Russian Mutants Confirm Control of Chernobyl

 Plant, Disagree on Radiation Levels

He had tried several of  the online dating 

services---Bumble, Tinder, OKCupid, eHarmony---

but without success. So now the time had come to

 play the long game.

Push the Uranium One conspiracy theory hard enough

and you become so radioactive you glow in the dark.

Radioactive Boar (Germany)

Radioactive Bore (United States)

"Oh, pay no mind to what you see over my left shoulder.

It's just Harley Brown, a hallucination I have when

I forget to take my potassium iodide for the coming

radioactive apocalypse."

USS Ronald Reagan, the Navy's First Glow-in-the-Dark

Aircraft Carrier

Wouldn't owning a remote-controlled, truck-mounted

 radiation death-ray be covered by the Second Amendment?

The last time Mitt Romney dared to be photographed

with Dick Cheney was 2002.  That was ten years ago,

before Cheney had become more radioactive than

Fukushima.

Our dining choices this week include Fukushima Octopus and

Tifton 85, the genetically-modified bermuda grass

which produces cyanide gas.

"So sorry, ma'am, but your son is not only highly radioactive,

but he will someday strongly resemble Rick Santorum.  And,

I'm afraid, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it."

Japanese authorities are now saying that Blythe Dolls, even

those exposed to 10,000 millisieverts of radiation, will never

equal the destructive power of Godzilla.

Japan Learns What the Sky Looks Like After It Falls

"The operator of Japan's stricken Fukushima nuclear plant said

Tuesday that it had found radioactive iodine at 7.5 million

 times the legal limit in a seawater sample taken near the

facility, and government officials imposed a new health

limit for radioactivity in fish."  In other words, if your

Asian-Style Tilapia Fillet glows in the dark, it would be

inadvisable to eat it.

Q:  Why is Japan dumping 10,000 tons--i. e., 2,000,000

 pounds--of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean?

A:  It needs room to store water that's

even more radioactive.

Q:  What does Japan plan to do with this highly-

radioactive water once it has been stored?

A:  Only one question per day, please.  Japan is

making up answers on a day-to-day basis.

Glowstick Man Sez:  "No need to go to Japan;

Japan is coming to us!"

"Radiation is actually good for you. 

Look what it's done for me."

"As someone who always looks on the bright side of life, 

I could make the case that the earthquake, tsunami,

and radioactive fallout will awaken Japan's struggling

economy and give a boost to Prime Minister Naoto

Kan in the polls.  But, since it's such a nice day, I

think I'll just sing."

"The good news is that William Saletan says we shouldn't give

up on nuclear power, because it's still safer than oil and coal.

The bad news is that William Saletan is a fucking nitwit."

New Rasmussen Poll Finds That 57% of the American
People Would Vote to Replace the Entire Congress
with a Radioactive Waste Dump

Nuclear Family Unconcerned That Their

Granite Countertops Are Radioactive