"Probing Uranus Is Our Best Shot to Find Dark Matter"

[100% Real Daily Beast Headline]

The Uranus Examiner has ceased publication, forced 

out of circulation by prudish Missourians who didn't

 know our English word, 'Uranus', is the transliteration

 of the Greek word, 'ouranos', which is translated as 

'Heaven' 268 times in the King James Version of the

 Holy Bible.

It takes Uranus 84 times as long to

revolve around the Sun as it does

the Earth. Think of it: if we lived

on Uranus, most of us would still

be wearing diapers.

The Five Rings of Uranus

Yep, astronomers have discovered another goddammed

ring around Uranus. You just gotta scrub a little harder.

According to Entertainment Weekly,

Howard Stern is superduper pissed that

the Sirius Radio satellite has been aimed

in the wrong direction, and, as a result,

his 4 million listeners are from Uranus.