Bid farewell to Susan Ralston, the gal on the left.

She's been very tight with both Jack Abramoff and

Karl Rove. According to the New York Times, Susan

has just booked a one-way flight on Adios Airlines.

In the aftermath of Masturgate and with the mid-term

elections just a month away, it's important for Republicans

to maintain party discipline, whatever it takes.

Based on recent fossil finds, we now have reason to believe

it wasn't a 'dog-eat-dog' world in the seas off the coast of

prehistoric Spitzbergen. It was more of a 'monster-

fish-like-reptile-eats-a-plesiosaur' world.

If he ever loses the cow vote in Illinois,

Denny Hastert will be history.

'Spit-and-polish' isn't just an abstract concept

in the Zambian army.

Although this pot smoker will eventually die from something,

new research shows it won't be from Alzheimer's disease.

William Lipscomb, winner of the 1976 Nobel

Prize in Chemistry, demonstrates the correct

technique for breaking pasta.

Sources at Comedy Central have confirmed that Dennis

Hastert's theory suggesting the Foley scandal had been

orchestrated by ABC News, Democratic political operatives

aligned with the Clinton White House, and liberal activist

George Soros, originated with Jon Stewart of The Daily Show.

Presidential Candidate Announces Major Media

Buy for 2008 Campaign

Said Paul Ryan, Republican Representative from Wisconsin: "You are

seeing a rally-around-the-Speaker effort more than anything else."

Silly Cone Breasts

The cow didn't approve of the way President Chirac

was feeling her up.

Hannibal Crosses the Charles,

Invades Pottersville

They pried the grenade from his cold, dead hand.

Chicken Chic

What Karl Rove Looked Like Before He Lost His Hair

and Started Wearing Glasses

The new Albert Einstein robot is quite charming,

but it can't explain the Special Theory of Relativity

any better than its namesake could.

First there was the black widow spider. Now

arachnidologists tell us there is a brown widow

spider. Do you think they will ever discover a

white widow spider?

Someone once said that mankind is a disease.

If that's true, here is one of the symptoms:

Kim Jong Il.

"Ultimately, the buck stops here, especially during

rutting season."

Mark Foley Before Rehab

Mark Foley After Rehab

Pi Chart

The Three Warning Signs of Impending Disaster

John Shimkus, Republican Congressman from Illinois

and head of the House page board, asks a rhetorical

question: “What else do you want me to do? Take

off my shirt and give myself 40 lashes?"

You may have wondered who the guy was

who outed one of the victims of Mark Foley.

His name is William 'Wild Bill' Kerr, he blogs

at Passionate America, and this is what he

looks like. Send him some mail.

"Of course I'm not too young to vote! Elephants

are never too young to vote."

Tom Reynolds, Republican Congressman

from New York, couldn't believe his chief of

staff, Kirk Fordham, had resigned. "He wasn't

nearly as corrupt as me," Tom thought. "Is

there no justice in this world?"

George Smoot, co-winner of the 2006 Nobel Prize

in Physics, uses pantomime to explain the

masturbatory aspect of the Big Bang Theory

of the Universe.

Republicans now claim their fortunes were reversed

after Democrats started monkeying around with the

Yin and the Yang.

There's one thing no one denies: Dennis Hastert

really does fill the Halls of Congress.

Were it possible to capture, in a human face, the essence

of a normal person's attitude toward politicians, this

might be it.

The resignation of Kirk Fordham, Tom Reynold's chief of

staff, was mucho delicioso. Just ask this cocker spaniel.

"Now that you mention it, Congressman Boehner's skin is

the same color as Butternut Looseleaf chewing tobacco."

"Hey, Mark, gimme some skin! I hear you are gay,

a sexual predator, an alcoholic, mentally ill, and

a savvy Internet user. You really should consider

becoming the poster boy for 'Big Tent Republicanism'."

Psychiatrists have had to invent a new term

to describe unconsummated pedophilia. They

call it 'pedofoleya'.

In some parts of the world, ugly people

are required to wear masks.

The campaign against anorexic models

may be going a bit too far.

Let us now quell the foolish talk about throwing

Dennis Hastert under the bus. Hell, his head

alone is too big to fit under there.

As the Impregnable City of Bush slept, the Volcano

of Forgotten Yesterdays began to erupt.

Things change. It used to be that

the opposite of true was false. Now

the opposite of true is Rove.

GOP Chefs Preparing Sacrificial Lamb as Atonement

for the Transgressions of Mark Foley

After the Great Foley Washout, the road to

victory for the Republican Party in November

has become much more problematic.

Red State Lemmings Moments Before They

Plunged Over the Republican Party Cliff

As these Bolivian farmers will attest, big wheels

will always run over you if they get half a chance.

"OK, OK, we'll call it a draw!"

President Bush was taken aback when the

White House press corp handed him a

shovel and said, "We're tired of shoveling

your bullshit, Mr. President. You can do it

yourself from now on."

As John Boehner has learned, you should never let

Dennis Hastert sneak up on you from behind.

What is it about Dennis Hastert's face that seems

to epitomize today's Republican Party?

What happened yesterday in Nickel Mines,

Pennsylvania, makes it easier to understand

why people believe the Devil exists.