The Unexpurgated Bible #188

And then he spake unto them, "Being a unicorn, 

I could only be captured by a virgin.  That's why 

my mother wasn't Mary Magdalene."

Inspired by Trump, Farting Unicorn claims 

Executive Privilege.

On Caturday, the rare and precious Unicaterfly 

basked in its own reflected glory.

These are Unicorn Boots.  Wearing them

is what caused Unicorns to become extinct.

Did Ted Cruz's campaign spend $135,000 on his book, 

One Vote Away, or on Radiant Farms Unicorn Meat?

The Next Best Thing to Actually

Owning a Unicorn

"Do I really exist or am I just a mythological 

beast cold-cocked by an existential crisis?"

What Confucius Say to Mike Pompeo

Florida Man Blames Sexual Assault of Two Soft Toys 

on Binge Eating a Party-Size Bag of 

Double Stuf Oreos

Next time you fart, just say, "Hey, I just

exported some freedom gas!"

The clinical term for unicorn poop is 'Mnuchin'.

Little Known Fact #68

Pink Unicorns can reproduce faster than Tribbles.

His Eyes Were on the Prize

John Steele Gordon Impersonating a Capitalist Unicorn

First they came for the heliocentrists, 

and I did not speak out

Then they came for the evolutionists, 

and I did not speak out

Then they came for the climatologists, 

and I did not speak out.

Then they came for the epidemiologists, 

and I did not speak out.

Then they came for the bacteriologists, 

and I did not speak out.

Then I got measles and died.

He stopped believing in mythical animals when the last 

werewolf choked and died while eating the last unicorn.

The Unicorn Whisperer

Normally, unicorns, especially black ones, are very skittish

and won't allow humans to get near them. But this young

woman had cast a spell on the mythical beast when she quoted

a line from Lewis Carroll: "Well, now that we have seen each

other, if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you."

This picture of Senator Joe Biden should be filed in the

same folder containing the photo of President Bush standing

in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner on May 1, 2003.

In case you've forgotten, the label on that folder is Unicorns,

Griffins, Mythological Creatures, and Other Imaginary Beings

.