Why does a Republican's entire body get

hard when he starts accusing Democrats

of being soft on sex crimes, like pedophilia?

"Were you aware, Mr. DeLay, that the judge added three

months to Hastert's prison sentence after reading your

letter of support?"

"Dennis Hastert is a good man who loves the Lord. He gets 

his integrity and values from Him. He doesn't deserve what

 he is going through."

"Remember who you used to call 'Numbnuts'?"

'Hastert’s Portrait Vanishes from House'

As we've learned from Dennis Hastert, when

you agree to pay a blackmailer $3.5 million

in hush money, silence is indeed GOLDEN.

"Reach for the sky, podnuh!"

Dennis Hastert, Former GOP Party Barge, Indicted for 

Lying to FBI About $1.7 Million in Cash Paid to Blackmailer

"Gee, Mr. President, your circles and verticals are better 

than your horizontals and diagonals."

Dennis Hastert has made his departure from Congress official

by resigning his seat as of 10:59 p. m., just in time for his

11:00 o'clock feeding.

Iraqi Prime Minister Held Hostage, Day 395

Dick Cheney and Dennis Hastert have sealed a deal

to replace Two Fat Ladies as the next high-cholesterol

cooking show on PBS. What the new show will be called

hasn't yet been decided. Some possibilities currently

in circulation are Two Republican Fat Cats Really Chow

Down, Under Cardiac Arrest? Call 1-800-GET-FREE,

and The Dick and Dennis Blubberlugger Cookoff.

Dennis Hastert Grooming His Successor

If he ever loses the cow vote in Illinois,

Denny Hastert will be history.

Sources at Comedy Central have confirmed that Dennis

Hastert's theory suggesting the Foley scandal had been

orchestrated by ABC News, Democratic political operatives

aligned with the Clinton White House, and liberal activist

George Soros, originated with Jon Stewart of The Daily Show.

"Ultimately, the buck stops here, especially during

rutting season."

There's one thing no one denies: Dennis Hastert

really does fill the Halls of Congress.

"Now that you mention it, Congressman Boehner's skin is

the same color as Butternut Looseleaf chewing tobacco."

"Hey, Mark, gimme some skin! I hear you are gay,

a sexual predator, an alcoholic, mentally ill, and

a savvy Internet user. You really should consider

becoming the poster boy for 'Big Tent Republicanism'."

Let us now quell the foolish talk about throwing

Dennis Hastert under the bus. Hell, his head

alone is too big to fit under there.