Saturday, August 30, 2008

Cindy McCain's 'I Am Offended' Campaign Crosses Atlantic,
Takes Root in Fertile English Soil
Asked what qualified her to be commander-in-chief, the Republican
vice-presidential nominee said she had a lot of experience riding
shotgun in a lime-green 1970 Barracuda with a Mopar 440 Big Block.
Fearguth's Rules of Order #17
It is considered to be the height of rudeness to use the
expression, "I don't give a rat's ass!" if one happens to be
eating a slice of watermelon nearby.
If you've ever done a little housecleaning, you've doubtless
come across the remains of an insect long dead. It's just a
dessicated husk, nothing more than an exoskeleton, extra
crispy and lighter than a feather. Ted Stevens looks a whole
lot like that, even though some Alaskans claim he's still alive.
"Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. How would you like
it if a hockey mom was picked as your replacement?"
World's Worst Jobs #87
Jakartan Bottled Liquor Destroyer
Neanderthal Meets Cro-Magnon While Mad
Paleoanthropologist Looks On
Isn't People magazine the one with all of the
celebrities in it?
Heretofore, Bullwinkle had been an undecided independent
 voter.  But with all of Sarah Palin's talk of moosemeat stew, 
he was definitely now leaning Obama.
The Day George Bush Finally Swallowed His Pride
As mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 8,000), Sarah Palin gained
invaluable executive experience, especially when she had to
manage all the ruffians down at the Mug-Shot Saloon.
"I 'hate' my yellow teeth."

Rush Limbaugh is boasting "we're the ones with a babe on the
ticket." Well, she knows how to make the men around her
horny, that's for sure!

Friday, August 29, 2008

"As I understand, Governor Palin, you disagree with
how Dan Quayle spells 'potato'. Does he agree with
how you spell 'happy'?"
"Unlike Barack Obama, when I picked my running mate,
I put my country first!"
If John McCain is elected President, Vice President Sarah
is expected to be his go-to person on the issues of
hunting, women's basketball,
beauty pageants, ice fishing,
snowmobiling, fashion photography, float plane maintenance,

and mooseburger grilling.
Hottest Governor from Coldest State Joins Forces
with Coldest Senator from Hottest State

Palin Nomination Galvanizes Polar Bear Opposition
Venus in Furs
"Todd, honey, your Bullwinkle Burger's getting cold!"
Gore Compares Obama to Abraham Lincoln
At first it was thought the pen was marred by a grammatical error.
Then it was learned that a word had been accidentally omitted
after 'Student's': the word, 'Grandpa'.
While sitting on her grizzly bear throw, Governor Palin
explained that she opposed listing the polar bear as
a threatened species because she needed one to use
as a rug in front of her fireplace.
“As for that V.P. talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer
that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly
that the Vice President does every day?"
John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate is seen
by some observers as a shrewd maneuver to shore up his sagging
support among salmon fishermen.
More Than 166,000 People in Dayton
Unaware Michael Palin Isn't Vice
Presidential Nominee's Father
Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska and John McCain's running
mate, has been praised by Fred Barnes for being a politician
with "eye-popping integrity" (journalese for "Nice Hooters!").
"Is the convention over yet?"
Among his many qualifications to be a correspondent for the
Associated Press was Charles Babington's uncanny ability to
analyze and critique Barack Obama's speeches even before
he heard them.
Meanwhile, the mood in the McCain camp was subdued.
"Just wait till you hear my speech in Denver. It's gonna
peel the bark off your honky ass!"

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Unexpurgated Bible #15
"To the angel of the Church of the Political Independents and
Undecided Voters, write: 'These are the words of the Amen, the
faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know
your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were
either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither
hot nor cold—I am about to spew you out of my mouth'."
GOP VP Watchers on High Alert
Deep inside John McCain's brain, Free Radicals were attacking
Stable Molecules in the only way they knew how: by stealing
Electrons and turning them into Ichabod Mudds.
Why is it 'lips' sounds so innocent while 'labia' sounds
so sinful? Do you think the Romans knew something
we don't?
Encouraged by the positive responses of their viewers to body
language experts and handwriting analysts, the cable news
networks began to employ augurs, who could, based on the
study of the flight of birds, divine the hidden meaning of
a politician's rhetoric and behavior.
Asked to explain the expression, 'ass over elbows',
she decided to answer by using a little body language.
Botanists Identify New Sonoran Desert Shrub:
the Prickly McCain
Blogger Arrested Over Leak to Robert Novak of McCain's VP Pick
Trying to teach the Kosovans to sing in perfect harmony
may be the real thing, but it's also a trademark violation.
"These are not hubristic Greek columns I'm speaking in front
of, my friends. These are humble American columns!"
Recently-Declassified Photograph #8
President Sets New Olympic Jackoff Record
Logoman Breaks Through the Autoerotic Barrier
"Of course I'm full of bull! What do you think I am---
a frickin' pussycat?"

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

American Empire #36
Military Keynesianism
The Presidential Race So Far
Famous Sidekicks

Gabby Hayes



John McCain