Saturday, October 18, 2008

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Real Virginia.
Nancy Pfotenhauer Insults Northern Virginia, Falsely
Claims It Has Seceded from the Confederacy
And then Jesus said, "In my Father's house are many mansions;
if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place
for you where promises of tax cuts occur every election cycle,
or every two years, whichever comes first."
Were all the bullshit sucked out of our planet, its mass
would be reduced to the point the Earth would start
orbiting the Moon.
"Yes, yes, I confess: I'm a douchenozzle! Jesus Christ, I'll even
believe in God and endorse Barack Obama for President. Just
don't baptize me again!"
"When I'm not celebrating Papuan independence, I'm a New
Guinean economist who's been following the presidential race
in the U. S. very closely for the past two years. What I've been
hearing from candidates in both political parties is 'Lower
Taxes On....Suspend Tax Rules That....Accelerate The Tax
Write-Off For....Reduce Capital Gains Taxes For....Eliminate
Taxes On....', et cetera. So here's what I'd like to know. Given
the fact that the national debt of the U. S. now exceeds
$10 trillion and the budget deficit for the fiscal year just passed
was almost $500 billion, isn't talk of more tax cuts rather, shall
we say, uncivilized?"
When he began speaking to over 100,000 unreal,
unpatriotic, anti-Americans in the worst part of the
United States--St. Louis, Missouri--all Barack Hussein
Obama could say was "Wow!" (in Swahili).
Does drinking alcohol shrink your brain? Sometimes.
"I believe, Charlie, that the best of America is in small 
towns that I get to visit, and in those wonderful little
 pockets of what I call the real America, being 
there with all of those hard working, very patri-
otic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this 
great nation.  That's why I can hardly wait to enter 
New York City, that hotbed of anti-Americanism, 
and appear on Saturday Night Live. And, thanks
to Senator Ted Stevens, the show will be piped 
into Wasilla through the Internet tube you see behind us."
"Very frankly, John doesn't give a damn about an old
unrepentant terrorist like William Ayers. But he does give
a damn about an old unrepentant felon like G. Gordon Liddy."
"No, ladies, Obama is not an Arab. He's a decent person
you don't have to be scared of."

Friday, October 17, 2008

According to the 2000 Census, Dellview, North Carolina,
is the smallest incorporated municipality in the United
States. With a population of only 10 people, it has to be,
according to Sarah Palin's standard, the most real, most
pro-American pocket of patriotism from sea to shining sea.
Looking back on the night he announced his presidential
candidacy on the David Letterman Show, John McCain said,
"I screwed up. What can I say? What can I say?"
"At those times on the campaign trail when
sometimes it's easy to get a little bit discouraged,
 when, you know, when you happen to turn on
the Rachel Maddow Show when your cam-
paign staffers will let you turn on something
other than Fox News. Usually, they're like 'Oh
my gosh, don't watch. You're going to, you
know you're going to get depressed.'"
The day when John McCain started putting his head in 'air 
quotes' was the day satire, sarcasm, irony, and euphemism 
took one step forward and two steps back.
Russian Prime Minister Creates Blog, Calls It InstaPutin
Gabe Gross, the Most Recent Victim
of Osmotic Suction
Leonardo DiCaprio's Lying Eyes Eyeing Lies
Matt Drudge Finding It Harder and Harder to
'Drive the Narrative' These Days
World's Richest Man Says, "Buy American Stocks. I Am!"
"Other than the fact that you're not a plumber, your name
isn't Joe, and you don't make $250,000 a year, is there
anything else you would like to tell us before your fifteen
minutes of fame run out?"
Cartoon Angela Merkel Showered with Funny Money Whilst
Holding a Bag of Bildung, of Which This Blog Consists

Women playing video poker? No.
Investors monitoring stock prices? Yes.
Same difference.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

"Who cares if Joe's not really a plumber? I've got flares to burn
for all the brave men who courageously unclog our drains and
keep out toilets flushing! And, dammit, I'm gonna burn 'em!"
Students of body language are of two minds regarding 
John McCain's propensity for sticking out his tongue. 
Those who incline toward a medical explanation say 
it's a symptom of Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. 
But those who incline toward an aesthetic explanation
 say it's a natural reaction to the vomitous colors of 
Cindy's outfits.
In yet another instance of what political strategists call
'deniable plausibility', Sarah Palin said today that "we
shouldn’t worry about government having enough money;
the government has plenty of money."
"Now that I've answered your question about my tax cut
plan, I have a question for you, Joe. I'm in the process of
replacing the showerhead in my bathroom, and I'm trying
to decide between a Delta Faucet with Magnatite Docking
and a Moen Inspire Five Function Wallmount. As a plumber,
what would you recommend?"
John McCain Demonstrating How Barack Obama's Method
for Measuring White House Drapes Is All Wrong
"The next President won’t have time to get used to the office. He
won’t have the luxury of studying up on the issues before he acts.
That's why you should elect me. I never study up on the issues
before I act!"
Seether for the Young

Seether for the Old
Got leaks?
Joe the Plumber,

Liddy the Plumber.
As Barack waved to the crowd, the Wayback Machine snapped,
crackled, and popped before finally lurching off the stage.
"Hmmm, I'm seventy-one now. Judging by Senator McCain's
performance in tonight's debate, seventy-two must be the
age when Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall."
This is George Bush.

This is John McCain.

This is why people often confuse the two.

Senator McCain's effort to link Barack Obama to the Killer
Rabbit of Caerbannog turned out to be something of a
Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher backs Senator McCain, but,
unfortunately, he's never had time this year to register to vote.
McCain Gives Tantalizing Glimpse of How
He Will Balance the Budget in Four Years

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

As Dwight Moody once said, "The best way to show that a stick is
crooked is not to denounce or talk about it, but to lay a perfectly
straight stick alongside it."
Secretary Paulson did a quick check to make sure all members
of his Wall Street Rescue Unit were present. Jabberwock was 
there, as were Jubjub Bird, Mimsy Borogove, and Slithy Tove. 
But where oh where were Mome Rath and Frumious 
What if soldiers from Iraq were to force their way into your
family's home and search for weapons? You'd cry, too.
New Department of Defense Guidelines Prohibit 
Waterboarding, Use of Dogs---but Not Dogs 
Waterboarding or Waterboarding Dogs
Bottom Drops Out of Market for 'Drill Baby Drill!' T-Shirts
Things Older Than John McCain #17
Ray Moon, Octogenarian Bodybuilder
Congressman Tim Mahoney (D-FL), who was cheating on his
wife, was also having an affair with a third woman, thereby
cheating on his mistress.
"And that's why I believe William Ayers is 
Christopher Buckley's real father, not 
William F. Buckley, Jr., the founder of 
National Review."