"Today, I am naming Attorney General Gonzales and Vice

President Cheney as co-chairs of our National Miles of

Smiles Campaign."

"Kid, you did a heckuva job rescuing those children from the

school bus. Oh, by the way, I need someone to lead our nation

to victory in Iraq. Interested?"

"Don't EVER say, 'Hi Yo Silver', when you're riding me!

For your information, greenhorn, the name's

Notorious Margie!"

Litoria Prora, AKA the 'Acne Frog', says the active ingredient

in Proactiv must be the infomercials. "Paulina Rubio, Kelly

Clarkson, and Jessica Simpson really make me jump," it says.

"Somebody get this starving protester a

Ten-Piece Bucket of Extra Crispy. And fast!"

Recently-Declassified Photograph #5

Plan B, General Petraeus' Dog

When you enter the Technicolor Dreamcoat District,

the only limit is your own imagination.

Miss August is now featured in the This Old House annual

swimsuit issue. Look for it in your supermarket checkout

line today.

World's Worst Jobs #51

Pakistani Salt Miner

Woo-Hoo Personals #2

Star Wars Vet Seeks Relationship with Guggenheim Fellow

"What do you mean when you say I'm the biggest

embarassment to women and minorities to come along

since Tawana Brawley?"

In the Augie Doggie vs. Doggie Daddy trial, no one knows

for sure how a cat ended up as foreman of the jury.

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, JPod says he will

defenestrate his iPod, eat a Six Dollar Burger at Carl's Jr.,

play Five Minutes to Kill (Yourself) on [Adult Swim], and

then Simpsonize himself.

A slide purportedly showing Iranian trucks loaded with enriched

uranium has been positively identified as the same slide used by

Colin Powell at the United Nations in February, 2003, to show

Iraqi trucks carrying tainted Chinese pet food across the

Continental Divide.

Woo-Hoo Personals #1

Pink Carnation Seeks Guy in White Sport Coat

"Lady Musgrave was none too pleased when I said her

hat looked like the north end of a horse headed south."

Kashmiri Rock Imports Jump 33% in Second Quarter

Camouflage is essential to a baby giraffe's survival in the wild.

"I can't believe those dumbass Rooskies! Have you heard

they planted their flag under the friggin' North Pole?

Don't they know it's way too cold for anything to grow

down there?"

Be careful what you wish for. All Kermit Cintron wanted

for Christmas, for example, was his two front teeth.