli just seconds before he

was overcome by an unruly erotic impulse.

Rush Limbaugh, Cigar Aficionado and Cricket Fan

President on Stairway to Heaven

Look into these eyes and you'll understand

why he's called 'Deadeye Dick'.

Pope Benedict illustrated his homily on the sin of idolatry with

a portrait of Pope John Paul II.

Jeanne-Claude and Christo are taking no chances

in their project to wrap a stretch of the Arkansas

River near Cañon City, Colorado. They've hired

the entire New York Yankees grounds crew.

As he headed toward Camp David for a long

weekend with Condoleezza Rice, President

Bush was really hot to trot.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer was jubilant when he

defeated Steve Jobs in their Doom Deathmatch.

Palestinian Activist Violates Ban on Bearing

Oversized Flags

Kenyan Willis Yoga set a new world record

by bouncing a soccer ball on his head over

55 million times in just over seven hours and

37 minutes. The four judges who certified the

record also set a new world record for counting

that high and for that long.

Karl Zinsmeister is President Bush's

new domestic policy chief. Who he

is hard to say exactly, since he keeps

revising his biographical profile. From

his photograph, however, he does seem

to have a strong chin and a neck that's

about the same diameter as his head.

When Robert L. Gallucci, Dean of Georgetown’s School

of Foreign Service, introduced the new professor, he said:

"Doug Feith brings a combination of legal, foreign and

defense policymaking experience that I am confident

will enrich campus discussions on a wide range of critical

international issues of the day." This is the same Doug

Feith General Tommy Franks famously described as

"the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the Earth."

Who should we believe? The Dean or the General?

"Hey, Mom! Can we watch Antz after we eat?"

All penguins can march and swim.

But only a few can fly.

The Afghan woman wasn't impressed by

the Musselman meatheads.

You've heard of goat ropers. Well, this

is Shirley, a Phelps-Roper.

Svetlana Kuznetsova tried to slice the ball,

but her tennis racket was too dull to cut it.

The President couldn't keep from smirking when

he thought back to the day when he first told

Tony to bend over and accept the banana.

Eyewitnesses at the scene have confirmed that an

apparition of Pope Benedict did appear in a window

in Poland yesterday. Plans are now being made to

turn the window into a holy shrine.

The Chapel of Bones in Evora, Portugal, was

constructed by Franciscan monks using the

bones of some 5,000 people. Based on current

estimates, eight of these could be built from

the bones of the people killed in Iraq since the

U. S. invasion in March, 2003.

Blair and Bush March in Lockstep Through

the Hall of Egomania

Yesterday's News Today

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

According to research conducted in England

by a scientist, a philosopher, and a chicken

farmer, the correct answer is: "Neither."

The rooster came first.

When he completes his term as Vice President,

Dick Cheney will live out his remaining years

at his recently-acquired retirement home,

Dracula's Castle.

The owl couldn't keep from making a spectacle of itself.

London Mothers 'Powerpramming'

As Bush and Blair blathered, Josh muffled a yawn,

and Condi caught some Z's.

Apostle of Freeganism takes time out for

a bit of dumpster diving.

World Cup Fan Fighting Heart Disease

Pure D Cowgirl

Dennis Hastert's Dog Won't Hunt

Kenny Boy Convicted on Six Counts of Passing Gas and Four

Counts of Being the Dumbest-Looking Guy in the Room

In his plea for leniency, Jeffrey Skilling is expected to tell

the judge he suffers from rolling blackouts.

Deputy Secretary of State Robert Zoellick couldn't

make up his mind. "Should I quit if I don't get

appointed Secretary of the Treasury? Should I

go to work for Merrill Lynch? Should I remain in

my current position? Or should I accept the offer

from Hair Club to do infomercials?"

Janet Jackson Undergoes Airbrush Surgery,

Loses 60 Pounds!

On his last day as Prime Minister of Japan,

Junichiro Koizumi exclaimed,

"ELVIS IS IN THE BUILDING!!!"

The Buddha was happy to hear that Representative
 Dennis Hastert is "in the mix" of a Congressional 
bribery investigation.

In an effort to raise the libido level of white Americans,

Fox News Network's John Gibson has announced that his

Sex Theme Park will be opening in July 2006.

"What's for dinner tonight, honey?"

"Well, it's either chili or chili or chili or chili or chili or chili?"

"Hmmmmm ... I think I'll have some chili."

Judge Simon Cowell to Preside in Trial of Texas Man

Accused of Refusing to Watch American Idol