Politico's Mike Allen Goes Cuckoo Over Bogus

Washington Times Story

"Kiddo, that Sean Delonas absolutely cracks me up!"

Mountain Goat Celebrating the Third

Anniversary of Bildungblog [As Depicted

on the Front of a 30-Year-Old T-Shirt

Hanging in Fearguth's Closet]

I Remember Dubya #9

After a near-fatal encounter with the logic of pretzels,

Dubya began to perceive the sexual innuendo of

'Steely Dan'.

"Any election in which I get fewer votes than my

opponent has to be, by definition, fatally flawed."

Michelle Malkin Visits Nativist American Reservation,

Gawks for Swastika Man

Palin's Teen Daughter Wishes Pregnancy Wasn't Caused

by That Naughty Thing Boys and Girls Do When No One

Else Is Around

Senator Gillibrand has moved her guns from under the bed

to the front yard. Her New York neighbors say they all feel

the Second Amendment is now much safer.

"Howard Fineman's going gray, you say? Well, wind

me up and watch me go all lah-di-dah, mofo!"

The Unexpurgated Bible #21

"Behold, thou art fair, my love; thou hast doves' eyes.

So, what's keeping us from getting it on? Even Bristol

Palin realizes Abstinence Only is not realistic."

Former Senate Majority Leader Lurches Forward

to Warn Against the Dangers of Overstimulating

the Sexual Economy

Imagine you are a speechwriter and your next

assignment is to write George Bush's first

post-presidential speech to be delivered

next month in Canada. What words would

you put in his mouth after he says, "Hello,

my name is George Bush and I'm

here to protect you"?

Once again, a flock of goddamn stool pigeons

had given his position away.

Shoichi Nakagawa, Japan's Finance Minister, Loses Face,

Resigns After Episode of Unmanly Public Boohooing

"Since you're paying $340 million for this baby,

may I ask when you are going to kick the tires?"

"Anybody, like Rush Limbaugh, who would pull against

our president is not exactly thinking rationally. All we

really need is a very small nuke dropped on Foggy Bottom

to shake things up like Newt Gingrich wants to do."

"You forgot the Purina Dog Chow, buster!"

World's Worst Yobs #76

J. D. Hayworth

John Podhoretz, the new editor of Commentary,

was not pleased when he learned he now had to

book two seats every time he flies coach.

After leading the United States Postal Service into

the red to the tune of $3 billion last year, Postmaster

General John Potter was rewarded with a $135,000

bonus added to his base salary of $263,575. You may

wish to remember this when the price of postage

goes up again in May.

Dick Cheney Goes to the Mat with George Bush

Over Presidential Pardon for Scooter Libby

"The lousy economy is now hurting George W. Bush in a pretty

direct way: panhandling has slowed down for his presidential

library at SMU, making it difficult for him to meet the $500

million goal."

The Politico Illustrated #9

"GOP gets 'Back in the Saddle'"

Who, besides Mark Halperin wearing a bathrobe he found

in Hugh Hewitt's closet, would publish a story with the title,

'McCain: Bad Bipartisan Start for Obama'?

So far, the vast left-wing conspiracy to neutralize talk

radio giants, like Rush Limbaugh, has been executed

according to plan. All that has been required is to

instill sufficient paranoia about the imminent return of

the Fairness Doctrine within the ranks of right-wing talkers

so that they will eventually never talk about anything except

the imminent return of the Fairness Doctrine. Meanwhile, we

who live in the real world will pass them by.

Fearguth reaches another landmark: his 10,000th post.

If the Democratic Party keeps making trades like Roland

Burris for Barack Obama and Kirsten Gillibrand for

Hillary Clinton, in no time it will go the way of the

Doo-Doo Bird.

"Does it concern you, Senator Gillibrand, that the monster

under your bed might abscond with the two rifles you and

your husband keep there for the purpose of protecting the

Second Amendment?"

Do you know what Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

(D-NY) keeps under the bed? Her children do.

"Obama Off to a Bad Start, GOP Senators Say." This headline

is slightly more moronic than this one about last year's Belmont

Stakes: "Da' Tara Off to a Bad Start, Big Brown Says."

The torture report from the DOJ's Office of Professional

Responsibility could spell big trouble for Bush Administration

lawyers. And UC Berkeley law professor John Yoo knows it.

Mortgage Foreclosed on Castle Made of Sand,

Dreamer Evicted

"Hold on! I'm retiring, but I'm not shy!"

"Representative Eric Cantor (R-VA) said he had studied

Mr. Gingrich’s years in power and had been in regular

touch with him as he sought to help his party find the

right tone and message."

I Remember Dubya #8

A cruel expression always came over his face

when Dubya thought about the order he had

given to torture the detainees at Gitmo.

Of the secrets of cephalopod sex revealed thus far, Nadya

Suleman has proved to be the biggest one-woman

economic stimulus package ever to drop on the So Cal

economy. One can only hope that the revelation of

future secrets relative to the bedtime behavior of

squids and octopuses will have equally revivifying

effects on the Left Coast's ailing economy.

Finally, it's safe to be a patriot again without being lumped

together with Malkinites, Freepers, and Dittoheads.

General Motors Considering Bankruptcy,

Changing Name to 'Grunt Motors'

Benjamin Button's outlook was grim: an entire

lifetime of negative growth.

Sixty-Eight, or

Not Quite 69

Have you seen the logo of the Peanut

Corporation of America?

Thomas Ricks, who has already written two

best-selling books about the Iraq War, says

U. S. combat troops will remain in Iraq until

2015. We are, he believes, only at the half-

way point in that war and that its main events

haven't even happened yet. This means he

should have plenty of time to write two more

best-sellers about the war before it finally

winds down.

Muzak Holdings LLC Gets Stuck in Elevator,

Is Forced to Declare Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

"The stimulus plan," says Grover Norquist, "is a victory

of historic proportions which the Republican Party will

celebrate by running against it in 2010, in 2012, and

again in 2014."

Even Bill O'Reilly realizes that Glenn Beck

has stripped his gears and is a shiftless

no-count brain-dead hayseed.

The stimulus bill has passed.

These guys are shovel ready.

Are you?

GOPers Hang Together on Stimulus

"We understand you've changed the name

of your company from Blackwater to Xe and

you wish to be referred to from now on as the

'CEO Formerly Known as Prince'."

Bipartisan Ship Sinks, Torpedoed by Fuck U-Boat

How Kate Obenshain Dresses When She
Performs 'Barack the Magic Negro' for

Her Wealthy Patrons on the James River

Plantations