"Oy vey, I didn't suffer six broken ribs and pleural effusion 

from 'landscaping issues'!"

Roger Goodell Sez:  "Simply put, we have to do better.  

And we will."

[As soon as he recovers from his latest concussion.]

"So, Secretary Gates, did I hear you say that you injured your

arm while trying to find your ass with both hands and a map,

not before or after?"

Reigning NBA MVP Kobe Bryant will not have surgery on his

right pinkie, because it would keep him from casting magic

spells for too long.