Entire United States Now Suffering from

Mercury Poisoning

Mercury was the god of financial gain, trickery, and 

thieves, as well as the guide of souls to the underworld.

Modern-Day Cupid Eschews Bow and Arrow

in Favor of 12 Gauge Shotgun

"He claims he's Chris Christie's Valentine."

Mercury poisoning is a known cause of the 

Perez-Hilton Syndrome.

"Good Godamighty, Cupid, not now!"

Janus of the Lazer Helmets