Carnival Cruise Lines Salesman Making His Pitch to the 35%

of the American People Who Believe They Will Soon Be

Sunning Themselves in the Caribbean Aboard Victory 2006

"Hey, no kidding, Jeb," said Charlie Crist,

Florida's Republican gubernatorial candidate.

"I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell

if I were seen in the same room with that

dipshit brother of yours."

"Good Lord!" the Secret Service agent thought.

"There's no telling where those supporters'

hands have been before they touched my President."

Anthony Greenup of the Harlem Globetrotters

Executing His Signature Move, the Dam Slunk

Polar Bear Mooning Vegetarians

Karl Rove had advised the President to make a last ditch

effort to shore up the 'Conehead' vote. But George thought

he said 'Cornhead'.

Roberto Rivas, President of the Supreme Electoral Council,

has just been voted the Widest Man in Nicaragua.

Dick Cheney and Dennis Hastert have sealed a deal

to replace Two Fat Ladies as the next high-cholesterol

cooking show on PBS. What the new show will be called

hasn't yet been decided. Some possibilities currently

in circulation are Two Republican Fat Cats Really Chow

Down, Under Cardiac Arrest? Call 1-800-GET-FREE,

and The Dick and Dennis Blubberlugger Cookoff.

Fifty Stars and One Black Hole

This group of Barbary Macaques has been following our

midterm elections with great interest. These intelligent

primates claim the elections will prove Darwin was wrong

when he hypothesized that their evolutionary ancestors

were Republican politicians.

"Hey, I just called the USDA prime sweathogs,

and look who showed up--Marilyn Musgrave!

Publicity Still from the New Movie,

Sister of Chucky: The Great Spelling Bee Massacre

What Was On Mustafa Kemal Ataturk's Mind

the Day He Founded Modern Turkey

"Unknot my hands, O Lord, so that I may throw

this meth away!"

Royal Rules of Etiquette #1

After eating dried fruit, it is permissible to wipe

your mouth with the back of your hand.

China's President Hu Jintao Offers a Toast

to the Re-emergence of the Yellow Peril

"Dang me, dang me

They oughta take a rope and hang me

High from the highest tree

Osama would you weep for me."

George Consoling Laura for Becoming a Sexagenarian, and

Laura Consoling George for Being One Lobe Short of a Trilobite

"It may not be popular with the public — it doesn't matter in

the sense that we have to continue the mission and do what we

think is right. And that's exactly what we're doing. We're not

running for office. We're doing what we think is right. And the

American people be damned!"

Ma Poh says she doesn't stick her neck out

for just anybody.