A Target shopper said today she can hardly wait

until the new 18-wheeler carts hit the stores.

When this portrait was painted,

Newt Gingrich was an ardent supporter

of the U. S. invasion of Iraq. He has now

changed his mind, saying the invasion was

a terrible mistake. So when this portrait is

repainted, it will depict a Republican rat

abandoning a sinking ship.

Were Shakespeare alive today, he might have said: "Silvio

Berlusconi now exits stage left, having strutted and fretted

his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. His was

just another tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing."

With civil war in full swing, Iraqi horologists

are working long hours to make sure everyone

gets to the next explosion on time.

President Bush has expressed an interest

in hiring the couturier who currently

works for King Gyanendra of Nepal.

Washington Nationals starting righthander,

Richard 'Duck' Cheney, was booed off the

field in yesterday's season opener after

throwing only one pitch. This set a new record

as the shortest stint for a starter in MLB history.

"I pulled out of my first wife in 1981. I pulled out

of my second wife in 1999. The United States should

follow my example and pull out of Iraq in 2006."

If it's spring, it must be time for gun shows.

Boys Discover Secret Entrance to Cheney Bunker

This picture used to hang in Tom DeLay's office.

Someone noticed the other day it had disappeared,

possibly stolen.

This is before Michelle Malkin

appeared on Extreme Makeover.

This is after.

Romano Prodi Lights Champagne Torch

to Celebrate Italian Election Victory

Turkish Police Introduce New Flying Dog Breed

French Prime Minister Gets the Cheney Treatment

Their keepers claim that if "George Bush" is uttered

anywhere near a chameleon, this is what happens.

Homeless man dreams about the American Dream.

Japanese Premier Koizumi bowed and scraped

extravagantly when he finally got to meet Forrest Gump,

founder of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

You'd better walk the chalk, because it was

revealed today the AFLAC duck moonlights for the NSA.

"Over the past five years, I have succeeded in virtually

depleting the epithet supply of my enemies. I figure

that before I leave office in 2009, they will all be at a

total loss for effective invective."

Outdoor advertisers are convinced this is

the year for the argumentum a posteriori.

If, while you're eating only a small salad for dinner, you 
look at it on the new Samsung 82" TFT-LCD Panel,

you will feel much fuller when you finish.

Lady Liberty made a quick weekend trip to San Diego

for the demonstrations, but she was back on Liberty

Island by early Monday morning.

The vessel in the background, the USS Rumsfeld,

jumped this shark and then promptly sank.

In Palma de Mallorca, they're called

'penitents'. In the United States,

they're called something else.

Fred Hiatt looks colorless in this

picture, but not because it's a

black-and-white photograph. It's

because the object of his affection

has changed his complexion. And

that object is total mediocrity.

When 500,000 demonstrators marched

peacefully in downtown Dallas yesterday,

they were confronted by a counter-protester

originally from Ghana. Astonished by such

brazen hypocrisy, they all turned around

and went home.

Ammo manufacturers must be

making a killing these days.

It appears to be true that this young

woman was struck in the back by

two misguided missiles.

At age 50, Queen Elizabeth II sent her first email.

At age 80, she still hasn't received a reply.

Stoners in Frost Belt states were cheered when they learned

scientists have discovered an 'antifreeze gene' which will allow

grass to grow at temperatures as low as 22 degrees below zero.

The 'new face' of House GOP leadership is

the 'old face' of John Boehner.

In the past, this picture was captioned as 'Turkey Gobbles

Bush'. But that only worked on Thanksgiving Day.

So it has been re-captioned as "Big Bird Lobbies Bush for Big

Bump in Albino Turkey Budget." This caption works year round.

Several months ago, when America's royal couple

played host to England's royal couple, someone

remarked that the way the President's trousers

gathered about his ankles was an indication he

had become the Incredible Shrinking Man for the

twenty-first century.

Do you remember this famous flier from 2003?

Unfortunately, he was shot down over Iraq in

2004, again in 2005, and once more in 2006.

This man is now the Dean of the College of Family,

Home, and Social Sciences at Brigham Young University.

When the documentary, This Divided State, was slated to

be shown on his campus, he tried to stop it, realizing that it

reflected badly on the reddest of the Red States, a state that

still gives President Bush a 55% approval rating, almost twenty

points above the national average. That's the good news.

The bad news is that (1) scientific tests have proved that the

Dean's name and face are perfectly matched, and (2) Jesus'

General is on his case.

When Francis Fukuyama isn't doing his impression

of Sato, the Yakuza psychopath in Black Rain, he

writes scholarly books about, for example, the

intellectual uncleanliness of neoconservatism.

Having succeeded in her campaign to get Playboy and

Penthouse removed from newstands over at Foggy Bottom,

Secretary of State Rice is now contemplating what strategy

would be most effective in getting rid of Maxim, currently

the most popular lad mag in the State Department.

Intelligent design proponents often cite

the human eye as the perfect example

of their theory. Well, if the human eye was

so intelligently designed, why does it

cost $3,000 per eye for LASIK surgery?

This book is bound in human skin. The practice of

binding books in this way, called 'anthropodermic

bibliopegy', was not uncommon at the time of the French

Revolution. Someone has suggested that this practice be

revived and that the unacknowledged borrowing of another's

work should be bound in the plagiarizer's own skin.

Ben Domenech is said to be strongly opposed to this idea.

In China, it is illegal to catch or kill a frog.

It is not illegal to eat one.

It was not widely known that Charlize Theron

is a member of the Grab Ass Girls.

Insiders say Alan Greenspan was replaced as Chairman

of the Federal Reserve Board because he was looking

more and more like a California Raisin.

Wal-Mart Declares Statehood,

Invades Entire World

US Army Corps of Engineers Proposes 100-Mile-Wide

Dam Across the Grand Canyon of Mars

Marco Pontes says that his Brazilian-style

space helmet performed flawlessly during

his extended stay aboard the ISS.

Stairmaster Rove felt another leak coming on,

so he had to move fast.

President Bush has become so keen on the idea

of using sawgrass to make ethanol that he now

carries a few blades with him wherever he goes.

Moviegoers thought it was just

clever animation.

They were mistaken.