According to the Washington Post, General David Petraeus has

assembled a small band of 'warrior-intellectuals' to advise him

in an eleventh-hour effort to reverse the downward trend in

the Iraq War. General Petraeus, who swears he still believes

in Santa Claus, says he found them under the Christmas tree

last December, along with an Erector Set, some Silly Putty, a

Red Ryder BB Gun, and a canister of Lincoln Logs.

Unlike his predecessor, Donald Rumsfeld, who was cold

and arrogant, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is warm

and humble when he says you're a traitor if you don't

support the troops by sending more of them to die in Iraq.

These Functional Magnetic Resonance Images (fMRI) show

what parts of your brain were destroyed if you watched the

Superbowl commercials on Sunday for Doritos and

Emerald Nuts. The snacks themselves only help to

clog your arteries and destroy your heart.

First it was a Jug of Janet Jackson at the Superbowl.

Now it's Prince Everhard of the Netherlands.

Nudists exist to remind us why clothing was invented.

And it wasn't to protect our bodies from the weather.

If this is the best a man can get, why go to all the trouble of

becoming rich and famous, like Roger Federer, Thierry Henry,

or Tiger Woods? Hell, you can buy a can of Gillette Foamy for $1.49.

"As we all know, the Iraqi insurgents are very timid,

so we mustn't do anything to embolden them, such

as refusing to send in more troops."

Bipolar bears are sometimes elated, sometimes depressed

by global warming.

Right before he bit his index finger, Justice Lou

Costello exclaimed, ""I'm a baaaad boy!"

General David Petraeus, commander of Multinational

Force Iraq, has a Ph.D. in international relations from

Princeton University. The title of his dissertation was

The American Military and the Lessons of Vietnam.

He's now doing research on a sequel, The American

Military and the Lessons of Iraq.

You just have to believe there are moments when a Ridley

sea turtle wonders, "Is this all there is?"

"Hi! I'm Katherine Harris, and I give good head to devout

Christian men. Give me a call. My number's on the card."

According to a senior White House official, a

plot by four friends of Osama bin Laden--three

Republicans and one Democrat--to plant an

Improvised Resolution Device in the United States

Senate has been foiled.

Relax! Those are only toy guns the

Ugandan boys are toting. Besides,

they have carry permits.

“If I were a Sunni extremist and was worried, which I would be,

about a doubling of U.S. forces in Baghdad, what would I do?

I would try to convey an impression of chaos. Of course, I'm

not an extremist. I am just a neoconservative trying to convey

a fair-and-balanced impression of incoherence.”

Advances in cyborg technology have made it harder and

harder to tell a machine from a human being. But the

eyes of a cyborg are still a dead giveaway that you're

looking at something synthetic and unnatural.

"Let that be a lesson to ya, bitch! Don't let me ever again

hear you insinuate that I buy my drawers at Dollar Tree!"

"Praise Allah, and pass the ammunition!"

Iditarod Great Sled Race in 2050

Uh-oh. A new baby Moses has shown up among the

bullrushes. But in Indonesia, not in Egypt. What

meaneth this?