Saturday, June 22, 2013

"I hate to butt in on your conversation, but the plural
 of Attorney-General is not Attorney-Generals; it's 
Food Network Drops Paula Deen Like an E. Coli-
Contaminated Lady's Brunch Burger
Snowden Charged with Stealing Truth in NSA Case
Keep your fingers crossed that pigs never
learn to fly.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Paula Deen has cancelled an appearance on The Today
Show, saying that it conflicted with her appearance on
The Yesterday Show.

Ungrateful Immigrants

So, Rafael Cruz, Ted Cruz's dad, fought on the side of 
Fidel Castro during the Cuban Revolution and then 
bribed an official in the anti-Communist Batista 
government---a U. S. ally in 1957---in order to get 
an exit permit so that he could come to the United 
States on a four-year student visa and study at the
 University of Texas.  While at the University, Rafael
 met and married Eleanor Darragh, a woman from 
Delaware of Italian and Irish descent.  After graduation, 
Rafael and Eleanor moved to Alberta, Canada, 
where he worked in the oil business and became a 
Canadian citizen.  (Rafael didn't become an American
 citizen until 2005, 48 years after he emigrated from Cuba.) 
During their years as Canadian residents, Rafael 
and Eleanor became the parents of now-Senator Ted 
Cruz in 1970 and, four years later, were granted 
political asylum in the U. S. and moved back to Texas. 
How ironic, then, that the junior Senator from 
the Lone Star State is such an ardent opponent
of a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

"Hmmm, how many terror plots will I have to claim the
 NSA has disrupted before the American people start 
believing anything I say?"
'Spanking for Jesus' Before It Became a Facebook 
Fad Like 'Planking', 'Owling', and 'Porting'
There are the unemployed who become
cynical, there are unemployed cynics, 
and there are employed cynics.  All of
 these cynics have one thing in common:  
they don't trust their fellow human beings.
  And since they don't trust their fellow
human beings, they tend to become 
paranoid, because everyone is 
conspiring against them.  Yes,
"cynicism is the smoke that rises
from the ashes of burned-out
Truth in Advertising #5
Truth in Puritan Advertising
"Swamp Thing lies!  Predator is NOT my bastard son!"
Please be advised that if you tell Swamp Thing 
he looks a lot like The Thing from Another 
World, he may go all real estate on your ass.
Was today the day for Beer Pong or Hash Tag?
He couldn't remember.
Roger Ailes Announces Fox News to Change Name to
'Mayberry Gardens Center for Assisted Media Hack
To all those who wish to deep throat the
Governor of Maine, please don't forget
 the Vaseline.
Things have not ended well for some of Arizona's best-
known anti-immigrationists.  JT Ready (shown here) 
was the perpetrator of a multiple murder/suicide.  
Shawna Forde is now on death row for murdering
 two Latinos. Christopher Allen Simcox has been 
arrested on suspicion of molesting three girls 
under the age of ten.  Xenophobia is apparently a 
symptom of mental disorders fifty fathoms deep.
Candid Gamera
Kurtz Takes His Heart of Darkness to Fox
Jonathan Matusitz, a University of Central Florida
professor, has been accused of "anti-Muslim bigotry
 and hostility in the form of hate speech toward Islam 
and Muslims," as well as blatant shilling for the açaí 
juice industry.
"Conor Friedersdorf is my BFF!"
John Cornyn, the minority whip and #2 ranking 
Republican in the Senate, collected $65,383 in 
public retirement benefits in 2012 in addition 
to his $174,000 salary as a U.S. Senator.  Those 
public retirement benefits are for Big Bad John's 
four years of service on a county court and six 
years of service on the Texas Supreme Court. 
How's that for triple-dipping?  Not bad for 
taxes-hating teabagger, is it?
Senator Mike Lee, the Greatest Constitutional Scholar 
to Come Out of Utah Since the Mountain Meadows 
Massacre of 1857
“What do you think that gesture means, the way Mika is
 touching that water bottle?"
What does Christopher Allen Simcox do
when he's not not founding the Minuteman
Civil Defense Corps or running in the 
Republican Party primary in Arizona for
the U. S. Senate?  That's right:  he does
his Chester the Molester impression.
"Smile!  You're on This Is Your FBI's Candid Camera!"
Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #504
Tom Emmer

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Wouldn't owning a remote-controlled, truck-mounted
 radiation death-ray be covered by the Second Amendment?
Warm Scuzzies #403
New York University
"The NSA is averting terrorist attacks faster than 
can keep up with them.  It's 50 now and it'll probably 
be double that number by next week."
"My fellow banksters:  put ten or more accounts into 
foreclosure and I'll give you a gift card to either Target 
or Bed Bath and Beyond."
This is the face of the Surveillance State
and it's not pretty.
This is the face of today's GOP 
and it's not pretty.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

"I think people who use marijuana all the time lose their
 drive to live in Kentucky and become an eye doctor
 like me.”
James Taranto is one of those lucky males whose
sexuality will never be in danger of being
Baked Alaska

Half-Baked Alaska
If you make one more snarky remark about 
Dr. Burgess and onanistic unborns, 
Professor Althouse will put you in the 
Timeout Zone for the remainder of  
Summer School.
Rightbloggers and Other 
Internet Biohazards #138
What's Wrong with the World
Not just male fetuses masturbate, Dr. Burgess.
Have you ever wondered why so many sperm
wear glasses?
Nate Silver Pricks John Harris's 
Beltway Bubble---Again
These guys sure look like they could use a
Happy Meal.
"I don't smoke pot because I really can't afford to
lose any IQ points."
Is Barack Obama Dick Cheney Lite? 
 Judge for yourself.
Little Known Fact #39
Representative Michael Burgess (R-TX) believes twin
male fetuses engage in synchronized onanism.
Perspective Is Everything
"No, I've never considered
blepharoplasty.  Why do
you ask?"

Monday, June 17, 2013

Oxymorons for Our Time #155
Secret Court
"Is, uh, ... Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, 
know whatahmean, nudge nudge, wink wink, know 
whatahmean, say no more?"
If God is omnipotent and omnipresent, how could
government not be God?
Arm the Free Syrian Army homeboys, Mr. President!
It's time to grow a new Osama bin Laden.