Jon Stewart Sez:  “Listen, Senator McConnell, I know

 that your species isn’t known for moving quickly.”

On the same day WHO warned that

processed meats can cause cancer,

Jon Stewart announced he was 

opening a Bacon, Ham, and Sausage

Sanctuary.

Your Moment of Venn

Jon Stewart Warns Bacon-Wrapped Gay Shrimp to Avoid 

Cockfight Watching Parties in the Land of the Bubbas

Symptoms of Cat Scratch Fever Include Lack of 

Muscle Coordination, Slow Writhing Movements,

and Difficulty Speaking

Pope Francis Rumored to Be 'Chastely Thrilled' at the

 Prospect of Appearing on Both 'The Daily Show' and

 'The Colbert Report'

"Jon Stewart told me he was a socialist and then he 

waggled my cheeks."

"I'm just another victim of 'militant vilification', and I've

got the scars to prove it!"

"Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and cauldron bubble."
[Glenn Beck Prepares His
Anti-Stewart/Colbert Potion]

March or rally? Sanity or fear? It's your choice.

When Tim Pawlenty told Jon Stewart, "I don't

have a big schtick!", someone in the audience--

thought to be the governor's wife--shouted, "Tell

me about it!"

"Now that I've passed on, I would have to say
America's most trusted newscaster today is
Jon Stewart."

"Yes, there's only one fear greater
than Baracknophobia and that's
Baracknophobiaphobia."

"Damn you, Tucker Carlson, damn you, damn you, damn you!

Just when I was beginning to recover from the ass-kicking I

received from Jon Stewart, here you come rushing to my

defense, giving the impression that the only friend I have,

besides Richard Cohen and Jeff Zucker, is a Dancing with

the Stars loser like you."

Before he appeared on The Daily Show last night,

Jim Cramer said: ''Limbaugh -- whom I do not

know personally, but having been in radio myself,

know professionally as a genius of the medium -- says,

'They're going to shut Cramer up pretty soon, too, but

he'll go down with a fight'." Well, Rush lied: Cramer

went down all right, but without a fight. Here, for

example, you see him pleading, "Pretty please,

Jon, with sugar on top, give me my balls back!"

Jackass Accusing Jon Stewart of Being a Comedian

Thirty years ago, Kramer vs. Kramer won five Academy

Awards, including Best Picture. But it's looking more and

more like it will be eclipsed in 2010 by Stewart vs. Cramer,

which is still in production.

After devouring CNBC, Jon Stewart suppressed a burp,

raised his hand to his mouth, and said politely,

"Pardon me."

"Tell us, Senator: are you really older than the

dirt you've been throwing at Obama?"

Sources at Comedy Central have confirmed that Dennis

Hastert's theory suggesting the Foley scandal had been

orchestrated by ABC News, Democratic political operatives

aligned with the Clinton White House, and liberal activist

George Soros, originated with Jon Stewart of The Daily Show.