"Good morning, Mr. Phelps, your mission, should 

you decide to accept it . . ."

Like the Common Loon, Michael Phelps looks much

better in the water.

Rich Iott, the Waffen-SS re-enactor, plans to

campaign this weekend with John Boehner,

the Republican House Minority Leader and

well-known Michael Phelps re-enactor.

Another indicator of Michael Phelps'

overall self-sufficiency is the fact that

he can pat himself on the back.

Visa, Kellogg's, Speedo, and AT&T Donate

Ashtray to Michael Phelps

"Your mission, should you decide to accept it, Mr. Phelps,

is to win fourteen Olympic gold medals, to make a centrillion

dollars in product endorsements, to not huff a bong on camera,

and to give me a light."

Phelps Bongs Himself, His Eyes Get That Glassy Look

Michael Phelps Declares Statehood; Wins More Olympic

Gold Medals Than the Entire Axis of Evil

World Record: Dude Dives 12 Inches into 35 Feet of Water

Michael Phelps Wins World Freestyle Splashing Competition

From his reaction, you would think Michael Phelps had

never seen a butterfly before.