Only Gosar fans have the secret decoder

ring needed to reveal the mystery.

"Mouthpush the Digit Loop, Flunky!"

"2016 GOPers Will Be Kissing Steve King's Bathtub Ring 

This Weekend"

Chris Christie Meets Privately with Sheldon Adelson to Kiss 

His Ring in the Casino Mogul’s Office in The Venetian

Putin Denies Stealing Patriots Owner's Bathtub Ring

Using an antique Ovaltine Secret Decoder Ring,

scientists are now one step closer to being

 able to decipher our thoughts.

"I wake up every morning with large breasts," Meghan

McCain writes, "and it doesn’t affect me."  Kris Humphries

wakes up with large breasts, too, but it does affect him.

Just ask Kim Kardashian to show you her $2 million

engagement ring.

"What? You're not going to kiss my ring?"

The Five Rings of Uranus

You hear a report that "Governor X has died from a

heart attack while hiking the Appalachian Trail." Using

your Ovaltine Secret Decoder Ring, you learn that the

report can be deciphered as "Governor X has died from

an Oxycontin overdose while screwing his mistress."

It really didn't matter that Levi's 'Promise Ring' was

a press-on tattoo he found in a box of Cap'n Crunch.

He only needed it until the day after the election.

Sarko the Giant's Wedding Ring to Be Used

as France's First Bitchslapping Arena

It's true, folks! Posh Spice does wear a secret decoder ring.

If you've never had the opportunity to kiss the Pope's ring,

now's your chance.

Yep, astronomers have discovered another goddammed

ring around Uranus. You just gotta scrub a little harder.