Saturday, March 16, 2013

"Damn! I can't wait a whole year for the next CPAC!
My species only lives for three weeks and I was born 
John McCain now says it was 'inappropriate' for him
to call Ted Cruz and Rand Paul 'Wacko Birds' and
to tell them, "Go to time-out!"
Palin Pulls a Rubio
Lady Liberty-Loving Soda Drinker
Cliff Kincaid, who believes Barack Obama's real father
 was an Hawaiian communist named Frank Marshall
 Davis, has been described as "a pasty, jowly, narrow-
eyed activist."  That sounds about right.
Big Bigots, Little Bigots #17
Matthew Heimbach
Old Men with Guns #1
Jimmy Lee Dykes
Mitt Romney Enjoys Final Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Ina Drew Sez:  "JPMorgan Chase's $6.2 billion trading
loss wasn't my fault; I was just the Chief Investment
Officer overseeing trading strategy."
[Speaking in the passive voice,
"Mistakes were made."]

Friday, March 15, 2013

Louie Gohmert believes that just one week before the
 North Vietnamese were ready to capitulate and 
declare Unconditional Surrender, the people in 
Washington decided that the United States would 
surrender instead.  
[Those who misremember the past
 are condemned to repeat it.]
When asked if he’d accept a society where African-
Americans were permanently subservient to whites, 
Scott Terry, a CPAC particpant, said, “I’d be fine 
with that.”
'Thumbs Up' traditionally translates as the foulest of 
gesticular insults in some Middle Eastern 
countries — the most straightforward 
interpretation is "Up yours, pal!" 
[Rick Perry evidently has two pals.]
Deacon Perry Embraces Pastor Jeffress After
Disfellowshipping John McCain and Mitt
Romney at CPAC
Rand Paul just may have a point about John McCain
being 'stale and moss-covered'.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

"Oh my God, for a moment there, I thought I was
a Texan!"
"No, I'm not an old maid because
I have a Glock hidden in my
 vagina.  That's just an urban 
What a surprise it was when the Chancellor of Germany
turned out to be the real Petunia Pig, not Gretchen
Carlson of Fox News, as had been widely supposed.
"Oh, don't mind us.  We're just a pile of anti-American 
propaganda you've probably already forgotten about."
"I'm here to wreak vengeance on anyone who dares 
to make a mathematical pun on 'National Pie Day'."
Why isn't there some sort of prize, like a Pulitzer or
a Nobel, for ammo?
If you have a hard time remembering Carrie Prejean's
name, you might consider using a mnemonic, like
 'Former Miss California with a Subsidized Boob Job'.
Carpool, Standard-Size

Carpool, Olympic-Size
Carl Jung-Un, the Son

Carl Old-Un, the Father
In a little over a week, Steven Tyler
will turn 65 and, thanks to the 
Hawaiian legislature, he will be
 able to walk around naked in his
Maui backyard without fear of a 
papparazo taking and then
publishing pictures of him that
 prove he now looks like a fairly
well-preserved old lady.
"Believe me, Pootie-Poot, Sheriff Joe is not nearly
 as tough as you are."
McDonald's new 'Egg White Delight' sounds about as
 upchuckingly tasty as Jack-in-the-Box's 'Hot Mess'.
Maybe a dick, but not a Cheney.
Diamond Dog Democrats Purchase
$10.5 Million NYC Crib
Pope Francis Rumored to Be a Very Popular DJ/Producer 
with the Midnight Mass Crowd
If, as Politico says, Chris Christie and Bob McDonnell
are 'Republican rock stars of 2009', where, pray tell,
are their guitars?
"Help me!  My fingers are like spiderlegs!"
Since 1983, the Family Research Council has been 
saying:  "Society never gave young people the 
right to engage in sex outside of marriage. 
Functioning societies don’t do that, they stop
 it, they punish it, they corral people, they 
shame people, they do whatever."  We should 
be thankful.  Had the FRC existed in the Middle
 Ages, it would have been opposed to sex 
inside of marriage as well.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

New Pope Said to Be Very Frank
North Korean Ambassador at Vatican, 
Hawking Gambling Site
Warm Scuzzies #377
Jennifer Carroll
Imagine James Clapper, Director of National Intelligence,
singing 'Put on a Happy Face'.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

"Why, of course, the celebration of Jesus 
Christ's nativity is the centerpiece of 
my faith.  Can't you tell?"
Hey, Stacey Campfield!  National Napping Day was
Sarah Palin Celebrates Victory in NYC for 
the Statue of Liberty-Loving Soda Drinkers
"What's that?"
"It calls itself 'Paul Ryan's Budget'."
"Oh, just another mythological creature."

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Doomsday Prepper was ready when a judge blocked 
New York City's limit on big sugary drinks. 
World's Worst Jobs #131
Bangladeshi Chemical Drum Recycler
Wayne LaPierre Celebrates National Napping Day
Have you ever wondered where they get
Landshark Lager?

Well, wonder no more.
Giant Mosquitoes May Strike Florida

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Rand Paul Leads GOP into the
Night of the Long Knives
"Eat you?  No way, man!  My doctor told me to 
cut back on fatty snacks."