"It's just Ketchup, I tell you, just Ketchup!" exclaimed the 

Heinz 57 Flagellant.

"Feeling more ascetic these days? Inclined toward
self-mortification? How does self-flagellation
sound? Well, why not try my lashes?"

Having descended to the Second Circle of Hell

(with seven more to go), Irving Kristol, the founder

of neoconservatism, is already beginning to doubt

whether fathering Bill was a good idea.